My dad has been diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia and alzeihmers. His deterioration has been rapid over the past year, including significant personality change as well as memory loss. He is now at a stage where he can't remember where he lives and he occasionally struggles to recognise my mum. He has also had a couple of episodes recently of wandering off on his own for hours and we have had to send search parties out to find him.
My mum persuaded us (me, my husband and my sister) to go on holiday with them this week to a holiday cottage 4 hours drive away. We were sceptical about whether it was a good idea but she was quite persistent that she needed some time away (I do realise that familiar surroundings are important for people with dementia which was part of my concern). For the most part it was actually fine and there were enough of us there to keep him entertained so he didn't get too stressed or wander off.
However, they had a bit of a crisis today coming home as he reportedly kept grabbing the steering wheel - we were in a different car so I don't know exactly what happened. When my mum got home she was stressed naturally and decided that it was mine and my sister's fault that this had happened because we had "decided to come home early from the holiday". Actually, we had only agreed to stay until today and he may well have done exactly the same thing whichever day they went home.
My uncle has now got involved as he wants to sort the problem out, which is understandable as he is seeing his sister at breaking point under a lot of stress. However, he thinks the solution is for my dad to go straight into a home. He isn't aware of others options (and has no reason to know about them as he hasn't needed to or had time to look into anything else). My sister and I have been trying to suggest to my mum for a while that she arrange some kind of respite care in their own home - a (potentially live-in) carer who could be a companion for my dad if my mum wants to go out for a couple of hours (he's no longer safe to be in the house on his own) and also someone to be there at night so she can get some proper sleep.
I am feeling a whole mixture of stuff at the moment - guilt that it has built up so much for my mum, anger that when we have offered her support to get things sorted out (sitting with her to make phone calls etc) she rejects it, frustration with myself that we didn't make clearer signposts to her about the risks of going away this week (agitation at the start and end about change of scene etc) but mostly great sadness that people (including HCPs) keep talking about my dad as if he is a problem (where the only solution is locking away in a home) when actually he is a wonderful man who has become very challenging to look after because of his illness.
We had some great times this week with him playing games and walking on the beach. When he is talking to my baby daughter or playing with her he completely reverts to his old self and you could believe there was nothing wrong with him.
I'm going to phone our local dementia support worker tomorrow and hopefully chat to her about what other options there are. Is it realistic to expect other options than going into a home?
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Elderly parents
Dementia
11 replies
Witt · 27/06/2013 08:49
OP posts:
AhmedMalik ·
21/06/2022 21:11
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