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Im scared I'm going to lose both my parents

(7 Posts)
LaunchParty Thu 26-Jan-17 18:25:55

Don't know where else to put this

My mum recovered from ovarian cancer 8 years ago. She's back in hospital today with an infection after an operation last week to remove a one inch growth in her pelvis and she's been told its cancer. Of what, I don't know and for some reason she hasn't asked. This is on top of her having diabetes, neuropathy, mobility issues, gall bladder issues, liver issues, had to have a stent fitted and GOD ALONE KNOWS WHAT ELSE. She's 67 ffs

My dad has been terminally ill for years with advance kidney cancer, now needing life prolonging treatment. Both of them now at the same time

I'm so worried about them both dying. I'm in my 40s so it's not like this should be the biggest surprise I suppose but I'd like some tips on how to cope now. I have a tendency to over think and panic and right now I don't want to go to work or do anything.

Please help me

whataboutbob Thu 26-Jan-17 21:33:08

Launch- it sounds very difficult and it seems you are going through anticipated grief, quite understandably. 40 isn't that old, and at your age many people have healthy parents who are helping their kids out, not the other way round so you might be feeling all this is grossly unfair. You don't say what support they are getting. Are either linked in with palliative care- maybe you could request some support for yourself?
Having lost both my parents now, one thing I can say is the time I spent with them, especially with Dad because I had plenty of time to prepare for the inevitable, has been very very helpful in helping me to cope with his dying. To put it simply, i don't have much of the guilt which can make a bereavement harder to cope with. If you can, just spend time around your parents helping them in any way you can- but remember you can't do it all, which brings me back to you needing some help with this.

thesandwich Thu 26-Jan-17 21:55:25

I am so sorry. What a lot you have to deal with . please get all the help you can- are you connected with a hospice? Macmillan? For you to talk to as well as support for them. As bob says spend the time you can with them- outsource as much practical stuff as you can and also make sure you know their wishes. Take care.

LaunchParty Thu 26-Jan-17 22:08:24

Thanks so much for the words!

They're nowhere near end of life care I don't think which makes it all the more difficult in some ways! My dad is absolutely fine, bizarrely! Driving, shopping etc as normal. His cancer hasn't grown in years until last week when a scan showed significant growth so he needs this treatment to arrest the growth. It worked four years ago but left him bed bound and unable to eat so he stopped it. Luckily it'd done enough to arrest growth. Now? Growth. So treatment again but this time, who knows? It's not curative as it can't be

My mum is trickier. So so many damn health issues, I don't know where to start. She's not even been told yet what type of cancer she has! I'm finding this very stressful

They were helping with my kids up until recently and active and normal. Now all I can do is go over when I can and I'm constantly at the end of whatsapp for my mum but I feel quite stressed as I work 24 hours a week plus I work from home - my own business is starting to thrive, just at a time when I feel like I'm going to struggle

Sorry for the moan

LaunchParty Thu 26-Jan-17 22:09:12

Bob - I am sorry to hear you've been through this

Truckingalong Thu 26-Jan-17 22:17:59

I'm in my 40s and recently lost both my parents. They were both very ill for years and I cared for them for years, whilst holding down s full time job. It has been and still is horrendous. Grief is bloody awful but I can tell you that you DO find an inner strength and you DO get through it. Spend every minute you can with them, tell them how much you love them over and over again, tell them whatever you need to, don't waste a second and look after yourself too. I had anticipated grief for years. It doesn't help when the moment finally comes as you will still go into shock, however much You think you're prepared. It's tough going but you're stronger than you know.

Marmitelover55 Mon 20-Feb-17 19:56:37

I lost both of my parents last year within 5 weeks of each other. It was very, very difficult but I have taken a lot of comfort from the fact that they weren't without each other for very long. I lived 180 miles away from them and also worked with youngish children. It was a very difficult time and I have just started bereavement counselling. The counsellor pointed out that I didn't appear to feel guilty or angry and that's true and a real positive. I did spend a lot of time with them over the last few months and feel that definitely helped. They both had good care too - in the hospital and nursing home. Not sure that any if this is helpful to you though - sorry. Do you have any siblings to help share the load? X

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