Mother lonely & drinking too much......worried(2 Posts)
Hi, first of all Im male. Unsure where to go to be honest so thought id try here.
My Mother has just turned 60. She left our family home when I was 15. She left my father for another man who was a lot older. In her own words she was drawn to this man as she "felt sorry for him" as he always seemed down & put upon at work (she worked with him). For a period my sister went thru a difficult & abusive relationship with the father of her children, my mother wasn't really much help & had little interest. After my sister finally got rid of her partner she became depressed & lonely. Again my mother had little or no interest, merely telling her "pull herself together". It was mainly left to me as the youngest to check on my sister & also put up with my father who was by now constantly going out drinking. This also involved been the go between for my mother & father in sorting out money between them as they didnt speak to each other. Still haven't after 22yrs. The period between 15-18 was fairly difficult for me.
Unfortunately after 10 years with him, my mothers by now new husband died suddenly. We always rallied around my mother beforehand & more so after this. She has always been a worrier, a negative person & has always drank probably too much alcohol. In my eyes growing up she was the perfect mother. My sister tells me otherwise & tbf I feel I always tried to look on the brightside & paint a rosier picture.
Anyway (sorry to ramble) my mother is now living alone for the past 10 yrs. She drinks heavily, 2 bottles of red wine per day at least. She has a negative view of the world & everybody in it. She is clearly depressed but is not the kind of person to accept any help at all. She has no friends outside of work & has little interest in attempting to gain any. Myself, my sister, my auntie & my neice all try our hardest with her. Unless shes had a couple of glasses of wine she doesnt want to talk to you on the phone or even let you in her home. We take her out for dinner on sundays when we can but she is always in a rush to get home (to drink). Id like to take her on holiday with my family as she has never been abroad but I can only imagine her negativity & drinking would ruin it for my children & partner. She pushes us all away with her nastiness in drink & we all have a certain time never to ring her after as we are aware she will have had too much. She has been told time & again abt her drinking but doesnt listen. She is an "I'm right, your wrong" person. We are all at our wits end & dont know where to go with her she seems to be getting worse at the moment. Im hopeful I dont sound selfish but we really do all try so hard. My partner has asked her to go to bingo etc but she just rebuffs anything straight away & makes you feel silly? Im wondering if I can contact her Dr in secrecy & set up a visit for her to "talk" but if she knows I set it up she wouldn't go to any appointment. Any help is appreciated.
First of all you sound like a lovely son. I can sympathise as my mil is an alcoholic who refuses to seek help. Is extremely self centred (as alcoholics are) and sees herself as one of life's victims. I'm afraid tough love is the only way forward, by running round after her, wondering how you can help is merely pandering to her self centredness. We have tried the dr, rehab,councilling etc but unfortunately she has an enabling husband and she has no interest in doing anything about it. Until she wants to change she won't unfortunately and as harsh as it is you can't do anything about it. What you and your family can do is protect you and your children from being harmed by her behaviour. Please do not invite her on holiday as it's basically saying your drink is not an issue and you are prefectly fine to join in with this. Where's the incentive to give up alcohol. Your children do not need exposing to this.
You can call Alcoholics Anonymous for help. They might be able to offer family councilling. But please accept that if your Mum does not want to change and has no incentive to change she won't . At the moment the only thing that matters to your mum sounds like where the next drink is coming from. Sorry if I sound harsh but I've been there for a number of years and seen my DH torn apart by his DM, my son let down repeatedly and my DHs relationship with his much loved DF suffer immeasurably.
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