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Safeguarding issue

(4 Posts)
oldguygirl Tue 07-Jul-15 09:55:35

I have posted before but briefly my Mum has been very ill since just before Christmas. She was in hospital for a long period and then back in again because she ruptured her spleen. She has been home for 9 weeks and has been struggling with mobility.
Consultants dont really know what is wrong with her and are now debating either Parkinsons or early stage dementia.Her main issues are mobiliity and halucinations.
She lives with my Dad - she still has one care visit a day which has been reduced from 3 double up calls but she no longer needs so much care. I have been a bit insistent that she has at least one visit a day for the forseeable future.
Dad does pretty much everything else - they have higher rate AA so could have more help if they wanted with domestic stuff (they have funding for the care) but he does not want this saying that 'he has enough people tramping in and out as it is'.
My Dad does not cope with things - never has never will. I would never be able to get him to go to the doctors if he was depressed. He has been depressed before and refused AD's or any help.
My parents have also always had a volitile relationship - I grew up with them screaming at each other every night - thats just the way they are. My Dad isnt particularly nice - he has always said things in a nasty/aggressive way and my Mum goads him so they are as bad as each other in some ways.
My Dad has also been very emotionally manipulative to me and I have had some issues with anxiety and have had some counselling and CBT. I live a distance away, have a job and a small family so its hard to visit.
However in the last couple of weeks they have been worrying me. I rang two weeks ago and they were mid screaming match - my Mum was hysterical and my Dad had been telling her he was going to put her in a home. He had been banging and slamming things about- the main cause from what I can work out is that he didnt want to do the housework. But I imagine that my Mum may have been saying things to wind him up too. I calmed her down and Dad did admit that he should be more careful about what he says to her.
I was away at the weekend and called them yesterday. Mum had been having halucinations all weekend and had been quite bad - she sees snakes and they scare her alot. I think Dad is wuite impatient about them and shouts at her that they are not real. She told me that Dad had told her he was going to smash her in the face and pack his bags and leave her. While I was talking to her Dad was cooking and I heard him says 'I didnt say that at all'

I just don't know what to do - is this just them doing what they always do or is a sign that my Dad is just not coping at all and taking it out on Mum.
Should I ring Social services or just wait and see for a while and just monitor it.
I just dont know what to do.

Needmoresleep Tue 07-Jul-15 11:44:30

Its shit isn't it.

I suspect there are no easy answers/solutions but a few random thoughts:

1. you cannot protect your parents from the consequences of earlier poor decisions. And effectively the sort of relationship they have and their behaviour towards each other is something they created. And they are suffering the consequences now.

2. I would ask social services to do an assessment. I suspect they wont have solutions either, though they will know about local options. One big advantage, and a way to sell it to your dad is that once your mum is known to social services this will influence discharge decisions, and perhaps help prevent her being discharge too early. It can also open the door to advice on and help with adaptations. Obviously if your dad refuses to let them in trhey probably can't assess.

3. Some of your dads behaviour may be down to fear etc. Its not unusual for an elderly person to be frustrated, scared and angry when faced with the reality of caring for a person with dementia 24/7. Can you get further by discussing things in the context of awareness of his burden and his aspirations for his remaining years?

ProfessorDent Fri 24-Jul-15 17:18:54

One important thing. Do you have Power of Attorney in Health and Welfare over your parent? If not, try to get it because once they have lost mental capacity, you are screwed. Dodgy doctors, social workers, care home staff all have power over your relative, more than you do. You just have a 'say' but no casting vote. It may be too late, but act fast and see a solicitor.

You only find out once you need it and don't have it.

The hallucinations may be the Parkinson's drugs, maybe tweak them a bit.

A home may be okay but once in there is no turning back. If you have an inheritance, that will go at a grand a week if you are in the South East, and even then you don't get the care you ask for and you will be papering over the cracks of their lack of care. You may be better urgently seeking out home help and taking it from there.

Try and find a window of sanity for your mother and get PoA in Health (not just finance) if you can.

ProfessorDent Fri 24-Jul-15 17:20:01

Oh, it's unlikely you go straight into Parkinson's with dementia or hallucinations, it doesn't work like that mostly. Parkinson's dementia occurs after maybe 10 years or never. The drugs supplied can send you crazy like you have dementia though.

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