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I resent...

(39 Posts)
alicetrefusis Thu 24-Oct-13 19:48:15


Please help. Extremely aged father died earlier this year, his last decades increasiongly frail and his final two years compromised with dementia. Horrible. I hated what the disease did to him, what it stripped him of ( everything that made him himself ). I did not enjoy visiting; I dreaded it. Didn't know what to say, how to connect with him.

Now mother is ill. I am her only blood relative left. I am fairly certain she is in early stages of the disease too v- her memory is certainly shot to pieces; her reasoning is at times bizarre.

And now it seems she may need a joint replacement. Which may or may not be successful. I think odds stacked on 'not' myself - which could well leave her incapacitated. We have a difficult relationship and today I feel so irrationally angry. I could wrench someone's head off.

I am not the saintly care-giver by any menas. If I'm honest, I resent it.

I resent all the paperwork.
I resent never being asked how I am
I resent never being offered so much as a hot drink at her house, which is miles away from me.
I resent the fact that my foot is hardly over the threshold before I hear a querulous voice saying 'Alice, I need you to....'
I resent that we don't have a better relationship
I resent the fact that her doctor is snarky and jobsworth with me.
I resent that she didn't look after me when I needed it. Yet I am expected to do it for her.
I resent I have to try and hold down a very stressful job as well as deal with all this shit.
I resent not getting a break between father dying and mother needing additional support.

Resentir, Fr, - to feel again.

I resent, and I need to let go.

Theas18 Thu 24-Oct-13 20:02:13

Just to say I'm sorry you are going through all this and give you an un mumsnetty hug.

From a practical pov has she filed expressed consent to discuss anything and everything with you at the GP? He/she is probably treading a fine line around confidentiality that does come over as "jobs worthy" .

Do you have power of attorney for both health and finance, if not get it now before she becomes unable to grant it.

Are you looking after you? Do you have support at home? If ou are hiding down a ft job and being her carer you might be helped rather beyond what you'd expect by something simple like getting a cleaner or paying the have your ironing done.

Might be worth looking into day centres for her too - my very decrepit parents have been helped hugely by going to a day centre where they meet other ancients who are now their friends and do art/craft/chair exercises etc. it means mum isn't alien with demented dad 24/7 7 days a week ( she's mentally ok but physically more I'll than she thinks).

Oh and the joint replacement ..... Gosh... You need to maybe talk to the surgeon with her. Mum had her knee done some years ago when she was much more fit. Still took a whole year to really get "the benefit" and she was much worse re mobility for many months. Add o that the effect if a hospital stay in someone who might be dementing and physically not so good and I dunno where the balance of risks/problems and benefits lies.

Put me on the "pm when I need to chat/scream" list!

alicetrefusis Thu 24-Oct-13 20:16:48

Hello Thea and thanks for your reply. Yes I have PoA, not yet triggered. Yes she has a cleaner and gardener; there is no way she'd countenanace a day centre unfortunately. Getting carers in to assist with my much older decrepit father was a labour of Hercules.

We've already done the letter to the GP but it 'wasn't showing on the system.' Next task tomorrow is to do (another) one.

Went with her to consultant appointment last time and agreed watch and wait for now. But she is having a major flare-up at the mo and GP keen for her to go for the joint replacement now.

Feel very low. I offered to do her shopping this weekend, but she wants to come too becasue she always forgets things to put on the list. She can't possibly walk round the store She will refuse a wheelchair.

My plan is to say, 'well put it on the list for next time, and if you can't wait for it, then ask a neighbour or take a taxi and get it yourself .'(harsh I know - but need to call her bluff on walking round the supermarket.)

Also she has bizarrely specific requests - the EXACT size of banana; not wanting loo roll in a colourful packet hmm etc etc

fabulousathome Thu 24-Oct-13 20:18:09

My MIL with dementia refused to have her hip replaced "I'll think about it...." she used to say to the Dr but moaned at us about how bad it was.

Recently she had an episode when she found it extra difficult to walk and GP suggested it might be broken and insisted we take her to A & E. Dr at A & E said (in vague terms) that NHS would not do it as it was now too late and recovery would be uncertain as she would find it impossible to comply e.g. with recovery exercises, forgetting not to get out of bed in a careful way and so on.

So, if your DM is going to have the operation then have it sooner rather than later.

The ironic thing is that my MIL's bad hip has enabled her to stay in her house (with fairly advanced dementia) as her mobility is so poor. She has a few visits from carers per day. If she was capable of wandering she would get lost but she can't walk far enough to do so. Go figure!

alicetrefusis Thu 24-Oct-13 20:28:42

Fabulous - that's very interesting. I suspect mother would not comply anyway with physio as she doesn't at the moment 'Oh I don't do that - it made a dent in my mattress' hmm. I must say my temptation is to let her be - I cannot see a good outcome!

alicetrefusis Thu 24-Oct-13 20:31:36

I meant in terms of her joint replacement

CMOTDibbler Thu 24-Oct-13 21:50:04

Alice, I really feel for you, and you are perfectly entitled to feel resentful about it all. I feel resentful and angry that other peoples parents are the same age as mine, and do babysitting, buy things for their GC, are emotionally supportive. And I get to buy incontinence pads, schlep my parents to appointments, phone them every day to make sure all is ok, etc

My mum (who has dementia) needs her knee replacing. She thinks this would be good as 'her friend had it done and it was great', but most of her pain is from her back which she forgets. And would never be compliant, so dad and I are blocking it as much as possible. Like Fabulous, the lack of ability to wander is a bit of a bonus.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Fri 25-Oct-13 08:11:19

I get it too Alice and I think you'd be a rare person not to feel some level of resentment. Anyone buying Tenalady - Tenadirect are very good and you register once for VAT relief and apply it to account then it always takes the VAT off. No more standing in the pharmacy clutching a packet saying I need these for my Mother!

It's funny what gets to you. The never having a drink made for me really rankles for some reason. It all went a bit pear shaped with my Mum's care and I haven't seen her since July at her request (I was evil and plotting against her apparently). I might be going for a cuppa, she said 'you'll have to make it yourself' and I felt all pissed off again.

Please feel free to join the Dementia support thread and have a moan when you need it with others going through it to.

whataboutbob Fri 25-Oct-13 09:04:46

Alice FWIW I oscillate between resentment, anger and sadness a lot of the time. My father has Alzheimers, mum died 19 years ago, and to round things off nicely my brother has just been diagnosed with schizophrenia, after about 20 years of my Dad " siting on" the problem and obstructing any contact with psychiatry. They live together. Because mum isn t around I am official family problem solver/ carer etc. prior to dad it was my grandfather. I had to support ( Parkinson's s and cancer) until I had to arrange for him to go into a nursing home, which he hated.
Sometimes when I drop the kids off at school and look at the other mothers in their gangs discussing coffee mornings, 11 plus etc etc I just think I have nothing in common with them. I just don t even have the energy to try and strike up a rapport, truth be told I find a lot of them superficial, apart from a few exceptions.
Nice to see the loveLy French language being used in a post! Pedant alert! Resentir means to feel, to experience, I think resent is " eprouver de la rancune".

pudcat Fri 25-Oct-13 10:10:52

I feel resentful as well sometimes. I resent that my looked forward to retirement plans came to nothing. I resent that my sister does not want to visit Mum as often as I do, and that she swans off on a 2 week cruise twice a year. I have managed a 4 day break and she still didn't visit more.
So you are not alone.

fabulousathome Sat 26-Oct-13 09:45:15

I also resent that now our DC are grown up, have moved away, and we do not need to stick to school hols for our own holidays we cannot go abroad on trips as things seem to happen with MIL when we are away, usually something with her house and often because she has fiddled with it, e.g. heating problems, she turns something off (freezer) or something breaks.

She won't go into respite voluntarily because of course "there's nothing wrong with me" and we cannot force her (apparently). We decided we would travel in the UK for less than a week but can't go, for example, on a 3 week trip to USA to see my DB. My own parents who are still relatively independent are 90 and 83 so I know that I will do more and more for them. DH is an only child and DB lives in USA so there's just me who lives locally for 3 oldies. It's a bit depressing.

ruby1234 Mon 28-Oct-13 10:27:28

thanks to everyone on here who is struggling.

I too am very resentful.
I live just over the road from my parents. My DD died of Alzheimer's earlier this year after suffering for over 5 years. My DM was his carer (he stayed at home). Really it was almost a relief when he died after being so ill for such a long time. My DM managed ok with him, but moaned and snapped at me the whole time, nothing I did was right. I take her for all her shopping/doctors/appointments etc and all she does is complain. Every single situation is looked at in a negative view, and she spends all her time worrying about what will happen if...... I find it very hard to have anything like a normal conversation with her as she always thinks I am wrong, or trying to trick her into something. I give up a lot of time for her for no thanks and it is very draining. I also have 3 grown up children of my own and a lovely DH.

But, what I resent most of everything, is my two useless brothers. They both live less than 1/2 an hour away, never visit unless my DM has a job for them (and she pays them to do jobs), they never ring her to see how she is and never ring me to ask how things are. They are 55 and 53. She treats them like little darlings, buys them bottles of whisky and cooks them lunch. I never get so much as a cup of coffee.

My DM is always telling everyone about how wonderful the boys are and how much they do for her. I never get a mention, unless she's complaining about what I don't do.

Well, that was very therapeutic!

Needmoresleep Mon 28-Oct-13 10:58:00

Why is this? With dementia thrown in, my mother was telling the whole hospital waiting room how dreadful I was and how wonderful my brother is.

I almost hugged the lady at the memory clinic who, after a particularly vehement rant, pointed out I was there, my brother was not.

The problem however is diminishing as my mother seems to have acknowledged she needs regular support, and that my brother is not going to provide it, and I have become more assertive in refusing to accept the constant criticism. Astonishingly liberating. Accepting my mother's attitude towards me was the habit of a lifetime.

Rant on. And Bob thanks for the French lesson. Am hiding from a French exchange who has yet to attempt a word of English. Daughter under instructions to take her on the standard London tour: Top Shop, Abercrombie and M&M world. I wont accompany.

ssd Tue 29-Oct-13 21:35:30

hi to everyone here
many moons ago I started this topic so people like us could come here and vent and rave about the frustrations and sadness when dealing with our elderly I'm found on the bereavement topics, you can guess why.....anyway, hugs to you all, its hard, so very very hard dealing with all this, and usually alone.

fabulousathome Wed 30-Oct-13 16:10:35

I'm sorry to hear that you have needed to move to a different section SSD.
You did a good thing by starting this one though. Thanks.

alicetrefusis Wed 30-Oct-13 16:12:52

I agree Fabulous. Thanks for starting this thread SSD, and sorry for your loss.

ssd Wed 30-Oct-13 18:09:06

thanks girls xx

GreenVelvet Fri 01-Nov-13 09:43:44

Hi OP.

I think "resentment" is an interesting emotion, yes? I am thinking this, because I am feeling it this morning myself. It is a strange and unsettling mixture of anger and sadness, perhaps?

Maybe sadness and anger that am not feeling the "love" and care that I wish I did feel, because of all the difficulties in our relationship ...

Wishing you strength and love, and hoping you find a different place.


DowntonTrout Fri 01-Nov-13 10:00:10

I understand completely. I feel the same.

I have been away for a few days and so, today, I have to go visit mum.

I don't want to go. There is no pleasure left. I cannot connect with her. There is no conversation or discussion. She is pleased to see me (at the moment) but when I leave she is not aware I have been.

Mum fractured her hip in July. She had surgery but not a hip replacement as there was no point. She would not have done the physio, indeed, the fracture has caused her deterioration to increase rapidly.

It is a massive weight hanging over my head. I keep going but I hate it. thanks

ratherbeinnorfolk Tue 19-Nov-13 13:30:56

Me too. I hate going to see her but I feel bad if I don't go. I feel guilty just for being 40 years younger than her. She's not ungrateful but the more I help the more she dislikes it, because it's taking away from her independence.

Had this situation with my Dad 20 years ago, but then it was just sad, he didn't argue, complain or fight for his independence, he just gave in to his various medical problems and died at 79. My Mum will be 94 at Xmas - probably the most determined person I know.

When I was 14 my Mum started looking after my grandparents and she did it more or less full time for 20 years. This made me resent my grandmother who let her do it, and my Mum as well. My main motivation is to keep my family life together, I find this helps me by taking away some of the guilt for not looking after my Mum full time. I need to take time away from her for my DH and DCs (and for me - but I use them as the excuse.) I also have a job (part-time) and this keeps me sane - have to concentrate on something else.

I divide up my mind, and only think about what I'm doing at that particular moment, so I have work, home and Mum and I try to keep them as separate as possible.

Auriga Sun 08-Dec-13 15:46:43

I'm struggling with an inability to like my resident mother. I do feel concern for her: that her deafness is worse, she doesn't see anyone, she can't listen to music or the radio any more.

But when I try to chat to her, she so quickly settles in to criticise someone in really mean-spirited terms. Today it was my BIL, who has done fifty times more for her than her own son ever did.

She doesn't want to go to my sister's for Christmas, mainly because we're not going, so she wouldn't get a lift. This means we'll go eight months without a break from her. At the moment I can't imagine how I'll cope.

She's getting frailer but won't admit it, for example she won't use the second banister I've put in. She'll soon need a room downstairs <frets>.

I used to love and appreciate her and look forward to seeing her. This seems a sad way for all of us to live.

pudcat Sun 08-Dec-13 16:00:38

It is so hard to look after parents at home. I applaud you Auriga. I tried and had to give up. I saw my Mum today and she is always criticising people that she doesn't even know. Can you take her to your sisters and then leave her there for a while to give you a break? It is sad.

biryani Sun 08-Dec-13 16:13:22

I sympathise too. I had a cousin and aunt with dementia who were struggling after my mother died of cancer. I tried to care for them whilst my dd was very little but failed miserably as they couldn't help themselves and I lived 20 miles away, not close enough to be on hand every day. My aunt died but I have tried to help my cousin, who is in very poor mental and physical health. He won't take my advice, but is demanding at the same time. Like the op, I have never been offered a cup of tea at his house. He refuses to pay for care and relies on the generosity and support of neighbours. He has a massive sense of entitlement and will not do small, doable chores for himself.

I really resent him! He's not even elderly, so this could go on for decades.

The way I feel about him makes me uncomfortable and guilty. I don't connect with him and he has never done anything for me ( or anyone else) so I suppose I wonder why I feel the need to carry on when others have guiltlessly ignored him.

SinisterBuggyMonth Mon 09-Dec-13 23:57:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whataboutbob Tue 10-Dec-13 20:25:46

Biryani I wonder whether you still try with your cousin out of a sense of obligation towards your mother. It sounds like she tried, and you think- maybe at a subconscious level why should. I have it any easier than her? My brother has mental illness and my dad has AD. I. Have been in counselling for 18 months and one of the breakthroughs i had was realising I d been thinking I wasn t entitled to have a better life than my mum. She had to deal with my bro and Dad ( who has long been unreasonable even before he got dementia).

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