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setting expectations

(10 Posts)
freedom2011 Fri 05-Dec-14 12:44:04

How did you discuss with parents and inlaws where they would live and what you would and wouldn't do even they could no longer manage alone.

feelingunsupported Fri 05-Dec-14 12:48:58

Watching with interest. We have an elderly uncle with no other family - he's currently in sheltered housing but is, in our opinion, going to need to be in a care home soon. He thinks we should be there every day (we all work and have young children) and gets angry when we can't, pretends to have falls so we go etc. Keep trying to broach the home conversation. ..

CMOTDibbler Fri 05-Dec-14 12:57:04

if I lived closer to my parents, this would be more of an issue, but I live 80 miles away and work ft so they accept that I can arrange help/do online shopping and will help in a complete emergency. Even so, its not been easy to get to this point

I've talked about when mum has to go into care, and suggested they move to near me, but dad is having none of it. But I do have a plan jic.

freedom2011 Fri 05-Dec-14 13:47:14

Hmm, see MIL looked after her MIL in her own home. And I'm just not prepared to do it. DH knows send has suggested a flat near us whilst they are still relatively independent making a move into a care home when they are no longer able to manage. Two problems

1) DH is yet to broach it
2) I'm presently ill myself meaning MIL has spent last 2 weekends cooking for me and looking after DD. I've been profuse in my gratitude. And MIL just says well I just hope when we're in need you'll be there for us.

And I feel a complete cow .for thinking a few weekends meals sure thing, a nearby flat sure thing, butmoving in - no way sad

soppycatlovelady Fri 05-Dec-14 16:42:51

We need to have this conversation with 85 year old mil. She too looked after her DM in a 3 way share with her siblings. They each did 4 months. The thing is she was in her 30's and we are nearly at retirement age. I am not in the best of health with an illness exacerbated by stress. My DH keeps putting it off. She says she wants to do the Power of Attorney stuff and I hope the Health and Welfare one will lead to a discussion of what will happen

soppycatlovelady Fri 05-Dec-14 16:46:52

I should have added that she intends staying in the family home with no downstairs bathroom facilities and a very narrow staircase. To quote
"It will see me out".

whataboutbob Fri 05-Dec-14 17:50:03

I have tried to have " the conversation " with my dad and my grandad before him. In both cases they might have well stuck their hands over their ears and sung " La la la". The mantra of independence and staying at home was well and truly ingrained even though really neither was/ is independent Dad's staying at home has required me to take control of all his affairs, the maintenance of his house and the commissioning of all day carers. An attempt to settle him in residential care ( he has alzheimers ) failed spectacularly because he went bananas. I know there must be elderly persons who plan for their old age and can discuss it realistically , I just haven t met any. I think my gran would have been able. In the event she died at home of a stroke.

freedom2011 Fri 05-Dec-14 17:53:46

soppy yes. No way my FIL will ever leave his house. He built it himself. Fortunately they do already live downstairs. But I'm worried about MIL on her own there if he goes first. Thing is , MIL can totally see how how her nieces can't care for her sister and that a care home is best but I don't think one thinks of oneself in those terms. DH and I have agreed we'll be taking a last hoorah trip ending in Switzerland when our time comes. Assuming we're lucky enough to get that far.

soppycatlovelady Fri 05-Dec-14 17:57:00

Freedom, that is just what we say!

whataboutbob Fri 05-Dec-14 18:59:45

But would we? That's what our present selves say. When you are there, in your 80s, frail, starting to lose your grip on things, I think you just try and hold on for dear life.

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