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MIL shd be in care home, sFIL in denial

(4 Posts)
Jux Tue 16-Jun-15 09:27:01

(sFIL and a solicitor have joint not actually POA as MIL was too gaga to give consent, but whatever it is you get instead.)

MIL has 24 hr care, two people share, and are on duty looking after her in their home (hers and sFIL's).

sFIL denies there is much wrong, but the carer had to insist on taking her to A&E on Sunday. She was checked out, given a catheter and sent home. She is now back in, this time admitted, all due to carer's insistence (sFIL rang and said she was perfectly OK). She is very ill right now, quite possibly this is the end anyway.

DH and his step siblings have been trying to persuade sFIL to moveher into a nursing home for quite a few years, now, but he is still partially in denial.

He is a nasty bugger, a bully, he plays power games with dh - he once ordered him out of the house because dh was talking to MIL's carer, sFIL said she was his employee and forbade her to speak to dh.

Is there a way to insist that she is moved into a suitable care home? She would love to have a lot of people about she can chatter away to. It will be less confusing should she need medical treatment like she does now, as they could do it in her own room. Her ongoing prognosis may actually improve. Atm she is pretty isolated, can't go out due to busy road just outside the house and due to her being totally demented and not safe alone anywhere.

They are in their 80s.

Thank you.

holeinmyheart Tue 16-Jun-15 22:57:23

I don't think you can interfere. Your FIL is the main carer ( not of the physical care but emotional) and providing he is in his right mind what he says goes.
It sounds as though the Carers have got things covered anyway. They are looking out for her.
Perhaps It is also easier for someone who is on the outside looking in to make judgements about her care. Perhaps your SFIL feels that the advice from his children about what he should do about his wife's welfare is annoying and patronising. He may be fearful about putting her in a home.
I think you may have to respect his wishes.

charlie0123 Tue 16-Jun-15 23:18:35

Don't say 'gaga' it's not very nice.

Jux Wed 17-Jun-15 13:55:23

Sorry Charlie.

The carers haven't got things covered. It turns out, after dh spoke to one this morning, that there is no 24 hr care, as he had told us. The one dh spoke to, who is the one who took MIL to casualty on Saturday, had arrived to take her to a gp appt because she though MIL had deteriorated over the 3 weeks she hadn't been there. Deteriorated, in that she was not longer mobile (3 weeks before she'd been very sprightly, could walk for miles, not doddery or feeble at all), that one arm was very weak and a few other things which sound like stroke or TIA. No one else noticed. No one else thought the gp might be a good idea (in fact, sFIL blustered that MIL only needed some aspirin and shouldn't go to A&E at all. No one knows whether the stroke possibility has been checked out. Her gp hasn't seen her for over a year. Without this particular carer, the fact that MIL hadn't had a wee for two days wouldn't have been noted as cause for concern let alone action.

We have a copy of the application to the Court of Protection, and it states that the reason they want it is to sell the house and get MIL into a safe environment. This document was done and dusted a year ago or more. Nothing has been done. The house hasn't been listed or anything.

Anyway, I agree that we can't force sFIL to do anything. So we may as well just let her die.

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