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Elderly parents

Dilemma

7 replies

Oldfossil · 19/10/2016 21:24

My wife has signed up to be attorney for her elderly father, he is currently in hospital and likely to be deemed to be lacking mental capacity any time soon. At that point my wife will be legally obliged to invoke LPA ... however where does that leave her fathers still competent wife (who is his carer) in all of this?? We strongly suspect that he would have wished his wife to be his attorney until such time she became incapacitated,, and then attorney responsibility would fall to my wife. We believe that my wifes father is now too incapacitated to alter his wishes.

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Needmoresleep · 20/10/2016 08:07

Simple surely. Your wife makes decisions in your dads best interests after consulting her dad's wife and any other relevent family members. It has to be in the dad's interests that his main carer is able to play a role in any decision making as long as her contributions are constructive.

I have POA for my mother but would not want to make any major decisions unless I felt others were happy.

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Sosidges · 20/10/2016 08:25

Are you talking about Health and Welfare or Financial PoA. The hospital will speak to his main carer regarding outcomes unless the holder of the PoA strongly objects and feels the carer is not acting In his best interests.If you wish his wife to make the decisions there is no need to mention PoA to the hospital. You say that your he would have Wanted his wife to make the decisions. The PoA means acting in his best interests so there is no problem with allowing that to happen.

If financial then any joint accounts wil ,still be administered by the joint holder.

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Oldfossil · 20/10/2016 23:27

Thank-you for your responses... the two issues of concern are...
My wifes mother is not willing or more importantly expecting to relinquish control of her husbands affairs, and as far as I know care homes and such are only willing to deal with the attorney... its the attorney who has to sign carehome agreements and agree to deprivation of liberty.
The other point is that my wife may diagree with her mother as to the best care provision for her father, mum wants him home ... come hell or high water ... whereas the best place is a care/nursing home... and its likely to come as a big shock when she realises that they have signed up to relinquishing responsibility of care to their children, when they obviously thought one would have power of attorney over the other.

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Sosidges · 21/10/2016 08:47

I was in a similar position as far as the PoA was concerned. I held both types for my Mother and Stepfather. My mother lost capacity long before my Stepfather and at first we agreed on her care. In the last year before she went to the home,I felt that his inability to care for her was harmful although well intentioned. I think that your next step is to involve the hospital Social Worker. I found that my Stepfather listened to others more than me.

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Oldfossil · 21/10/2016 15:38

Thanks sausages ... to put you in the picture ... my wifes Mum is a very strong matriarch, and being an only child is used to getting things all her own way. We have contested, ad infinitum, her ability to care for Dad, she has numerous age onset conditions herself, including mild damenture (undiagnosed)... and we are met with hostility and nonesense replies at every verse end!! It has just been confirmed that they have infact relinquished control of care for each other to their children... this is going to come as a BIG shock as Mum would have expected to have decision making capacity for Dad, till his dying day. Which very sadly may not be a long way off, he's fighting every inch of the way, pushed to live forever by his ever loving and totally devoted wife.

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Sosidges · 21/10/2016 16:13

It is so hard isn't it, when wrong decisions are being taken out of love. My stepdad was the most pig-headed man. He knew it all and would never listen to anyone. However he was so good to my mum, they were married for 35 years and she never wanted for anything.

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Oldfossil · 21/10/2016 17:19

For my wife's Mum and Dad we are talking 60+ years ... with the poor chap brow beaten every step of the way... his every need provided by his wife, and not allowed to lift a finger in every day domestic life... "under the thumb" hardly describes it ... Think of Mrs Bucket ... x 3 and Captain Mannering x 2 ... not just in looks ... but personality too!!!! We are just hoping that he makes it through his last days in peace... without being allowed to go home, where he can expect to be frog marched around the house (zimmer frame in tow) for exercise!!!