Hurt after helping

[36mum]

18months ago my dad was seriously ill, if he had gone home he wouldn't of lasted long. With some persuasion he saw sense and moved into sheltered accommodation. I had a week to clear his old home and fully furnish his new one. I live 250miles away and it was a real strain being away from my children etc I was physically and mentally exhausted by it all. My dad isn't very lovey dovey but there was a moment alone in his new home where he spoke of appreciation for what I had done. I was a little uncomfortable but glad he acknowledged it. I felt relief that he was now being cared for. Now he is much better and independent. His feelings have changed and he regrets moving. He blames me totally for ripping him from his home. Everyone including him agreed that he needed to leave his old environment, there were several things making his health deteriorate which no longer do so because of him moving. I am in agony that he now feels such resentment towards me and there's nothing I can do about it. I know I did the right thing for him but it's horrible to be hated by your own father.

[Needmoresleep]

You know the answer. It is not unusual for old people to lash out, frustrated more by old age than anything else. It is not unusual for children to want their parents approval, and so feel hurt when it is withdrawn. It might also be that some older people use what limited power they have, however inappropriate, and even if it means hurting those close to them.

You did the right thing. You probably had few other choices. Next time he raises it tell him firmly why he had to move, the efforts you and others made and remind him of his subsequent gratitude. Then change the subject. He may initially be surprised at your assertiveness, but he will probablky realise that this is not a subject that he can guilt-trip you on.

[CMOTDibbler]

I'm sorry your dad is lashing out at you, but NMS is right - you have to tell him firmly why he moved and move on.

Come join us on the long running elderly parents support thread, and you'll see that we all get it in the neck from our parents at times! But it never seems as bad when there are others to share it with

[Badders123]

Ah, yes.
My mum does this
It's hugely hurtful
I advised against purchasing her council home after my dad died
She ignored me and bought it and has spent a lot doing it up
Now she has health issues and is regretting it
My fault apparently