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Elderly parents

Mum has died

48 replies

oskybosky4 · 13/02/2014 09:15

To everyone who has helped me on the other thread I just want to say thank you so much for all your support and help.

My mum was moved to a nursing home yesterday, she arrived at 4 o'clock. She was back in her beloved Holmfirth, where she grew up and where she wanted to be.

She died in the early hours of this morning.

My sister nor myself were there as the home had written my phone number down wrong so couldn't contact me and my sister never heard the phone ringing. The nurse said she stayed with mum till the end and she was peaceful.

Yesterday was the only day that neither myself nor my sister had seen my mum since she had been in hospital - because everytime we rang the hospital they just said they were waiting for transport so by the time we got there she could be on her way to the home. We took her photo's and flowers to the home so they would be in her room ready for her when she arrived.

We had just arrived back home when the home rang and said my had just got there so we must have missed her by minutes.

The doctor would not sign the death certificate as he said her death was unexpected so the police had to be called in and we are now waiting for a call from the Coroner.

My mum was a lovely lady, 96 years old and had been lucky enough to have a good healthy life until very recently so we have to be thankful for that. I hope she knew we loved her.

OP posts:

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ajandjjmum · 13/02/2014 09:17

I'm so sorry.

QOD · 13/02/2014 09:17

Aww she'd have been surrounded by your lovely photos and flowers xx
Sorry for your loss, 96! What amazing things she must have seen in her life

TheresNoMeWithoutYou · 13/02/2014 09:18

JeanSeberg · 13/02/2014 09:18

Very sorry to hear about your mum osky. Sending you and thinking of you at this sad time.

Wishing you strength in the days and weeks to come.

Jinglebells99 · 13/02/2014 09:19

So sorry to hear about your mum.

LittleBearPad · 13/02/2014 09:19

I'm sorry.

I'm sure she did know.

Needmoresleep · 13/02/2014 15:52

She was happy about moving "home". It is very sad that you did not get the call and could not be with her, but from what you said there have been good days in the last few weeks, as well as the bad. You know you did what you could for her, and also that the future looked pretty bleak.

I hope the coroner stuff is sorted out soon. The chasing round after various certificates and the detail of arranging a funeral is quite bizarre. However I hope you now have a chance to celebrate her life now the worry of the past few months is over.

Take care and again I hope it all goes smoothly. Do keep posting.

Weegiemum · 13/02/2014 15:55

So sorry for your loss

mumblechum1 · 13/02/2014 15:57

OP, as others have said, you did everything you possibly could and she died where she wanted to.

She may have waited till you weren't there before she went, I've heard of people doing that.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 13/02/2014 16:01

I'm so very sorry Osky. Take care of yourself

twentyten · 13/02/2014 16:05

So very sorry.Agree with mumble-i've heard of this too.Thinking of you.You could not have done more.Take care of yourself

CMOTDibbler · 13/02/2014 16:10

Osky, I'm so sorry to hear this. Look after yourself.

pudcat · 13/02/2014 18:05

I posted on your other post, but Maybe your Mum did know she was back in Holmfirth and that was her signal to go. You did all you could for your Mum and she went in a lovely place. Take care and keep in touch.

oskybosky4 · 13/02/2014 18:07

Thank you everybody, you are all so kind and I do appreciate it.

Its been quite bizzarre today and have gone through a whole load of emotions from laughing to crying and just feeling plain stunned.

The Coroner got in touch with mums own GP, the hospital doctor and the nurses at the home and she was satisfied that the hospital doctor who had been treating mum could issue the certificate but he would have to examine her as well. So poor mum has been all over the place today, from the CH to the funeral home the police use and then to the hospital where she is now. I can't help thinking if we had left her in hospital she might still be alive now - but then I think it would only have been a short time longer anyway.

My youngest son and his wife bought my sister and myself beautiful bouquets of flowers and put all our sons names and their wives on the card.

We have seen the undertaker and the funeral is arranged for next Friday the 21st at 9.30. My son has arranged a gathering with a buffet at the pub we often go to for meals, for afterwards. 2 of my sons and one of my sisters sons will be travelling quite a long way to get here so thought it only fair we all got together afterwards.

A vicar that my sister knows well is going to to the service, he also met my mum and chatted to her a while when she was in hospital so that is nice that he at least met her.

My eldest son, who is quite macho, told me he was telling a friend at work, the fourth person he told, and he just broke down in tears. Andy is not the touchy feely sort at all and this is the first time I have known him cry since he was quite small.

My youngest son, who we have been with today, was making us laugh at his memories of mum taking him to town on a saturday mornings and buying him chips and a custard slice, always the same cafe and if he didn't drink all his can of pop she would put a tissue in the top and bring it home. Mum would have been in her late 70s then.

I was looking for a nice appropriate poem for the service but they were all making me cry so gave up. We are trying to think of music now, not anything too mournful or sentimental. My mind has gone a blank on what music she liked as she hasn't listened to any for so long, she forgot how to work the cd player and the radio properly so said she wasn't bothered.

Sorry to be so long winded but it helps to write stuff down.

OP posts:

pudcat · 13/02/2014 18:55

Glad all the Coroner stuff was sorted. Maybe your Mum might have lived a little while longer but the she would have suffered longer. How comforting to know that our Mums are going on their final journey on the same day. My eldest son is also called Andy.
I find that my emotions are bizarre as well. Now I am in limbo until next week.

ssd · 13/02/2014 19:02

I'm so sorry op

am so glad I started this elderly parents section, its been invaluable to so many of us here xx

oskybosky4 · 16/02/2014 15:11

We were trying to find some music for the service yesterday and a hymn. I think we have decided on New Mill Choir [local] singing The Lords Prayer for going in and Michael Jackson singing Smile for the final piece of music.

I feel terrible today, I couldn't get up this morning and just wanted to sleep all the time, I am thinking about mum all the time.

OP posts:

oskybosky4 · 16/02/2014 15:12

I don't know what to do

OP posts:

WeeSleekit · 16/02/2014 15:22

I saw some of your other thread. You have been so very brave and not only will there be a huge gap in your life from losing your mum, but a lot of your life recently has revolved around trying to sort things out for her. There will also be that feeling of limbo until the funeral. Do try to keep a semblance of routine in your life until then, try to sleep, eat and rest well and accept any help offered. Have you got people around to support you?

pudcat · 16/02/2014 16:46

osky I know how you feel. I should now be travelling home from visiting Mum but I am not. I am in a state of limbo. We have both spent so much time looking after our Mums and now that has come to an end. There is a big void. I retired 8 years ago. The first year My husband's father died. Then soon after my Mum came to live with us and then a succession of hospital, CH, several times in hospital and finally the NH. So all my retirement has been to do with Mum. The house is looking uncared for but I will have to make myself do it because a few relatives will be coming back here. Not many.
Sleep does not come easily. I have tried to involve my sister in all decisions but she doesn't want to know. She just moans that the funeral is too far away. It is 55 mins from them - she wanted it nearer her, but all the relatives apart from her and 1 cousin live this way. She says she will come back to the house but not for long.
So osky I will think of you on Friday morning and then when you are toasting the wonderful memory of your Mum, you can think of me just about to send my Mum on her final journey.
We are having Daniel O'Donnell to go into - Mum's favourite. Then my sister insisted on the Day Thou gavest. The funeral celebrant read what we have written about Mum. Then that poem I showed you and we go out to Glenn Miller and String of Pearls. Mum loved her pearls and often spoke of seeing Glenn Miller with my Dad in the war.
I want Friday to come but on the other hand it is so final.
We will hold each other's hand across the miles osky. Take care and remember all the good memories.

sonlypuppyfat · 16/02/2014 16:52

I'm so sorry for your loss.

oskybosky4 · 16/02/2014 16:57

Our house is the same, I havn't done any housework, other than washing up for the last couple of weeks. Our dog is depressed because I havn't been playing with him like I usually do. My DH doesn't seem to notice that the house needs tidying up and that I would like a nice meal making for me without having to ask him.

I have just been sitting here all afternoon - I can see things I need to do but just can't summon up the energy or will to do them. It all seems pointless today.

I just want to see my mum and talk to her.

I have other people to support me but they are close family and are grieving too.

OP posts:

pudcat · 16/02/2014 17:14

I just want to see my mum and talk to her.
Yes so do I and I bet if we could they would give us a right telling off. My husband is the same. He doesn't notice the house and I would love a meal cooked for me. I am just using up casseroles from the freezer and putting them in the oven.

JeanSeberg · 16/02/2014 17:34

Do you have the possibility of visiting your mum in the chapel of rest OP? I found this comforting, appreciate it's not the case for everyone of course.

twentyten · 16/02/2014 18:33

Sending hugs and sympathy to you both osky and pud. Really feel for you. Just do what must be done- and be kind to yourselves. The limbo is so very hard.

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