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Is this bullying??

(17 Posts)
TinyGang Thu 14-Jul-05 17:48:16

Dd (6yrs and in yr1) has some good friends at school and has not experienced bullying. The odd falling out here and there or 'so and so didn't play with me today', but on the whole has made a few good friends and is settled and happy at school.

Today she has come home rather upset. It seems a big game got going at playtime today involving most of her class. From what she tells me they all sort of turned on heralthough I can't think why.

Reading between the lines I think it was probably some teasing and name calling which got out of hand and everyone joined in, probably because they were getting a reaction and could see she was upset. Also, I know that human nature will mean others join in in these situations to deflect it happeneing to them.

She is mortified and terribly upset though, especially as as couple of her very good friends were joining in too.(I am sure that nothing like this has happened before to her there, btw.) She feels quite betrayed by them I think; although I suspect it just got out of hand - they usually seem nice enough kids and she has fun with them. She is a sensitive and loyal soul though and wouldn't do this, so behaviour like this from a friend (or anyone) is hard for her to understand. She says she even asked a couple to back her up and they ignored her

Resisting the urge to go and scrag the lot of them, I realise I must tread carefully here.

She happens to have the day off from school tomorrow; I certainly would have mentioned it to the teacher had been in. Shall I say something on Monday anyway (risking stirring it all up again), or see how it goes? She is of course concerned it'll happen again and specifically said she didn't want to go to school. As I say, this hasn't happened before - nothing like it. I'll happily wade in in her defense, but I want to choose the right moment if it's necessary, for maximum impact!

TinyGang Thu 14-Jul-05 19:01:18


nutcracker Thu 14-Jul-05 19:20:49

Blimey, your poor Dd.

Seeing as you cannot bring it up straight away, i think I would leave it unless your Dd still seems upset by it on Monday morning.

Definatly take it further if it happens again though.

TinyGang Thu 14-Jul-05 20:55:52

Thanks nutcracker - any other advice? Anyone else been here before? I'd be grateful for any input.

saadia Thu 14-Jul-05 21:47:01

I would just mention it to the teacher if I were you, just so that s/he is aware of what's happened. Just say that your dd was upset by this and then let her decide if anything else should be done.

popmum Thu 14-Jul-05 22:31:05

I don't have a child of that age, but what struck me was that you must have a good relationship with your child for her to tell you all about what happened - i'd be careful about doing too much about it though - from my own childhood, my parents refused to get involved in kids arguements (ie wouldn't go round to friends houses and start arguing with other parents) on the basis that these things do tend to blow over. However as she is young, i think I would probably mention it to teacher so they can keep an eye on it.
I would advise her to simply rise above it - move on, forgive and forget and it will soon blow over.

redberry Fri 15-Jul-05 21:08:22

Just a note of caution - if you think children in Yr 1 are too young to gang up and bully you are mistaken.

My ds1 was bullied for months when he was in yr 1. I even witnessed it when it had just started but thought it must be a one-off.

Boys in his class used to cover their ears when he talked and shout "not listening"- or quietly ignore him if a teacher was present. They made him sit on table behind at lunch, then he had to sit with his back to them whilst on another table - all with the promise that if he did as he was told he could join them next time -he never could.

Completely shattered his self confidence, he had always been really happy & friendly and eager to have friends. At the start of yr1 he used to run up to chat to the other kids lining up to start the day. By the end of the year he slunk quietly to the end of the line & talked to no-one.

Cried himself to sleep every night - me too. Should have moved him to another school - still regretting that now.

Would just advise you to keep communicating with your dd, take her seriously and take action quite quickly if necessary.

marthamoo Fri 15-Jul-05 21:17:49

That is horrendous, redberry

Good advice though for TinyGang - hopefully it's a one-off, but I would keep listening to your dd and step in at the first sign of escalation.

Socci Fri 15-Jul-05 21:18:19

Message withdrawn

Socci Fri 15-Jul-05 21:22:22

Message withdrawn

redberry Fri 15-Jul-05 22:00:39

Glad to have got that off my chest!! Ds1 is in Yr 4 now - took a while but his confidence has returned although he's changed. Unfortunately my confidence in the school never has.

Feeling incredibly anxious at the mo as ds2 is due to start school in Sept. Had awful incidence at his taster session yesterday - squabbled over trike with another child, teaching assist. intervened and took him off the trike. Apparently he stamped on her foot, pinched her & winded her!!

It all escalated from there as they tried to make him apologise. Teacher took him to the head. DS1 said he saw him sat outside the office with his head on his knees.

Now, I fully understand that what he did was wrong and apologised profusely to the assistant myself. I tried to explain that this was totally out of character - normally he's a gorgeous cheerful, occasionally naughty child, just an average 3 yr old!

Now feel tearful all the time, feel like he's marked his card already for that school and he hasn't even turned 4 yet!

Hate to think of my little boy sat outside the heads office - Ds1 said he looked "scared"

FrenchGirl Fri 15-Jul-05 22:12:26

TinyGang, what your dd experienced is exactly what happened to me when I was about 8 (only difference is it was during sports day). Everyone suddenly ganged up on me, apart from one friend, who eventually joined the others. I never knew why. As far as I remember things were back to normal the following day. I never told my parents, and somehow got over it and life went back to normal at school. I was never bullied before or after that incident. It's weird.
It's great your dd told you, she must feel confused about the whole thing. Reassure her that it probably won't happen again, that her true friends are still there, but that people can be silly and cruel without really meaning it. And keep an eye on things. She's nearly on hols now, make sure she invites a friend or two over soon and see how that goes.
Good luck and hugs to your dd

unicorn Fri 15-Jul-05 22:50:53

Redberry that is just awful...

I would have serious doubts about that school... ffs you ds is 3 and was on a 'taster' session at his new school...great introduction on their behalf.

I would be - bl**dy furious actually- if they sent a 3 year old to see the head...
what the hell has the world come too?

as the mother of a 6 yr old dd (and 3yr old ds!) I know these things are upsetting, and it is probably worth mentioning to the teacher,anything is, if your dd is genuinely bothered.

unicorn Fri 15-Jul-05 22:54:40


I realy cannot believe they did that Redberry...

I would start another thread for opinions, I think the school behaved dreadfully.

Dahlia Fri 15-Jul-05 22:57:35

tinygang, big hugs to your dd. I would definitely have a quiet word with the teacher, so she can keep an eye on things. My dd has had similar situations albeit from smaller groups of girls, and its very upsetting, but usually blows over very quickly.

redberry Fri 15-Jul-05 23:09:11

Unicorn - I rang another school today to see if they had spaces for ds1 & 2. Could take ds2 into reception but no space for ds1, feel really disappointed - thought it would solve everything. Now only option is to talk to teacher & head.

I think they should have rang me and asked me to come in to school before they sent him to the head, he doesnt know these people from Adam & must have felt really cornered. I think I will start a new thread - sorry for hijacking your thread tinygang! I hope everything returns back to normal for your dd next week.

TinyGang Sat 16-Jul-05 10:55:55

Thank you all for your lovely supportive advice -I thought my thread had sunk without trace, checked on it later and found all these great replies!

Anyway, I did have a quiet word with the teacher and she is going to keep a close eye on it all and have a special class 'circle time' chat - naming no names - about playing nicely. Also, she will alert the playground staff to keep a close eye at playtime. We both feel that it was a horrible game that just got out of control, although obviously we both will be on the alert in case it happens again. Dd is reassured because I have taken some action, and seems happier if a bit shaken by it As you say - hopefully it will just blow over now, and we break up soon anyway. She will see one or two of them over the holidays - we had planned this anyway, that will help to settle her mind further.

Tbh I do not think the children realised they had upset dd to this extent (they are all ususally fine with each other). She didn't cry, didn't tell the teacher - just bottled it up until she saw me; I used to be just the same at school, so I can understand her reaction. I was always worried my mum was going to march up to school and make things worse though if anything happened, so I used to worry about telling her too!. You have to tread a fine line I think.

Redberry - you didn't highjack my thread. This is the place to voice your worries - it's a big help. Your ds1 sounds like he was horribly treated, I'm so sorry. And now you're worried about ds2 - but 3 is so young - is that nursery or 'big' school? Either way it's a big step and he reacted to it. I see you have a thread on this, so I'll post on there for you

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