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(8 Posts)
gremlindolphin Thu 13-Oct-11 21:55:53

Just wanted to say hi, I wish this topic had been around before.

My Mum was taken ill over a year ago and the past year has been a process of her and us adjusting to the change in her circumstances from a independent person to someone who needs help with everything. She has still not come to terms with this.

She is in a nursing home near to us but desperately unhappy and talks all the time of when she can come and live with me which is not going to be possible. She is completely paralysed down one side and needs help to do absolutely everything. My dcs adore her and we include her in our life as much as possible, I have been trained to get her in the car, on the comode etc and I see her nearly everyday, we spend one whole day together in the week and she usually comes to us one day at the weekend but it is not enough for her! The Nursing Home is lovely, she has her own friends coming to visit her as well.

I just want her to be be happy and be able to live and enjoy what she has now. What has happened to her is horrible and I so understand her frustration but I am finding the constant unhappiness a struggle.

groak Thu 13-Oct-11 22:05:31

I have no experience if this personally, as my parents are (touch wood, fingers crossed etc) in very good health, BUT, I used to work in a residential home and the constant assistance some residents needed seemed exhausting, and that was for a team of carers.

Your mum not coming to terms with her needing constant help obviously won't go away iff she moved in with you, but I suspect your mum may feel more 'at ease' that it is her daughter, not carers, taking on such personal tasks... but that would be a short term answer to a long term problem, you would be exhausted and unless you were nearly superwoman it would be likely to change your relationship with your mum because you would be patient and carer not just mother and daughter..

Your mum has caring staff taking on the donkey work so you get to keep the mother daughter bond and time, if friends are visiting then lonliness is not the main issue, but quite often residents where I worked found the shift of living in your own property pottering about doing your own thing to being n a residential home with your own room and your daily routine seeming like it was a service provided to you hard, and I can only hope that your encouragement helps your mum to see she's safe and loved.. smile

ssd Fri 14-Oct-11 09:36:25

op, are you able to tell your mum a bit of how you feel? or can you discuss this with the matron of the care home and try to get a bit more help for your mum?

it sounds like your mum has started to rely on you too much, whic she probably doesnt even know she's doing. Has she got a care package within the home (sorry i have no experience of homes), maybe it could be increased?

I would ask if you have any siblings to share the load with, but IME having unsupportive siblings sometimes just increases the laod...........

keep posting, there are bound to be others in your position out there who could offer better advice than me, just didnt want you to feel ignored or alone

gremlindolphin Fri 14-Oct-11 10:39:58

Thanks for your responses!

Groak, you have just put into words things I had been thinking although I hadn't thought of how the daily routine might feel like a service - interesting.

ssd - can't really talk to Mum at the moment as she is very depressed (and has always been a bit emotionally manipulative!) and it just ends in tears and us both feeling worse.

The Matron and staff are great and are good supports to me and Mum in different ways.

No siblings! Small but close family, aunt, cousins etc who all come and see her when they can but ultimate responsibility falls on me and my family. I often think another sibling would be great but as you say, listening to some friends, they are more of a hindrance!

Off to see her for a coffee now. x

ssd Fri 14-Oct-11 11:07:26

hi again, sounds like you have thought of most things

the main thing for you is probably the emotional pull, and it sounds like your mum has history there.............

not much advice, however all I can say is try to look after yourself and dont automatically put yourself last...........

whats happened to your mum is tragic, but you've done the best you can for her and she needs to be in a home, not living with you

try to get a bit of a distance emotionally if you can, even if its just in your head and see that theres nothing more you can do

also hate to say it but as out parents get older they can become more self centred and they forget the everyday things we have to cope with as well as coping with them. I ran myself into the ground before I came to terms with this, hope you dont fall into the same boat op.

twentyten Tue 18-Oct-11 22:20:24

Hello just wanted to say hi and don't feel guilty. You have to look after yourself too. Thinking of you.

gremlindolphin Wed 19-Oct-11 09:17:58

Thank you twentyten!

Are you in a similar situation?


gremlindolphin Tue 25-Oct-11 19:37:46

Mum has had her electric wheelchair delivered today! She was fab driving it and I am hoping it will give her some independence ie she can go and collect her post, leave the dining table when she wants to, go and see what is happening in the communal rooms etc. She is not quite so enthusiastic!!

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