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Elderly parents

Possible move away from dm

9 replies

Tortycat · 15/02/2017 01:00

I live 5 minutes away from dm, having moved closer last year (previously about 15 miles away). She has been on her own since my dad died 4 years ago. She has mild cognitive impairment, though this has worsened significantly over the last year. Unfortunately dp has been made redundant recently, and is now applying for jobs all over UK and parts of Europe. He says we have to put our family first (dc aged 3 and 1) and move where he can get a good job, but I feel terrible moving away from dm. My only sibling is 300 miles away though does visit when he can. How have other people experienced moving away from elderly parents? Regrets? How was it being abroad from parent? I'm very guilt prone and feel terrible at the thought of leaving her

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TheFlyingFauxPas · 15/02/2017 01:12

But she is family.

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Tortycat · 15/02/2017 09:52

I know. But dp thinks the financial security of our boys should take priority. He's not close to his family either geographically or emotionally so I don't think he understands 😔

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gleam · 15/02/2017 10:00

Maybe your sibling would have to step up a bit more if you move away.
How old is she? Does she need some kind of care package that could be put in place before (if) you left? One of those key boxes on the front if the house, an alarm if she falls over, perhaps a cleaner or carer?
Meals on Wheels, or stock up her freezer. Perhaps you could sort out internet shopping and do it for her, every week?

As part of the move, you could agree with dh that you want x number of trips to see her per year?

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 15/02/2017 10:10

I don't have any experience OP but I understand the pain over the decision. I am very close geographically to my parents and relatively close emotionally (more so to my Dad) to them. They are both very close to my children.
DP lived in Australia and I visited a few weeks at 18 and we both want to live there BUT I do worry about my parents and taking my children away from them and them away from my parents. My DF had a serious heart attack 15 years ago.
DP has two older children from his marriage and obviously doesn't want to leave them, but the way his ex has been over contact and maintenance has made it difficult for us and he thinks that they would have more 'quality' time by coming over for a few weeks at a time. We think a move would improve our quality of life dramatically, more so for DP who works outside frequently. It's very difficult and I sympathise.
I don't feel your DP is being fair though by effectively saying you would have to move. On balance, I would leave the UK but I've said to DP I understand if he can't because of his children (who I never see). I just don't want to get years down the line of applying for visas, sell my house etc then for him to decide he can't go.

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Tortycat · 15/02/2017 10:33

Mum is 78 and in good physical health, just not cognitively. Sadly df died of dementia and it took 14 yrs from diagnosis, so potentially she could live a long time. Dp is trying to get a job locally but no luck. Just feeling quite stressed that either we move or no job! I work p/T but still on mat leave and we can't afford to stay in house where we are without dps income...

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Tortycat · 15/02/2017 10:39

Mumoftwo- not easy decisions, especially oz...

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Needmoresleep · 15/02/2017 14:57

Its not easy. I think your husband needs to work, and if that means moving, that means moving. He certainly can't not work for a decade or more, because of his MiLs health. Not least he should be building up a pension.

Ways to manage might include:

Look at sheltered options. We live in central London and moving my mother here was not an option. It would have taken her away from networks and London would have been too busy. She is now in "very sheltered" housing which is great. It means she is within a community, and here is someone there 24 hours to deal with an emergency. It also means she should be able to cope for longer, thus keeping her out of a care home. A cooked lunch, weekly cleaning, handyman services, some activities and a helpful reception are there. My mum also has a carer calling in daily, who will do extra hours when needed. For example she is taking my mum fr an emergency GPs appointment this afternoon. Social Services should be able to suggest alternative care. You might ask for an assessment on the basis you might not be around, so she will need to tap into what is available.

Look at contract work, so he is away for short sharp bursts. Not ideal but one way of resolving conflicting needs.

He goes out first and you follow only when he is established. A lower cost country might have good accessible care, so your mum might move with you, at least for the early years.

Find somewhere to stay so you can make extended visits back to your mum. My mum has a two bed flat, and our thinking as the ILs get frailer is that we will rent out of season holiday accommodation if we find ourselves up there for any extended period.

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Msqueen33 · 15/02/2017 14:59

Could she move with you? Not necessarily in with you but could she find a little place nearby. I so feel for you. We live near my parents and moved to be closer to them yet my sibling lives in the states. I dread to think what would happen if we moved. Both thankfully are in good health at present.

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Tortycat · 15/02/2017 19:47

Thanks for the suggestions- all good ideas. Very sheltered housing sounds like it might be ideal in future - will look into it. I'm a bit worried about moving her as a) all her friends and networks are here b) She may potentially be even further away from my brother and c) think she would deteriorate memory wise in an unfamiliar environment, although at the stage of needing a nursing home would definitely consider this. Struggling to face the same journey as happened to my dad 😟