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I need more Paitence

(2 Posts)
Love2014 Sun 14-Feb-16 10:20:32

My dad died a couple of years ago, he was a special man and missed dearly, but also a relief that he is no longer in pain he struggled with schzophrenia most of his life, which had a big impact on the family. My mum is now trying to put her life together after my dads death. Unfortunately my two brother (older and younger) have made some bad life decisions that have impacted both my mum and dad, they have taken most of their life savings off them over the years. Obviously to my disapproval, that caused a great deal of problems in my relationship with my parents and although I tried to stay in touch with them and see regularly we had a number of arguments. My dad was in and out of care homes up to his death in last 10 years and all this really dominated my life outside of work and my relationships with my partner at the time and friends as I was in my 20s and found it hard to fully relate to what other 20 somethings were doing. Now my dad has died and there's no real money left my brothers have disappeared and left me with the impact of this all to try and help my mum to sort out her life. I'm now 36 and in another relationship desperately trying to have a baby (had 2 miscarriages so far I went for a long time not sure if I wanted kids after seeing my family fall apart) my last miscarriage was in December. My mum has moved from West Yorkshire and sold old family home last year, giving my younger brother a big chunk of the cash from the house. Again to my disapproval as my mums elderly and needs the money. She has had to get a new job as a lollipop lady and I stay with her at her home now in Bridlington, she's living in a static caravan. She wants to come and stay with me whilst on school holidays but my partner and I are already going through so much it's hard because we always end up in some sort of argument which then upsets him. We don't argue at home normally, i get very down arguing with my mum. But we can't seem to get passed this communication with each other. My younger brother is asking for cash again and I've told her not to give him anything.. But seeing your parents loose everything they have worked for there is so much pressure now on mum and is relationship and so much has happened. I love my mum dearly and want to be here for her, but it causes me so much stress and guilt. I feel guilty at the thought of leaving here without her, but I'm also so much in desperate need to have a normal life.. Everything has been so chaotic for so long.

whataboutbob Fri 19-Feb-16 17:04:48

Hello Love2014. Reading your post it seems to me there is much history there and you have come out of what was no doubt a fairly traumatic time with your Dad's mental illness, only to realise there is little security to be found in your family, due mostly to your brothers' behaviour. I really don't have any simple solutions, but it seems to me you need some distance from all this. You have the right to create your own family life with your partner and hopefully your own kids. Your mum has made some poor decisions (subsidising your brothers), it was her own choice, you can't fix that for her. I would think at this stage you can show your mum kindness and support, but also have some boundaries in place. Let her know you don;'t approve of your bros, but for your own sanity don't try and change her because it'll probably fail.
FWIW I had 2 years of counselling to help me cope with a Dad with dementia and a brother with schizophrenia (my mum died 21 yrs ago), I had got to the point where I felt I had to fix everything (and I was failing of course) and it helped me to step back. One of the key things I relaised was I felt guilty if I was happy, because I know my mum hadn't been. I would advise you discuss this with your GP and see if he/she can refer you for a package of sessions on the NHS, or you could pay for your own. There are no quick fixes for long term family difficulties, but remember you don't have to repeat your parents' mistakes. Good luck.

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