Do we stay or do we go?

[shortninbread]

Moral dilemma. DH and I find it impossible to solve, after years of discussion. Please help!

We've lived in Country X (let's call it) for 14 years. We love our careers, people, friends, networks, the culture. Our children are happy in school. On many levels we call this home and it's where we want to be. We also have a brother settled and a couple of extended family relatives here.

Country Z is where DH and I lived until our late twenties. We both have elderly but not yet ailing parents there. Who needless to say miss us and their grandchildren terribly. My parents understand our choices however. DH's parents seem less forgiving and saddened by our choices.

We know the job market in Country Z will be tough to crack in the fields we've chosen. There isn't a career counterpart as such for my husband especially and he adores what he does here. We know culturally it has far less to offer us personally than where we are now. We have good friends there, who we miss.

What do we do? We've lived in mental limbo between two homes we love for soooo long. Unable to decide.

We've reached a point where we feel we should commit one way or another, for our children's sake. Many people in our home country already thought we had committed! But it's an ongoing concern for us. The guilt associated with parents not seeing grandkids more than once a year. Worrying what it will be like when they do grow very old/unwell.

We both have siblings living close to our parents, so there is a caregiver as and when needed. We don't take this for-granted and do support them as much as possible long distance.

Has anyone else tackled this before? I wish we never created two homes, but can't see us being stimulated or evolving in the same way were we to go home.

Any constructive advice appreciated. Thanks.

[Sarikiz]

This is your life and your childrens future.you need to put yourselves first and not be emotionally blackmailed by the grandparents . My career too was in different countries. I did what was best for me and my family. My parents understood this thankfully but even if they did not I would have carried on doing what was right for me.

[shortninbread]

Thanks Sarikiz.

[Pallisers]

I could almost literally have written your post word for word. Right down to one set of parents being ok with us living overseas and one not. The sibling near by. The guilt. etc.

It was a source of constant stress tbh for many years and looking back I think some of that stress was because we didn't commit to country X out loud to everyone but left everyone thinking we might possibly come home again. If I could do it again I would say "we are now living in country X, this is our home, we love you but have no plans ever to move back to country Y.

So which country to commit to? Well for us the overriding concern was our children - I did not want to uproot them from a culture and country they loved and were happy in and risk the change. So we stayed. And it did cause a fairly big ... upset ... in one of the families and it took a few years to recover. I think if we had managed expectations better years before, this might have been easier. I have also gone through illness/death of parents and it is bloody tough being away - for them and for you and for the siblings doing the caring. You will have to accept that the siblings at home call the shots and you really won't have a say in a lot that happens if you stay away. Also you will feel guilty.

One thing we did do was commit to going back more often - luckily we were able to afford it. It is very hard. I still second guess myself a little. The truth is you will probably be happy in both countries. This is the problem of being an emigrant - it isn't as simple as going home eventually. you always have 2 parallel possible lives in your head.

good luck to you with whatever you decide.

[shortninbread]

I can't tell you how much it means to hear that someone else has gone through this Pallisers. All my googling and blog reading has not borne any testimonials of what people decided and what the consequences were. Thanks so much for sharing.

The siblings calling the shots on managing things at home is not something I'd thought of, but now understand would likely be the case. Justifiably too, in some respects.

More frequent visits home seem essential.

Choosing to pursue a life abroad means both a fattening and thinning of experience.

[Pallisers]

Choosing to pursue a life abroad means both a fattening and thinning of experience.

That is a really interesting and accurate way of looking at it.

It was complicated for us in that one of us wanted to go back and one really didn't. The one who didn't would have gone back but the one who did accepted we had left it a little late for the kids to go through it. I am MUCH happier since we made a final decision.

I do regret what I have missed with my parents and their grandchildren - but then again I have bundles of letters from them to me and my kids that my sibling - who had them for lunch every week on Sundays doesn't. I got back as much as possible. I called every day. I had them over here for holidays. My children remember them as really vivid and involved grandparents.

I couldn't have done it unless I did have siblings able to take the ultimate responsibility. I tried to pay more, do stuff when I was home etc. It is hard. My advice to you it to make a decision and live with it. Who knows what the future brings. I still haven't ruled out a move back at some point. But it will be when our children are grown if it ever happens.

[shortninbread]

Yes! The experience of writing and having special holidays together is a big positive. We have found this too and try to remind ourselves of it. My home sibling has a lot of day-to-day, living-in-each-other's-pockets interactions and vents a lot of frustration to me about that.

Pallisers, are both you and your partner are from same country? It feels like it's harder to understand for my in-laws because ours is not an international marriage - it's not necessity, we are just selfishly choosing to live here, in their eyes.

DH and I have often swapped our going home moods over the years, where one or other is more pro or against. Sometimes it has to do with an especially long winter, or if there is a particularly rough patch at work.

Committing to a decision must have been such a relief.

I'm also prepared for the idea that our children might do what we've done and choose a long term option away from us.

[shortninbread]

And yep, committing to that decision is closer than ever now I think.

[Ruhrpott]

If your on Facebook there is a great group of expats who have repatriated called I am a triangle.

We moved back but actually see our parents less now than before as we used to spend two weeeks holiday with our parents. Now we just go for a weekend. We didn't move to the same town as either of the parents and are now about 3.5 hours drive away from both of them. My parents are still able to come and visit us which they do now about once a year. They hardly ever came and visited when we lived abroad. The other never comes and is now too old to travel.

[magimedi]

Posting as a grandparent, my only child, partner & grandchild (soon to be another one) live abroad. I wish they lived closer, especially now there are grandchildren BUT they are very happy and that is more important to me. Of course I would be delighted if they came back to the UK but I have never, ever said that.

We are lucky in that it is Europe where they live so get to see them 3/4 times a year .

You must do what is right for you, your partner & children.

Truly loving parents put their childrens' happiness first.

[Ruhrpott]

naomihattaway.com/2013/09/i-am-a-triangle-and-other-thoughts-on-repatriation/

[Ruhrpott]

Also what are the chances of you actually getting jobs in your home town? You probably still won't be the children round the corner even if you do move back. For us the move back has been pretty positive but not for the reasons of being close to parents.

I do also still feel like a triangle and slightly odd one even though we have been here 7 years (we lived in the other country for 23 years). It helps that I work in a university with many other people of many different nationalities who understand it. My children also found it difficult to move back to the uk and were bullied a lot for being different.

[shortninbread]

Great to hear from fellow triangles! Ruhrpott, this is a fascinating forum. Thank you for introducing it.

Magimedi, it is reassuring to hear a grandparent's perspective. Yours sound lucky to have one with such understanding.

A little bit terrifying to think we will forever be triangles, but then there are many triangles around.