Advanced search
Affected by Dementia? We have a new Talk topic specifically for Dementia, please do pop over and take a look

Visit the Dementia Talk topic

WWYD? Talk to the doctor or keep my nose out? LONG sorry

(56 Posts)
freddiemisagreatshag Thu 21-Mar-13 11:00:22

I'm worried about my mum. She is elderly. She has various health issues, including hardening of her arteries, which I am aware can lead to dementia.

My dad is still alive, they are still married, and I'm wondering if I'm over-worrying and what, if anything to do.

She is becoming increasingly forgetful. Forgets to turn the gas off. Doesn't remember arrangements for me to call round/meet for coffee and the like.

She can't work the tv, the computer, if dad died tomorrow I don't know how she'd cope.

Her driving is getting atrocious. It was never good tbh, but now she's so bad I don't like asking her to pick the kids up for me if I'm working. I try to get Dad to do it.

She gets really angry over silly things - raging mad, over something really petty.

She has inappropriate conversations, that's the only way I can describe it. Will phone and tell me she has to go now as she need to poo or she needs a pee, for example.

Her clothes look like a bag lady left them at a dustbin. No money issues, she just doesn't care.

Her behaviour in social situations is odd. For example, she dropped a fork at a restaurant, the waitress saw, went to replace it, mother said no it was fine and licked it clean, and ate her dinner with it.

Also, she makes a big joke and laugh about things that aren't really funny (hard to explain without outing myself)

Should I go and talk to the GP or should I leave my Dad to it and keep my nose out?

WynkenBlynkenandNod Tue 09-Apr-13 17:45:16

Did it go Ok at the GP's today ?

WynkenBlynkenandNod Thu 04-Apr-13 08:17:21

Ok, bed and coffee is good. Can totally relate to the aching all over but and agree that it's the stress. One thing all the professionals have been saying to me is support for me is really important so definitely be honest.

I need to see my GP on Tuesday as well to have my blood pressure taken. I got so stressed when the Tracker Nurse came to help carry out the plan of locking Mum's meds in a box for the Carer's to give her that my blood pressure went through the roof and nurse dispatched me to GP.

So learn from my mistakes and really look after yourself as best you can, however hard it is. This might mean saying no it the DC's to things they want to do which you usually would. That is ok, they will be fine. Things are going to be very different when I get home (I really don't want to go back so know things need to change). It depends on what your local branch is like but I spoke to a lovely lady at the Alzheimer's Society over the phone, she was very helpful before we'd got the diagnosis.

Freddiemisagreatshag Thu 04-Apr-13 07:55:30

Thank you for asking. Me and the dog are in bed. I have coffee. One of the dd is up and watching tv.

I ache all over. I think it's stress. Am going to be totally honest with the doc and hope it helps.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Thu 04-Apr-13 07:18:05

Morning Freddie , how are you doing ?

Freddiemisagreatshag Wed 03-Apr-13 09:20:47


WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 03-Apr-13 09:20:26

Ooops grin

Freddiemisagreatshag Wed 03-Apr-13 09:16:57

Stop rubbing it in wink

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 03-Apr-13 09:14:08

Good smile

<eyes mammoth breakfast which includes chocolate spread and ponders the fact that one could easily over do the being kind to yourself bit but then thinks sod it, am on holiday>

whattodoo Wed 03-Apr-13 09:12:34


whattodoo Wed 03-Apr-13 09:11:46

Oh Freddie I feel for you.

Have faced similar myself. You know you're doing the right thing to alert the go to the situation.

You should make sure the hospital team are told as well. Before she is discharged, she should be assessed to see if she needs support settling back at home (I think its called a reablement assessment).

If she gets a formal dementia diagnosis (which sounds likely but it may be something else such as depression?) Then your dad can apply for financial support such as reduced council tax etc. He may refuse carers at this stage, but try to encourage him to take financial help.

Speak to Alzheimer's society and/or age UK.

It's horrible to see someone you love change so much. All you can do is help them both adjust and encourage them to accept help.


Freddiemisagreatshag Wed 03-Apr-13 09:04:11

Wynken - that's a blooming good idea.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 03-Apr-13 09:02:35

Do me a favour Freddie. If you're near a shop today go and buy yourself something to sit down with this evening and spend a little bit of time on yourself. Magazine, bit of wine, chocolate, face mask - whatever it is that you would enjoy. Then sit down when you have dispatched any lurking children to bed and spend an hour on yourself.

Also, pick up the phone and arrange to see a good friend very soon for a coffee.

Freddiemisagreatshag Wed 03-Apr-13 08:57:04

Thank you all so much.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 03-Apr-13 08:55:41

Because it's a horrible thing to have to do and you know that if you're right your Mum is going to have a diagnosis you don't want her to have. It's not a done deal though, there are other things that can cause this type if behaviour.

Crying is very normal I've been told. I've stopped it for the moment, Mum's had her diagnosis for nearly 3 weeks now and we're on holiday and I've managed to enjoy myself knowing all the things in place for her now mean she's safe and happy.

Well done for making the appointments brew wine biscuit flowers ::tissue::

Freddiemisagreatshag Wed 03-Apr-13 08:44:14

I have an appointment with my gp on Tuesday.

And one at mums on Thursday next week.

Why do I feel like crying?

SinisterBuggyMonth Tue 02-Apr-13 01:18:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHoarder Mon 01-Apr-13 14:46:22

Without knowing what the op is, I'd try to bring possible dementia to the gp's attention before she goes in. General aesthetic can worsen dementia symptoms so her medical team should be forewarned. Also if her gp is canny he might be able to slip a dementia appointment in under the guise of preparation for hospital.

Hope all goes as well as possible.

whataboutbob Mon 01-Apr-13 14:29:46

You poor thing. Going ahead and seeking a diagnosis can be the hardest thing. Apart from the fact that you need the parent's cooperation to a certain extent, you also have to come face to face with the reality. I went through this 2 years ago. Now my Dad's alzheimers is a fact of life, and I cope by making the resolution that I will support him as well as I can, but not to the cost of my own physical and mental health, or my children's. That means when the time comes, we're looking at carers and then nursing home.
Having a diagnosis has been useful- the medical reports were a get out of jail card when he got massive fines for driving uninsured for instance. Dad's GP was only too happy for me to appear on the scene as he'd seen him struggling for a while. I kicked things off by writing to the GP outlining my concerns, then attending Dad's next visit with him. And also getting Power of Attorney- it's an open sesame when you are dealing with banks, pension people, in fact any official body.
PS I stopped eating anything he cooks a while ago. Sad but true. I just can't risk the gastroenteritis.

Freddiemisagreatshag Mon 01-Apr-13 10:56:32

Thank you all. I'm nearly crying you're all that kind. I keep going over yesterday and I KNOW she's not right.

We were at the table having a conversation and my dad said "They went there yesterday" and 10 seconds later she turned to me and said "they went there yesterday" and dad said "I just said that" she then totally went off on one and ended up totally over reacting and fuming so much she was spitting in rage and making mocking gestures and giving him the finger when he walked away.

(I know how odd that sounds)

She also gave all the grandkids money for Easter. She was talking to one of the younger ones on the phone and said "go and get yourself a chocolate egg". I could hear her end of the convo, not the child, but then mum said "well you have to have chocolate at easter that's the rules" "oh right well get something else"

The child is 7, she's lactose intolerant, always has been and mum KNOWS she can't have chocolate. Or at least, she used to know. I have a DD who is intolerant as well, and the money started once she was born.

weegiemum Mon 01-Apr-13 10:52:04

Freddie - make an appointment in your mums name, and attend to say what you want to. He/she can't comment but they will definitely note what you say!

Freddiemisagreatshag Mon 01-Apr-13 10:48:58

We now attend different GP practices, but her GP is my old GP. I would rather talk to them because they know her and me. And if I talk to MY GP they won't know her so they can't do anything can they?

DowntonTrout Mon 01-Apr-13 10:45:41

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My mums DP masked her dementia for about 5 years. He made her get up, bathed, put her clothes out etc etc. he dealt with everything and she appeared, well, while not normal, a bit vague and forgetful.

When he died suddenly last year, it was apparent he had done everything for her and that she wasn't capable of making a cup of tea. She actually needs full time care. But he was a proud man and would not accept any outside help at the time. It actually prevented mum from getting the help she needed and the strain, I believe, contributed to his death. All the things you describe are markers for dementia but the thing to remember is people get very good at hiding their symptoms, especially when they have someone around to mask how bad things are. Your mum will not tell the doctor about her problems because she won't know and she may be confused and angry.

I would try and speak to her GP about your concerns. They cannot talk to you about her but they can listen, and maybe find a way of doing a preliminary test on her alongside a "normal" check up.

Freddiemisagreatshag Mon 01-Apr-13 10:40:28

Thank you weegie and mrdrweegie <want a sad smile emoticon>

weegiemum Mon 01-Apr-13 10:39:45

I just ran. Your OP past my dh (GP).

He said see local GP, without telling her if you need to. They can't tell you anything about your mum, but they will listen and take what you say very seriously - he said most GPs would love a family member to comment on this issue! Sadly, most don't!

Freddiemisagreatshag Mon 01-Apr-13 10:35:30

I feel so sad.

Really really sad. And tired. And I don't want to do this bit of it anymore. I don't want it like this. I want it how it used to be. And that's silly. I am not 5 my daddy can't fix this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now