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Advice please - 3yr old sent to heads office

(96 Posts)
redberry Fri 15-Jul-05 23:23:57

Advice needed please. Ds2 is due to start school in Sept.

During his taster session yesterday the teaching assistant took him off a trike after he squabbled with another child over it. Ds2 stamped on her foot, pinched her & winded her!!

It all escalated from there as they tried to make him apologise. Teacher took him to the head. DS1 said he saw him sat outside the office with his head on his knees.

Now, I fully understand that what he did was wrong and apologised profusely to the assistant myself. I tried to explain that this was totally out of character - normally he's a gorgeous cheerful, occasionally naughty child, just an average 3 yr old!

Now I feel like he's marked his card already for that school and he hasn't even turned 4 yet!

Hate to think of my little boy sat outside the heads office - Ds1 said he looked "scared"

Anyone think the school handled it badly? Or is this a totally justified and necessary reaction by the school?

colditz Fri 15-Jul-05 23:27:11

No, I think this is justified. he may be a very sweet little boy most of the time, but I do feel that they treated him according to the behavior he displayed.

However, i would be surprised if he has "marked his card" and if they do treat him differently I would say that isn't fair.

ScummyMummy Fri 15-Jul-05 23:30:15

I'd have expected a call to take him home maybe. Sounds like he wasn't ready for this big day. Did the head sort things out ok though?

chipmonkey Fri 15-Jul-05 23:45:32

Sorry but I think that's OTT! He's 3! I can't believe they did that to him, sounds like the teacher could have handled it better.

redberry Fri 15-Jul-05 23:45:51

Teacher said he still didnt apologise. Havent talked to head yet.

Talked to ds2 about behaviour, didnt really seem to grasp that he'd been naughty, just mumbled something about wanting to go on the trike. Sounds like he had a temper tantrum as she took him off the trike and lashed out. Later on he agreed to apologise to the teaching assistant when he sees her again.

Grounded him for the day, big deal for him as he loves playing out, also no treats for rest of day.

handlemecarefully Fri 15-Jul-05 23:49:10

Ditto Colditz's post.

Good that he apologised. Bless him. To err is toddler.

spidermama Fri 15-Jul-05 23:51:44

I think they should've had a talk with him and told him to apologise to the girl.
Sending a 3-year old to the head during a taster session .

I'd need a long talk with the school.

Socci Fri 15-Jul-05 23:52:29

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully Fri 15-Jul-05 23:57:54

I've got a 3 year old Socci (fgs! ). I would have been happy for her to be spoken to by the Head. I doubt they applied thumbscrews...

handlemecarefully Sat 16-Jul-05 00:01:35

Sorry forgot to add a after my post (so it sounds more like gentle leg pulling than outright sarcasm!)

Socci Sat 16-Jul-05 00:01:42

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully Sat 16-Jul-05 00:06:06

Do you think?

I sometimes wonder if I expect too much of my 3 year old (and she is only just 3)...but I am confident (perhaps misguidedly?) that she appreciates that having a tantrum and hitting out is wrong. Not saying that she doesn't do that sort of thing occasionally (it has been known!) - just that if / when she does do this, she appears to understand that she has crossed a line...

handlemecarefully Sat 16-Jul-05 00:06:57

Wondering if I expect too much 'adult' behaviour / reaction / responses from small children...

bee3 Sat 16-Jul-05 00:08:53

I can only suppose they were following through with the behavioural policy that they would apply under normal classroom circumstances. Lots of schools have a 'zero-tolerance' policy for physical retaliation on other children and adults, even in Nurseries and Reception classes.

From what you've said he stamped on her foot, pinched her and 'winded' her, which presumably means a punch/headbutt/hit in the stomach, all of which under any normal circumstances would be considered a fairly major incident (and if it was part way through the Reception year, even as a 4 year old, he could have been suspended for that type behaviour).

I think you do need to talk to the Head. Explain that you felt their actions were over the top, considering it was a settling visit. Ask about strategies that they will use if he exhibits similar behaviour again, and how you can support them and your son in positively managing any potential difficulties. He really needs to have a much more positive start after that unfortunate experience, and the school should be thinking hard about how to support him in his first few days/weeks in September.

Moomin Sat 16-Jul-05 00:12:24

I'd support the school if it was my 3yo. She's old enough even at this age to know that this type of behaviour is not acceptable. The Head would hardly been giving him a major bollocking - more like explaining firmly what's expected at school. Also sets an example for the others. I'd be surprised though if it's 'marked his card'. If he comes back in Sept his normal cheerful self, the teacher will only be too glad to get to know that side of him. Maybe it was all a bit much for him.

redberry Sat 16-Jul-05 00:28:22

I expect good behaviour from ds2 and usually get it. He's not one to throw a fit around the shops, he knows when I say "no" I mean it. He does tantrum occassionally at home but snaps out of it within a minute if he's left alone. I dont think he's a particularly difficult child.

I think the whole situation of being in school for the 1st time has left him feeling pretty out of control and that could be why he's lashed out. He's a stubborn little thing and I'm not surprised he didnt apologise, the more they've asked him to the more he's dug his heels in.

Obviously he needed to be told that this wasnt acceptable behaviour, but I feel I should have been informed immediately and given the opportunity to be with him in the heads office, instead of being surrounded by unfamiliar faces in an unfamiliar environment. I'm sure she didnt shout at him but even so its a frightening situation for a child to be in.

colditz Sat 16-Jul-05 00:32:55

It is a frightening situation for a child to be in, but (excuse me while I get flamed for this one)....

I think that is the point! He behaved really badly. If they hadn't given him a good fright about that, he may go back to school thinking he can hit the teachers. They want to stop it now, so he can get on with being the little angel I am sure he usually is.

Moomin Sat 16-Jul-05 00:35:56

but unformtunately, being a 'stubborn little thing' at school, nursery or otherwise, is not going to endear him to many. I'm not having a go here, I promise - I understand you are upset, but I spose at the end of the day, school is about conforming and fitting in. His taster day will have been exactly that - a taste of things to come, so I guess the school felt he needed to know what was acceptable and what was not. It would be good if schools had the time to call aprents in whenever their kids rocked the boat but they had to act there and then and nip it in the bud. He has to learn from them and from you of course that this sort of behaviour will be seen as intolerbale at school. Maybe put yourself in the other child's parent's shoes. What would you like to have seen being done if your child had been treated in this way by another child? It's a difficult one, I know.

Moomin Sat 16-Jul-05 00:36:48

please excuse appalling typos. should have been in bed ages ago...

colditz Sat 16-Jul-05 00:38:49

Also in my opinion, calling you in would have been the wrong thing to do anyway. Seeing you would have been a reward for misbehaving.

assumedname Sat 16-Jul-05 00:39:02

OTT to treat a 3 year old this way, especially at a 'taster' session.

What if he's too scared to want to go back to school?

Think the teacher handled it badly.

Moomin Sat 16-Jul-05 00:42:32

sorry if this sounds uppity but what on earth should the teacher have done? have any of those posters who have said this about the teacher actually been in that position? Teachers aren't perfect by any means (I should know!) but let's just imagine the following thread:
"My dd went for a taster day at nursery school and was stamped on, pinched and winded by another child. The teacher did f*ck all that I can see. Now she's terrified of going back in Sept. What should I do?"

colditz Sat 16-Jul-05 00:44:48

I don't think it was an OTT reaction. OTT would be to call the police and have him done for assault (and he did assault that other child).

It was a schools reaction to a schools problem. I think they dealt with it well.

redberry Sat 16-Jul-05 00:46:18

Just to clarify (not excuse) He hit etc the 40 odd yr old teaching assistant not another child, as she took him off the trike.

assumedname Sat 16-Jul-05 00:48:20

If all the head did was give him a 'talking-to', then why couldn't the teacher do it?

I think it makes the teacher look weak.

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