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In A&E with my mum- dsis annoying me.

(7 Posts)
kansasmum Mon 15-Jun-15 23:04:53

Mum fell in the garden and lay there for 45 mins before her neighbour heard and came to help her and called me. I called ambulance as mum couldn't move left leg and here we are in A&E. Phoned my sister who lives 15 mins from the hospital & filled her in. She said 'Well Id come but Im dropping my ds at cricket then got to pick him up but keep me posted'
My daughter is 41 weeks pregnant with her first baby and could obv go into labour anytime. My sister hasn't replied to any of my texts since 9pm. It's ALWAYS me that goes to the hospital would it kill my sister to offer to come down for once! Mum has been in A&E 7-8 times in last 2-3 years and my sister has never come to the hospital. I've asked but she won't. My mum says " oh well she's very busy"!
My sister doesn't work and is busy having tennis lessons and ferrying her kids around. I work have a pregnant dd and another ( adult) dd and a young ds at home. But I'm not busy apparently.
Feeling fed up and A&E is heaving tonight.

AuditAngel Mon 15-Jun-15 23:12:21

A&E is never fun, I sympathis, but actually mum having to go to A&E in May actually got my sister over a petty row from January and got my sister and I properly back on speaking terms.

In practical terms, if you normally accompany your mum, you will be better at dealing with the staff than your sister (my sister normally does her hospital appointments not me). Also, if sounds as though, with your mum brushing off her absences, your mum would prefer your help.


Heyho111 Mon 15-Jun-15 23:12:41

I'm sorry about your mum. Yes your sis is being v unreasonable. Could you talk to on her own and say how you feel or will it fall on deaf ears.

Needmoresleep Tue 16-Jun-15 11:52:39

For whatever reason your sister has decided your mother is not a priority in her life. This is not uncommon, and it is also not uncommon for one sibling to be indulged.

IME it is a waste of emotional energy to try to get a reluctant sibling to engage when they dont want to. Instead plan as if you are going to pick up the whole burden and decide what you are willing to cope with and how best to manage. 7-8 trips to A&E in a couple of years suggests that there is a real decline and that things are not going to improve.

1. Accomodation. A move to sheltered accomodation with night warden? Adaptation in her own home plus necklace alarm?

2. A Social Seervices assessment. This sounds awful but is important as getting her assess will mean her hospital file is flagged and that her vulnerability will be taken into account before discharge. Also SS will do a home assessment and recommend adaptations which should make life easier.

3. Power of Attorney. Lots of threads on how important this is. This is an opportunity to have a serious discussion with your sibling about roles. In many ways its much easier if one of you only has the financial one with the other down as alternate. However you should then insist that the document allows you to recharge exenses (each time you go to the hospital you are out of pocket etc) and depending on how much money there is you might add provision to charge for your time, perhaps deferred till a house is sold or something. In short, you may have to take on the burden but you want to make sure your resentment and the inequality is kept to a minimum. A sensible discussion, maybe in a solicitors office, might also have agreement on your sister covering when you go on holiday etc.

4. Look to see how carers/cleaners etc can help. Good to get your mother used to people other than you come into the home.

For me sheltered accomodation has been fantastic. It means that someone else gets the first call, and that most times the problem is solved before I hear about it. It also means that there is someone who knows my mother that I can seek advice from. My mother has company and a good meal each lunchtime, and hopefully she will be able to stay a while despite her increasing diability, delaying the point at which she needs ot go into a home.

QuintShhhhhh Tue 16-Jun-15 11:58:52

Well, I am sure you are busy, and I know it is annoying being in A&E with somebody, but you are a household of 3 adults and a young child. Surely between the two adult women, they should be able to handle looking after your one son? And even if your dd goes into labour, do you really need to rush there straight away?

If your mum has been in A&E 7-8 times this year, then surely she is not fit to live independently and you need to look into sheltered housing or a care home/

QuintShhhhhh Tue 16-Jun-15 11:59:36

That should be yearS not year.

Needmoresleep Tue 16-Jun-15 12:32:09

Thats a bit harsh! One of the things I find hardest is that, possibly for another decade, the phone might ring and I will need to drop everything and dash to a hospital. Even if I go on holiday I might need to race back.

Yes OP has three adults in her family. But she also has a sister. She might actually want to prioritise her daughter at this important time. Or at least think that her daughter's first baby takes priority over her nephew's cricket lesson. She wasn't saying that she did not go to A&E only that she resented the inequality.

Looking after elderly parents is draining. I hope in this part of MN we can be supportive. Each of us will make our own decisions, and most of us will feel guilty that we are not doing enough. Repeated advice is that you need to work out boundaries otherwise you will find yourself sinking.

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