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Siblings all estrnaged from DF and me, do you tell them of the death?

(12 Posts)
IadoreEfteling Thu 09-Mar-17 10:21:53

Something has been really playing on my mind as well as DF awful current situation due to his stubbornness.

I am estranged from siblings and he is also estranged from them, one is abroad. My DB is unstable - caused issues at other family funerals, and would be vindictive and spiteful to me and to his DF on learning of his death and if he did come to funeral it would all be about him,. I have two young dc to think about, and it wouldnt be large funeral anyway.Literally probably just me, dh and our dc.

Do I tell DB and disis - knowing they are going to make the situation hell? Is it my responsibility? Just let them find out eventually? Its going to be a bloody nightmare as all my life my siblings have made death and any painful situation so much worse, its their specialty!

PoundlandUK Thu 09-Mar-17 10:28:34

Is your DF alive or has he just died?

If alive, I suggest he leaves an instruction with his solicitor regarding his wishes, whatever they may be.

That could include, for example, his solicitor informing them by phone. His solicitor can also inform your DF is there are any legal issues regarding keeping his death a "secret", which may connect to the nature of his will and other circumstances.

You clearly don't want the responsibility for this and I can understand why. But your DF needs to state what he wants and make arrangements for that to be done in the event of his death. In my humble opinion.

ElspethFlashman Thu 09-Mar-17 10:29:44

I wouldn't.

We had similar, as my mother was estranged from her sister. Just like that, sister had a long history of narcissistic behaviour and caused a lot of scenes whenever the focus wasn't on her. Even caused a massive scene at my mum's wedding. Was then horrendous at both grandparents funerals. And contested their will of course! Dragged everyone through court. When she lost, she flounced and never contacted Mum again (except to ask for money) which was a relief to literally everyone.

My mother on her deathbed was terribly worried she would upset us at the funeral and so we told her we would put the death notice in the paper but not actually make contact.
She didn't find out in time and it was a massive relief and went off peacefully.

My mum still was advised to leave her a small bequest to deter any success should she contest the will. It's harder to claim you were ignored if you weren't. It stuck in our throats but we viewed it as paying her off for good.

IadoreEfteling Thu 09-Mar-17 11:05:18

pound he is alive but ill, and has no solicitor, will not pay solicitors and when I mentioned anything to do with siblings esp db he said he would talk to police about him, IE he will not sort it - its all on ME.

Elspeth its beyond awful isnt it having this extra awful pressure when your emotionally and mentally on your knees. We had very similar with two family funerals, some one turning up blind drunk, storming out of service, causing issues, calling drunk and abusive etc etc. And yes, I fully expect a Will challenge. I think DF knows about small Behest, does that have to be money?

Excellent idea about putting it in local paper - my local however is also db local BUT DF local is other side of country BUT his DB my uncle is close to my DB and would see it!

Maybe a notice day before funeral is good idea?

ElspethFlashman Thu 09-Mar-17 11:15:54

Yes, I live in Ireland where funerals are within 2 days of death so the notice only gives 24 hrs notice anyway.

We asked a solicitor and we're advised it needed to be money. They advised a couple of thousand as Mum was well off, but if I were you I would ring a solicitor and enquire what levels of bequest are usually contest-proof in your circuit given the estimated value of probate I.e. house/savings/car/life insurance (less funeral cost which can be considerable)

ElspethFlashman Thu 09-Mar-17 11:18:51

You have to remember that people contest the will claiming "they would have wanted me to be provided for as I adore was"

So a physical item doesn't cut it in those claims.

IadoreEfteling Thu 09-Mar-17 11:21:37

Thank you Elspeth! Wow two day funerals - thats amazingly quick! So much easier to quickly put out a notice too.

My DM left will to DB and nothing to me or sister, I was actually dependent on her at the time but could not get in spite of hundreds of emails any legal advice at all. After weeks of emailing I found a pro bono service, got on train to appit and the train broke down. I never contested her will and was left quite young - with nothing. DB took active steps to make sure I had additional problems and costs to pay on top of everything, incl loosing my home. He took pleasure in making me homeless.

PoundlandUK Thu 09-Mar-17 11:23:12

OP perhaps your can explain to your DF how much stress this is putting you under and that you are unable to take on this responsibility. It would be cheaper for him to take legal advice now than for a solicitor to have to sort out a shitfest afterwards...and unless he wants DB to challenge his will and possibly win, he'd better seek advice whilst he retains control through being alive.

I really feel for you. My DF is preparing a very extensive "expression of wishes" letter to combat anticipated friction in the event of his death. This will be witnessed and filed with solicitor (appendix to will), the main executor and with me.

We are doing this because I simply can't take responsibility for some of the issues my DF wants me to, without this quasi-legal provision. And because it would be so unfair to unnecessarily put me in the direct path of major conflict without this back up document.

It's very tough. Good luck. Also a huge Efteling fan grin

ElspethFlashman Thu 09-Mar-17 11:26:04

Yes on the one hand it's all a well oiled machine with suppliers (including hotels for tea afterwards) all accustomed to a quick booking and 24 hr turnaround.

And it does mean it's not dragged out to distressing lengths. The British custom of two weeks seems gruelling.

On the other hand their body is in the ground before you blink and it's shocking in its sudden finality.

I'd prefer a happy medium!

IadoreEfteling Thu 09-Mar-17 11:37:54

poundland I have been desperately tying to get him to update his will as provision is made for deceased sibling. I also feel he will have put conditions on me inheriting his property which will tie my hands and make it harder to get - in the event of will contesting.

Interesting to know - Expression of wishes - even exists. I have found solicitor to up date his will I have said they will do home visit and also said I will pay for it - but he can barely talk on the phone. I have been trying to have this conversation for about two years. sad
He knows what his son is like - he saw first hand the devastation caused at other family funerals, he knows his son is hell bent on punishing him and me. He said he would talk to police about him. confused

I am formulating letter to him at the moment and will put that in though which is brilliant idea - thank you !! Its nigh on impossible after someone has gone trying to explain long boring family break down to officials who do not care. I am trying to mention POA to him.

He knows I have had really really hard time, he knows what my db has put me through and my DSIS, he knows I am struggling with two small dc and little family help and back up. My feelings for him right now are sheer frustration and anger as to why he is choosing to put me through all this and be so difficult, he is in and out of hospital too - for two, three week stays, he is having constant accidents and problems at home,so now - fitting in a visit is really hard.

Thankfully your df seems to be a kind - caring person!!! I am going to be thrown into WWIII and I am the poorest sibling and the one who shares a car with dh, and has two dc, my other siblings are much older, financially well off and have no dc to worry about ferrying around up and down the country.

Yes Elspeth, a well oiled machine!! Family funerals and friends recently have taken place as long as ONE MONTH after death, too too long, esp in my situation with volatile people., I would be thrilled if I can get it over and done with in two days! I am dreading it so much.

ElspethFlashman Thu 09-Mar-17 11:48:33

flowers and gin for you. X

IadoreEfteling Thu 09-Mar-17 12:08:46

thanks wine all round I think !!

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