What would you do

[youngatheart1]

Hi, Both my inlaws struggle a bit with mobility FIL has diabetes and really swollen legs, MIL has parkinsons, which I am sorry to say she plays on, harsh but the truth, they are both very difficult to deal with. My DH took away the keys to their car last Xmas as FIL was unable to control the brake, clutch etc and was always leaving the handbrake off or bashing into cars and driving off. MIL went mad as she wants to go out every day, they are getting used to no car now and do go out to pubs etc using taxi's, but refuse to go food shopping, it is boring and I therefore have to collect a list weekly and order an online shop for them, as they refuse to do this either. FIL is really hit and miss with his insulin, MIL is always moaning he sleeps alot and the GP/Nurses have told him it is because he is not controlling his sugar level, therein lies the problem, every single week without fail the order contains sugar, butter, cream, 3 cakes, 3 packets of biscuits, 2-3 jars of jam, 2-3 packets of sweets, tins of fruit etc. At least half of their shop is sweet things, when I try to talk to them about it MIL say's why should I she go without. I have told them about reduced sugar etc but they are not interested. Last week I called around on the off chance and FIL has just come back in a taxi from Iceland, bearing in mind this was Tuesday and their shop was coming Thursday his bag contained, 3 packets of biscuits, large cake, sweets and trifles. When I asked him why he just looked and strugged his shoulders. Now when MIL complains about his sleeping we say you know the answer. Am I wrong to reduce the amount of biscuits etc each week, like today they will not get the sugar as I know they had a bag last week, I buy one for 3 of us once every 5 - 6 weeks. The trouble is I know they will get it elsewhere, I am wondering whether to tell them to get their own sweet stuff so I can't get cross when I see the list, if they had proper food I would not worry so much but the list today contained 2 chops, 2 chicken legs and bacon? No fresh fruit or anything, how do I deal with this, without losing my cool.

[twentyten]

That sounds really hard. Not sure what to suggest.... My dm is is very fond of m and s dinners - could you add other stuff?
Sympathy!

[Isoldeonetwo]

It's their lives- their choice , their addiction. They are adults Even if it kills them. Confronting them has little effect I've found . It just made it worse and made me stressed .

. I have a similar issue with my mother and her online shop which is done over the telephone usually at inopportune moment just after I've put the kids to bed . ( can't pin her to a regular slot or time ) it used to make me angry , it's irritating and now I'm just immune to it . The usual excuse is that her practically teetotal driving visiting by car friends drank all the booze that week If anything it made me realise the impact of what she has drunk her whole life . I'd chosen to ignore it till now or thought if exaggerated it in my head when I was younger .

Good luck . Put yourself in their shoes - would you take kindly to
Your source of " support" controlling how you ate and what you bought . You'd react angrily even though deep down you might concede they were right . In time you might need to get more artful for their sakes but for now I wouldn't

[ginandtonicpleasee]

Having a similar problem here... my father has mental health issues and clearly has an eating disorder - he is 84 and 20 stone and eats all the time if given the chance. My mom is now in hospital after a fall so (as they live with me!) I have more of a chance of controlling his diet and he is definitely eating less crap as i am not buying it... but she will be home soon and be buying endless sugar (and sugar substitutes, she gets him a sugar substitute for his tea but adds sugar because he doesn't like the taste!!?.. Its a hard one. I always remember their doctor telling me as I tried to move them out of their rodent infested home that 'I might not like the decisions they made but it was still their right to make them' and she really had a point. At the end of the day ... it is their life... but its very hard to be on the sidelines watching xx

[Isoldeonetwo]

I think I might quote that to my mum when push comes to shove g&t . It's really hard for me to be on the sidelines as she's fighting ( me) every step of the way to keep her life as it was before my father died .

At least your dh sorted the car op / that I agree with because it could impact on an innocent 3rd party . Luckily my mother is too scared to get behind the wheel again despite the 6 monthly can dh renew the car tax no I don't want to sorn it despite it sat there battery flat n all malarkey !

[whataboutbob]

All health care professionals have to observe the dictum that if people have capacity, they may make unwise choices but it is their right to make them. Hence the GP's comments I guess ginandtonic. It is a lot harder to be Zen about it when it's your parents though... Sounds like your mother has been facilitating your Dad's disordered eating. Not easy, you have my sympathies. For years Dad ignored his health, then got heart disease and diabetes, which may well have led to his getting dementia. I am a dietitian and tried talking to him about diet, he'd just laugh it off.