Advanced search
Affected by Dementia? We have a new Talk topic specifically for Dementia, please do pop over and take a look

Visit the Dementia Talk topic

need advice for mum moving in with us after marriage breakdown

(6 Posts)
tinybabysteps Mon 07-Oct-13 00:04:18

my mum is 73 and has been caring for my dad in an abusive relationship for a number of years. Suddenly yesterday she finally decided she had had enough and has walked out on him. She wants to move in with me and my husband and we are ok with this knowing how much she has had to put up with over the years, but we could use some advice on what to do next. All she has left with is an overnight bag, no money or anything just what she stands up in. We live the other side of the country and there seems to be so much to sort out. She is on medication herself and although she is fully able to look after herself at home she is not very mobile and was being visited by district nurses jointly with my dad. I am not sure how to find out what allowances, pension and suchlike she is entitled to as he kept a very tight rein on money, did all the shopping and bills and stuff so she is not financially aware. I could really use someone to talk to about the situation if anyone could help

duchesse Mon 07-Oct-13 00:09:33

I would think that your first port of call would be your local doctor's surgery to register her. Are you certain she's left for good (sounds like that would be a very good idea!)?

I would think that another first port of call would be a bank account of her own first thing tomorrow, then call the pensions agency to change her address and bank details to new bank account and your address.

Not sure about allowances, fuel payments etc... Someone else will have a better idea than me.

You might want to find classes/groups that she wants to attend as she may well want to make friends quickly and develop a social life.

Good luck! And well done to your mum for finally plucking up the courage to leave.

duchesse Mon 07-Oct-13 00:11:03

Did she bring any paperwork with her?

If not, maybe you and your DH could escort her back to pick up everything she needs? And her stuff (winter clothes etc...)

tinybabysteps Mon 07-Oct-13 00:26:00

thanks for your quick reply. She doesnt have any paperwork and doesnt know where he kept anything. She has always been very timid and afraid of him so didnt ask questions or anything. She is staying overnight with my sister who lives locally to her but is unable to look after her as she has a young family and her own business. She is supportive though as is my brother who both agree that it would be better for all if she moved right away from him. She has no friends locally and was only allowed to the newsagents around the corner and is adament that she wont go back, says she wishes she did it years ago. I must admit I was a bit surprised at how she suddenly stood up to him and I know there is more to it that she is admitting right now, I know from experience what he was capable of but she has always stood by him till now. Sister is going to get her some money out of her bank account first thing tomorrow before she comes to us and that will be one of the first things on our list as will the doctors to register her and I am assuming that they will be able to sort out her repeat medications. They were both in receipt of carers allowance so I guess that means a call to benefits agency as well, so much to do, just dont want to make a mess of anything after she has done the hard part and left

Sunnysummer Mon 07-Oct-13 02:07:47

You sound like a lovely daughter and well done to her too, good luck with all the next steps smile In the meantime, is there any way that sister's husband could go around to your father's place (with a mate or two if needed) to pick up any more of her clothes and if at all possible any paperwork - I can imagine that with someone so controlling this might be tricky or impossible, but it would really help speed up some of the changes and calls and make sure that benefits etc can be transferred as soon as possible.

It's probably not something to discuss right now, but worth keeping in mind that if she then chooses a divorce she could well be entitled to a share of pension, the house and so on.

myBOYSareBONKERS Sat 12-Oct-13 02:08:44

Does she have any bank accounts of her own? She will need one to get her pensions and benefits paid into.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now