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broken hearted at mo, please tell me if im being selfish?

(13 Posts)
distressedmother Thu 10-Mar-05 11:13:37

hiding under another name, not because im ashamed just dont want anyone who may know me checking out my other posts.

ok well its a long story. ds is 8 this year. he used to go to our local school (only for a few months when he was four). i had been in my full time job for years and i suddenly didnt have any childcare. i had to move him to another school, i had no choice, i needed to work and could only get childcare in the area of the other school. i must have cried for three weeks solid but it worked out fine. his grandparents lived by the other school and i had plans of moving down there too.

now everything has changed. i am not with the partner i would have been moving down there with, i have another child (a baby) and my parents have moved up here around the corner from me. now i know for sure that i will not be moving closer to that school in the next three years and there is no way ds will be able to attend the same secondary school as his friends. (its even further away). someone commented that it would perhaps be better to move him back to our local school sooner rather than later so he can make friends and have people he knows to go to our local secondary school with. i dismissed the idea straight away as i dont want to keep pushing him around. the childminder he currently has told me also that she is giving up minding. thats not too much of a problem, i have a new part time job and he could go to the after school group.

the more i think about it however, the more it makes sense to move him.

he would be back at a school 5 mins from our house.
i wouldnt have to rely on my mother to take him every morning (i dont drive), she would be able to get to work earlier and leave earlier. good because she works too much and needs a rest (she says she doesnt mind but that isnt the point).
he wouldnt need childcare, i could pick him up two days and his grandad would pick him up the other three (he adores grandad). (money isnt a problem but he would like to go to grandads house more than a childminder or after school club).
when he started secondary he would be going up with friends, not totally alone.
it would be easier for me to get to work in the morning now i cant get away with such flexible hours.

i had made up my mind in the last few days that this was for the best. i put it to ds and he seemed fine with it, for a gentle child hes as hard as nails underneath. i thought that it would benefit him in the long run (this was my main reason) the other things would just be a bonus really. where education is concerned i dont think there is too much difference between the schools, ive heard good and bad things about both. i phoned the local school, they are happy to have him back. i then phoned his current school and by the end of the conversation with the secretary i was in tears. (oh dear, starting again now). she said they would be very sad to lose him and tried to help offering me alternatives. i know she is going to say this as they obviously dont want to lose children. i assured her it was nothing to do with the standards of the school but that i thought it would be in his best interests in the end.

i came away from the phone feeling like the most awful mum in the world.

its breaking my heart. just like it did three years ago. i dont know what to do now. am i being selfish to move him? or am i being selfish keeping him there?

he makes friends easily and at the local school, there are people he already knows and live near. he wouldnt be short of friends. i know he would be fine...i just cant help feeling so guilty.

sorry im rambling but im quite upset!

marialuisa Thu 10-Mar-05 11:19:32

Given the way things are likely to pan out in the future, I think you should take the plunge and move him now. I think the guilt is inevitable, but once he is settled you'll get over it. My dbro starts a new school today, his 5th school in 2 years!

Carla Thu 10-Mar-05 11:20:05

You're not being selfish, you're being a kind, caring, thoughtful mother. Given the circumstances, I'd move him back. Was it just the school secretary that put the dampeners on it for you? You seemed so sure before you spoke to her.

distressedmother Thu 10-Mar-05 11:23:40

it was. shes a nice woman, she wasnt nasty but im feeling so bad right now. i havent cried so much for a long time. i dont want to hurt my son. i want the best for him but am doubting myself now.

Copper Thu 10-Mar-05 11:24:20

Move him - it's a sensble idea for all sorts of very good reasons, you have thought about it very carefully and he is happy with the idea. You both sound so lovely that no wonder they don't want to lose you - but we think you ought to go!

helsy Thu 10-Mar-05 11:24:54

Sounds like you're doing what's best for everyone. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Children are resilient(you've said he's quite tough), he's going somewhere he knows people, closer to home, he's already been there before, he won't need after school care (is that right?)and - big advantage this - he'll know people at his secondary school.
You've weighed up all the pros and cons. It sounds like the school he's at now is great, but the one he's going to will be too I'm sure

Copper Thu 10-Mar-05 11:29:03

That was a bit flippant of me - I wrote it at the same time as you. Be a bit sad at leaving his current school because it has been good and he has enjoyed it: but there will be good times at the new school too, and it will allow him much more time to be himself - which he will need as he gets that bit older. And come Year 6 he could bring himself home to get a bit of experience of independence before Year 7 and secondary school.

Don't worry. All school secretaries are bound to stick up for their institution, it's their territory. He will be fine, and he will benefit from moving closer to home.

distressedmother Thu 10-Mar-05 11:40:22

dont worry copper, didnt think you were being flippant at all. its so hard going by guess work and looking to the future when i dont know for sure what the future holds. but looking at it logically, the only way i would be able to move down there is if i met someone and we went joint on a theres not much likelyhood that it will happen. i have to base it on what i have now..just me and the kids. i cant live in hope that something will come along and solve it all, thats just not practical. as it stands right now, i am purely responsible for ds and dd and this is the best idea. so why am i still crying?

bathmummy Thu 10-Mar-05 11:48:39

The fact that you are so upset over this shows how much you care. As an ex teacher who has seen loads of children come and go during an academic year, suggest you do it sooner rather than later as you had planned. If you do this at Easter, for example, he will have a full term to make friends enough to meet up in the holidays. If you leave it until September it could be harder for him as he could spend the full summer waiting and wondering what it will be like. If there are any local footie groups or other sports activities to help him make local friends this could help settle him in.
You never know, he could be happily settled within a week of moving. Chin up - you are doing it for his best interests

distressedmother Thu 10-Mar-05 11:56:08

right now i feel like "just leave him there" let it all roll on as normal. its not impossible to leave him there but it would be so much better to move him in my opinion. i know really i have around two years to move him..but surely then it still wouldnt be any easier?

bathmummy Thu 10-Mar-05 12:00:06

If he is going to have to move eventually anyway look at the timespan and think when it would be best. Without knowing the schools or all your circumstances, I would say that my gut reaction would be to move sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it the stronger all his friendships will be developing and possibly make it harder for him.

distressedmother Thu 10-Mar-05 12:03:48

i know youre right. he will have to move, theres no doubt about it. at least a year before secondary if i want him to go to secondary with friends and not alone.

Berries Thu 10-Mar-05 14:33:26

In general, I am quite anti changing schools for kids (for personal reasons) but in this case I think it looks like by far the best option. I would move him either just before or at Easter (just before so he won't have to spend his Easter holidays wondering what it's like). It will be far easier doing it now rather than when he goes to high school. I moved 2 months before I went to High school and hated it, but that was largely because I hadn't had time to get settled into the new school before I had to move to high school. If he doesn't have to go to after-school that means you have time to have friends to play after school so you can help ease the friendships along a bit. You obviously care for him a lot, so don't get too down about it. BTW one of my friends kids had a t-shirt from her previous school where all the kids wrote their names on, she loved it as a momento.

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