I am after some advice with a situation in which I feel particularly out of my depth. This is going to be a lengthy post so apologies in advance.
Firstly a bit of background. Elderly parents who live about a mile from their nearest neighbour retired and in their eighties. Mobile in as much as my father drove my mum to the shops but could barely walk himself, and my mother could walk short distances but was not able to drive due to poor eyesight (cataracts). Not conversant with modern technology they had no access to mobile phones or internet – just a landline and not even a cordless one. They refused any help from me unless they were absolutely desperate ie hospital visits to the city hospital as opposed to a local town one which only delivered limited services. They said they were independent – I’d say stubborn.
In recent years Mum has had a form of skin cancer which has meant many trips to the city hospital (about twenty miles away from their house and a eighty mile round trip for me). I was there willingly and uncomplainingly. It wouldn’t have struck to me to be any other way. However, when it reached the point of daily visits it was impacting massively on my business. I tried to explain to them both and offered solutions such as a volunteer service, an ambulance or friends but she wanted me to take her. She became so distressed that I relented. Regrettably two months later I had to return to employment (which I was lucky enough to fall into) as I lost so much business over previous months I was unable to keep afloat.
Obviously I could not take time off work to the same degree from this point on and my parents cut me off, choosing instead to ask a neighbour for help. The neighbour provided one of her employees to drive my mother as it was necessary (by this time appointments had returned to one a month at most). I was grateful for the help but upset at the fact my parents no longer wanted contact. If I called they said I had left them in the lurch and if I tried to point out anything to the contrary my father would shout abuse. It was very distressing times.
Then my father was admitted to hospital. I didn’t find out until he had been in there three days. Of course I immediately went to visit only to meet head on with their neighbour’s employee who was very prickly. Mum refused lifts from me to visit my dad, refused to come and stay with me and would not discuss my father’s care. She said “We have managed without you until now and we can carry on”. After over five years of hospital visits and care I was somewhat shell-shocked.
My daughter (the eldest of my four children – the rest are still in education) came to visit from overseas and went to see them. They spent the entire time telling her how awful I was and how I had abandoned them in their hour of need. They also told her tales of how they called me and I never answered and that I had changed my telephone number without telling them (I hadn’t and neither had they tried to call as my phone lists any missed ones). My daughter attempted to point out the other side but realised it was fruitless. She was also very distressed as she was aware of the flip side completely – she had often accompanied me on hospital visits when she lived at home and knew my concerns over their welfare as we talk frequently on Skype.
I called my parents after my daughter had returned home as I hoped that her visit may have had an impact. My mother was vaguely ok but my father was still in the same frame of mind. Nonetheless I paid them a visit. Sadly it was filled with name calling, recriminations and blame, none of which I felt was just or fair. My husband and I sat in dumbfounded disbelief as they railed against me. It was fruitless trying to argue.
Two days later my father dropped dead of a heart attack. I found out from the neighbour they had turned to. She was very rude to me on the phone and also said I had abandoned my parents.
Needless to say I immediately went to my mother’s side. Understandably after 60 years of marriage she was absolutely distraught. Again I met head on with the neighbour’s employee but at this point my mother decided she didn’t want her knowing her private business and pushed her away. I also met head on with a man they used for odd jobs – I had never trusted him as he didn’t do a particularly good job and still took their money (here it is worthy of note that my husband runs a maintenance business but they refused to accept his help although free) – and he always scuttled off when I arrived. Odd job was the first person she called when my father had his heart attack and she claims she will be for ever in his debt. It is also worthy of note that my father was barely cold when he was asking after all his gardening equipment and his car.
It is a month since my father died. My mother is living in the same house and claims she will never leave. I am completely behind her if that is what she wants to do. Here in simple terms are our situations along with my observations and concerns about my mother.
The house is a mile from the nearest neighbour and twenty miles from us. My mother does not drive. I work full time (and work have been really supportive and helpful through the last month – I have been in less than 50% of the time). My husband works full time and more. I have two teenage boys at home and my husband has two boys from his previous marriage who stay with us for part of every weekend. My parents property has 6 acres of land attached which needs tending (my husband and I do this now). The house is in a state of poor repair and is heated with a coal fire and a back boiler. My mother is afraid of fire and often struggles to get it lit in a morning. There is no oven or microwave – just a hob. The bathroom is basic and my mother refuses to use an immersion heater and the fire is never hot enough to heat water. She boils a kettle to wash pots. This list goes on.
Notwithstanding all the hardships unnecessary in this day and age, I am worried about my mother’s state of mind. Her memory has always been poor or selective. Now it is non-existent. We have found cupboards full of paperwork from over the years which we are beginning to sort through (some of it dates back to the early 1900s and belonged to my grandparents) and burning what is not necessary. My mother has also been adding to the paperwork for burning pile and has been throwing out all sorts of things which I have already sorted and filed away. She has lost important documents, forgotten where she has left stuff and mixed things about after they have been sorted. She has told many different stories about the same thing and forgets who has called, who she has spoken to and many other things besides. She told me that her neighbour’s employee is all she has now my dad has gone (did she forget who I was?) and then in the next breath says she doesn’t want her around. She complains when she has visitors because she can’t get on but complains when she doesn’t because she is lonely. She tells people we don’t visit (we go every day even if for 5 minutes). She has no care for her safety, refuses to use a mobile phone when out around the property (rabbit holes everywhere - really easy to fall over) and yesterday walked to the nearest neighbour along a road down which cars race at 70mph + without even calling them first to say she was on her way. They were horrified – I know because I now talk to the neighbour’s employee who found my number and called me – we had a very enlightening conversation which revealed many contradicting pieces of information.
We have offered to live with her if she doesn’t want to move house. The property is big enough to convert into a house for us (at our expense) and a good sized granny annexe for her. She was furious. We have tried to explain the ramifications of the current situation but she is in complete denial. I was at my wit’s end before my father died but this is truly awful. I have asked her to go to the doctor because I am concerned about her state of mind but she refused on the grounds she had been through enough with doctors in her life. She says there is nothing wrong with her, it’s me that needs to see a doctor for my state of mind. She has accused me of bullying, railroading, taking over and to top it off she yesterday accused my husband of running his business out of her house. Umm no! She is clearly not coping but I am helpless. I have considered calling her doctor and reaping the whirlwind. We cannot all continue like this and with winter coming I am becoming increasingly concerned!
And the reason for the long post - to highlight that it has been difficult for a long time and I can no longer see what is my parents really and what might be the start of something else or what might just be grief. Any advice or thoughts would be gratefully received.
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Elderly parents
Who is losing their mind? Is it me or my mum? Help, I am out of my depth!
11 replies
hildarobbo · 15/10/2014 11:38
OP posts:
hildarobbo ·
15/10/2014 12:33
That's very useful ohtheholidays - thank you. Now if I can just persuade my mother that going to the doctor is a good idea... 
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