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Nursing home for Fil

(6 Posts)
laundryeverywhere Wed 25-Nov-15 17:27:35

My Fil has dementia and a very bad leg. He has had quite a few falls recently and been in hospital. We arranged for him to return home to the house he owns and lives in with my Bil. Bill is out all day at work and Fil now has 3 carers a day. Bil does some things for him such as shopping and keeps an eye on him in the evening. Bil has what I feel are (undiagnosed) MH problems and can't cope with a lot of responsibility. If there is a problem that isn't that urgent he won't do anything about it. Dh however, resents the fact that Bil doesn't do much despite living in the house and not paying any bills or rent. This makes things awkward between us and Bil although normally we get on well, also I get frustrated by Dh and Bil not sorting things out as they leave things for each other to do, and nothing gets done for ages.

Today the carer called and said they think he is becoming incontinent and he needs to be assessed by the GP. He has also had several falls in the last fortnight, since coming out of hospital.
The problem is, as I said Bil lives in the house and if Fil went into a home I think the house would have to be sold to pay for care. This would leave Bil homeless and in a difficult situation, also he is not very good at coping so he may struggle. Another reason is that Fil would probably not like being in a home, however if he can't be cared for at home then he may get used to a nice home. Even though the carers seem nice it is difficult arranging things like GP visits and I feel his food is not very good. In a nursing home these problems would be dealt with without them needing to contact us which would be much easier.

Do you think Fil should go into a home and if so can anyone how you go about arranging it?

magimedi Wed 25-Nov-15 17:36:09

I could be wrong but I think if BIL has lived with FIL for some time the house can't be sold for FILs care, leaving BIL homeless.

I suggest you contact either the ALzheimers society or Age Uk as I am certain they will have the answer to this.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely DIL.

VulcanWoman Wed 25-Nov-15 17:45:01

Best to get in touch with social services, they will be able to help. I agree, don't think they can force sale of house but social services can advice on that too, Age UK have been very good in the past with regards to my Mum and her care needs. Best wishes.

CMOTDibbler Wed 25-Nov-15 17:49:15

Looking at the AgeUK factsheet, the house would have to be sold unless the local authority agreed to use their discretion.

If your FIL is having more falls, he does need to be seen by the falls prevention team, and if he hasn't had one lately, social services for an assessment of needs. Its possible he has a UTI leading to the incontinence etc, but it all needs to be looked into first.

whataboutbob Thu 26-Nov-15 14:59:23

Laundry you could be describing my life!!! In a nutshell dad lives c bro who has mental illness (which dad did his darndest to make sure never got diagnosed due to his terror of the stigma) , they live together, dad has all day carers. He has also recently become incontinent, and on Tuesday suffered a fall which caused him to go to hospital yesterday, luckily nothing was broken.
Anyway I got legal advice about the "what if dad needed to go into care" questions. Basically because my bro is classed as a vulnerable adult the house would not be sold to pay for fees because bro would instantly be homeless.
FWIW I long ago stopped resenting bro's lack of normality, I have to do all the power of attorney stuff, all the money stuff, dealing c agencies etc. However I have accepted bro really can't do it, and the fact that he lives c dad means dad has been able to stay in his home way longer than most people with dementia would manage.
If you want legal advice around the situation check the Law Society's Solicitors for the elderly page. Good luck, it can all be quite tricky.

laundryeverywhere Thu 26-Nov-15 16:25:03

Thanks everyone that's very helpful. whataboutbob how strange our situations are so similar! I am fond of my bil and he has always been very nice to my dd, so I don't want to upset him, and it would be sad if he struggled due to losing the house. Unfortunately he has never been diagnosed with anything and I doubt if he would want to. I will have a look at the legal website you suggested.

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