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Just don't want to go

(4 Posts)
oldguygirl Fri 13-May-16 07:43:43

My parents live 100miles from me. I struggle to go on a more regular basis than every 4 weeks- I have a full time job and a small family. I ring 3 times a week and tbh I show more interest than my two sisters who both live locally to mum and dad , one of whom lives two miles away and works part time, my mum has dementia and Parkinson's , dad is her main carer (she has 4 x daily care visits) . My dad had quite a verbally aggressive personality, always has had. I have backed off massively in the last month or so. Mum has just had a two month stay in hospital and while she was there I was told to stop telling him what to do and accused of interfering. I do understand his grief, he doesn't cope but when I try to sort stuff out or make suggestions it gets thrown back at me. Anyway he is not the only one grieving for mum, she might be still alive but she is not 'my mum' in the same way anymore.
I was due to go up there two weeks ago with my 8 year old but had major car issues so couldn't go. I am due to go this weekend. I basically just don't want to go. ....and I feel so bloody guilty about that.
I hate seeing mum like she is (I know get over it ) my dad is always emotionally blackmailing when I go, mum usually crys ( she does this every time I ring) but I hate this in front of my son, and they both say inappropriate things in front my son like mum wants to kill herself.
But the main thing is I hate seeing my mum.

Needmoresleep Fri 13-May-16 11:48:01

I fully understand. Even though things are pretty stable, I find it difficult to visit my mother who has dementia. Essentially I end up wondering what the point is, plus its awful if she is in a bad mood. She forgets, I don't and the anger builds up.

Ideas:
1. There is no point pushing against a door that won't open. If you can change anything at the moment, conserve your emotional energy and wist for the crisis that will force a change. And refuse to feel guilty.

2. Try to provide another focus to your visit. Stay nearby at an off-season rate and have a long weekend with your family and go for walks etc. Or build in a treat. A decade ago I used to let the children choose somewhere to go for an early supper after our visit. We would look up Trip Advisor or the Good Pub Guide and stop on the journey back. So we had quality family tame as well as difficult family time.

I would keep on visiting as you would probably feel worse if you did not and you want to set an example for your children. However work out what is helpful, eg can you get them out to a cafe or garden centre to get them out of the house. Or take some flowers if your mum likes them. (One tip that works with my mum is that she likes gifts, so if I come in bringing a small packet of biscuits or something, its starts everything off on the right foot.) Don't think about things that you can't change, and don't challenge your dad if it won't get you anywhere. And it is fine to set boundaries based on your needs. If you are very worried that your mother is unsafe, either a joint family initiative or social services, don't bash your own head against this wall.

Oh and come back here to rant.

Kwirrell Fri 13-May-16 12:12:53

I can sympathise. Although visiting my Mother in a care home and step father at home, I hated it. I did what I could physically but my heart and my mind were not in it.

I resented the time, the ingratitude, the constantly being in the wrong, the sheer physical hard work of it, the stress, the feeling that nothing is ever resolved and nothing is ever good enough.

Please be kind to yourself, despite the guilt and criticism of others, try to step back a little. You could be in for a long haul and your priority should be your own family. Creating nice memories for child, is more important than any sense of duty to your parents in my opinion.

Sorry if this sounds hard, both my mum and stepfather have died in the past 6 months. Is is only now that I realise how the last 7 years has impacted on my health and well-being.

oldguygirl Fri 13-May-16 17:15:06

Thank you for your replies, I just you guys summed it up. I resent the day it takes me to go there, I am always completely exhausted physically and emotionally - all ready to start the working week again!!!
I won't stop visiting, I can't do that but just find it so hard.
My dad is an issue in himself , which is crap considering he's not the one who is ill. He is passive aggressive and emotionally blackmailing. He point blank refuses to ring or visit me. He does not text. So I have to ring him even when mum is in hospital he will not let me know what is going on. I signpost him to things and unless I push to find out what happened he doesn't offer up the information. I asked a carers support organisation to contact him. I have no idea if they did or what he said to them because he hasn't told me and I haven't asked. I am just sick of having to push for things. He doesn't tell me when social workers etc have been, I have to ask him. I am just pretty sick of it. You are right in the fact that I just have to leave it and wait for the next crisis.
I have to call him which I do. I find this very hard as its all about him. But if I miss a call I get remarks.
I have to manage things as I was quite ill last year, I was depressed with bad anxiety which meant I had constant panic attacks. Lots of things contributed to this, my sisters, mum, I was bullied at work and had some marriage problems.
I am a lot better now , the panic attacks are few and far between now. But I have to be careful and manage a lot of how I am feeling.
My parents don't know any of this and to be honest I don't think it would make any difference as he wouldn't really care.
I stopped taking gifts , I used to make sure I look lunch and dinner with me and stopped doing that as it was such hard work to cook yet another meal when I work full time. I don't think I will do that but might get her flowers. She will probably still cry though.

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