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Elderly parent!

(9 Posts)
bournemouthmark Tue 19-Jul-16 15:48:16

I come in peace! I am a bloke who is lucky to have retired very recently. I am able to stay with my elderly parents from time to time. They are 92 and 85 the youngest being my mum. Problem is with pops - he is rude and belligerent to any tradesmen that come into their home? I am exasperated by his rudeness. he is OK at 0700-1100 hours and from then on there is little point in engaging with him. At about 1600 hrs he drinks enough whiskey to render Ollie Reed unconscious imho. So what to do? he seems totally unaware of his mood swings and his behaviour. He shouts out (loudly) for attention and so loudly at times that neighbours hear him. They live modest lifestyles and my mother disengages with him after 1100 hours. They share mealtimes and the same TV programmes. pops seems to want to drive each day to do some shopping in their now battle scarred car. My bro is busy elsewhere to be bothered and I escape regularly to get a life! I am worried.

bournemouthmark Tue 19-Jul-16 15:50:07

I am worried cause If pops was in a home he would be managed and medicated something my mum and family would not wish tbh...

DementedUnicorn Tue 19-Jul-16 15:54:48

Has he been to the GP? It sounds like it could be dementia. Drugs to manage the behaviour doesn't automatically mean sedatives. A number of dementia tablets like Memantine, ease the symptoms of the dementia I.e challenging behaviour and mood swings

bournemouthmark Tue 19-Jul-16 17:55:46

thank you for this. I am lucky that I have my parents about in their latter years. he is a very proud man and you can engage with him rationally early morning but by the evening there is little to no point. He sleeps all evening before announcing that he is going to bed! having watched precisely 'Eggheads', "Murder She Wrote' followed by something repeated every few weeks like, 'nerw Tricks'. What has made me join this site for ladies - is that when searching the net you appeared to have a network of people already questioning their own or others' issues when dealing with old age. Thank you. It is clearly an issue as pop's behaviour - when confronting 'strangers' i.e., workmen etc. is of concern. Rudeness, intolerance and questioning the cost of everything in minute detail etc.

Kwirrell Tue 19-Jul-16 18:46:35

Like many on here, you have my sympathy but I can offer no practical advice.

There always seems to be a stage, which can last for months or years, where they are in an increasingly dangerous and worrying situation. Then suddenly a crisis happens, a fall or an illness, and only then are Social Services able to intervene.

The rudeness and embarrassment they cause is awful. Not too bad in their own home on a one-to-one basis. Then you can apologise.My mum saved her worse for hospital waiting rooms. She had such a loud voice and no-one was spared her comments.

One thing I do know, is that you will always get a listening and helpful ear on MN. It was a life-saver for me, for the 7 years that I had to care for my parents.

bournemouthmark Tue 19-Jul-16 20:31:19

Thank you. I am confused as it's not clearly obvious to anyone except to those outside his circle - or he could simply just be rude! How the hec do I get him to go to the doctors...

Kwirrell Tue 19-Jul-16 20:55:48

My experience of my mums GP ,is that you cannot. Doctors will only see him if he makes the appointment himself. Maybe in the sober moments you might be able to persuade him. You do have to ask yourself, What do I want for the Doctor?

He process for getting a Dementia assement and diagnosis is long and tiring. How likely is it that he will co-operate, with answering the questions, drawing the clock, repeating the word lists etc?

Assuming that you get the diagnosis, what then? Will he take his medication , allow carers into his home. I don't mean to sound so negative, but when dealing with the elderly, we feel we should be doing something.
Getting something done, will definitely take its toll on you.

If however you do go down this route there is something that will really help. Which is to make your self a file and note all of the following

DOB, place of birth, date of marriage, NI number, doctors full details, medication list.

In the file write down the telephone number and full name of everyone you speak to and the date and time. Also what was agreed. This is because nothing gets done with one phone call. Promises are broken people do not call back. Staff change.

Sorry that this has turned into any essay.

Kwirrell Tue 19-Jul-16 21:01:46

Should say that the reason you need to keep his personal info file, is because you will be asked repeatedly the same questions by everyone you speak to.

Lastly, a positive note. My mum had to go into a Council care home. It saved her life literally. She was there for 5 years, and she had the most wonderful care. Everyone of my family who had seen her in the year before she was admitted, could not believe how well she looked I. Comparison.

whataboutbob Wed 20-Jul-16 13:56:28

very good advice from Kwirrell re keeping a log of your parents' personal data plus noting any conversations you have with professionals is very good.
Many of us have noted that as their parents age ability to cope with new situations/ new people/ see other people's point of view etc gets reduced (there are physical reasons for this, including shrinkage of areas of the brain which control empathy and social behaviour) . This can lead to difficult behaviour which is often them expressing the stress they feel. In your Dad's case there is the alcohol, which is a risk factor for dementia but even short of that, is going to affect his behaviour.
Firstly I agree with previous OPs you need to think about how much you can take on. It can all be very draining, as you have found. Then a 1st port of call could be the GP. Phone up and ask for a telephone consultation. Tell the GP you know he can't disclose anything but say you are concerned and outline why. Maybe the GP could do a home visit? In the meantime if you had power of attorney/ if your parents gave written consent for you to speak to GP it would give you a lot more power when dealing with professionals. Good luck.

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