It's parent's evening today, and I'm worried about DD. Advice would be hugely appreciated...

[TheMoistWorldOfSquelchedBrains]

DD has never found school easy. She's very shy, tends to fall into very toxic relationships with stronger characters, and finds the whole business of reading / writing /numbers enormously difficult.

She's now in year 2. After a completely crap year 1 (mainly due to a teacher who seemed to have completely lost interest), we had high hopes for year 2. She now has a very sparky, dynamic new teacher who is new to the school and was considered an excellent appointment.

After a pretty good start, DD has become increasingly negative about her new teacher. She keeps telling me that the work is hard and boring, and that the class have been told that they're "big children now", so can't ask for help So DD tends to flounder around suffering in silence, and is gradually losing even more confidence.

She also complains that the teacher is strict, and that she keeps being told off - but doesn't really understand what for.

On Friday, the class were split into groups to go off to other classes to do various activities. DD says her name wasn't called (although she was sitting next to some boys who were making a lot of noise, so thinks she may have just not heard) and so she didn't know which group she was meant to be in. She was too scared to ask the teacher, so ended up going to the toilet & spent the whole session sitting in a cubicle by herself crying

She says that the teacher doesn't like her, she only likes the children who do nice writing and can read properly

So, I clearly need to put all this tactfully to the teacher this afternoon. But how should I be asking her to address this? And what if it puts her off DD (and me!) even more?

[TheMoistWorldOfSquelchedBrains]

Oh, and she's asked me not to mention Friday's incident to the teacher today, as she's scared of the repercussions

[TheMoistWorldOfSquelchedBrains]

Yes exactly - how could no one notice?

But yes, you're right, her take on things is never going to be an entirely objective! But there is something going on and she's very unhappy - which is hard.

[Niecie]

I totally sympathise with you on this. My DS1 had an awful year last year (YR3) and had a teacher who seemed only interested in the 'goody two shoes type'. I don't think he made any progress and I completely understand the need to get it right this year.

If I were you, I would let the teacher say what she needs to say first. You might get a feel for how she really sees your DD. Then I woul explain what happened on Friday afternoon, in non-accusatory tones and say that your DD had the wrong end of the stick and thinks she can't ask for help. Don't make the teacher out to be the bad guy, just put the problems down to a break down in communication.

Then you have to decide how you are going to sort it out between you.

We have parents evening this evening and I also think DS is going to have problems this year, not the same as yours but because he has a newly qualified teacher and frankly she seems scatty and with DS's scattiness, I can see nothing getting done!

[Eniddo]

this sounds a bit like my dd1 and loads of the stuff she told me was comoplete bolleaux I am afraid to say (sorry dd1)

however, she WAS finding it a struggle and was crap at being independent

I am afraid to say we used a private tutor to improve her reading to the point where she felt more confident

I did speak to the teacher and say 'look I realise dd1 needs to learn to be more independent but she isnt at the moment,s he is hopeless but we are working on her needing to take more responsibility, if you can just run through with me what is expected of her then I can reinforce'

[Blandmum]

What Enid sez.

What do they want your dd to be able to do?

How do they intend to get her to be able to do it?

What can you do to help?

'Teacher doesn't like me' is probably a load of cobblers

[Eniddo]

imho, teachers just never like quiet sensitive girls, they just get overlooked

as my mate says, school is great as long as you are just like everyone else

[Eniddo]

it probably is mb

but I must say shy girls are a bit fucked as far as state education goes

noisy boys and brash girls do v well (imvho)

[Blandmum]

I think teachers love quiet , sensitive girls. Trouble is, they are busy 'fire fighting' with the not quiet/sensitive ones so mucy the 'easy' kids often don't get a fair go.

[Blandmum]

I hate grils too.

Bastards the lot of them!!!

Can never trust a gril, you can tell from the moment they sidle into the classroom!

[Eniddo]

malory and mb you know I would pay extortionate money to have my dd1 taught by you

[TheMoistWorldOfSquelchedBrains]

Thanks Enid, MB - this is really helpful

[TheMoistWorldOfSquelchedBrains]

She gets "lost" in the class. Year 1 teacher said to me "well, I don't really know DD because she never comes & talks to me..."

[Eniddo]

yy moist I feel your pain

if you have the time and inclination then try and find out what dd1 would really like to be better at (handwriting? reading?) and do some little workbooks with her after school, work at it together and really praise her etc - will help her confidence

[asdmumandteacher]

Oh contraire - I think teacher LOVE quiet sensitive girls (I know i do!) It loud and brash boys teachers dislike ...in fact boys in general don't really fit into todays education system IMO and IME - as mum of 2 boys

[ListersSister]

Just hi-jacking this thread for a moment, as there seem to be so many lovely teachers here - what do you advise for these sensitive, well behaved children? Is there a way of making sure their needs get met if the teacher is having to deal with behaviour problems or brash types most of the time?

[OrmIrian]

Well it differs from teacher to teacher. I've known teachers fall in love with my boys. And teachers who think they sun shines out of DDs bottom but struggled with my older boy.

The best ones are the ones who don't do either of the above but remain sensibly detached and make them work! Like DS#1's teacher in yr 6 - I love that woman!

[ListersSister]

Moist (may I call you that - it sounds very personal!) - I know where you are coming from. I felt that neither of my dd's last two teachers have 'got' her, and she has been lost in the crowd. Her teacher this year seems much more interested iykwim, so I do feel better about that.

You describe your dd's teacher as dynamic - that has got to be a good thing. I suspect a lot of teachers come out of the first parent's evening with new pointers to look for with children and new information to absorb.

I would be honest and tell her that your dd doesn't find it easy and she isn't feeling happy, and ask how the teacher can help with that. Maybe share how you help your dd at home with things that she finds tough (ie gentle approach, seting her a challenge, being tough etc). Let her know your dd needs help asserting herself so she can keep a look out for it. Good teachers are very happy to receive this information, as they don't want to let any of their children down.

I WOULD tell the teacher about the toilet issue - or at least ask if it is possible that it happened. If it did, then they need to make sure it can't happen again - what if she has slipped and banged her head - no-one would have known. If it didn't happen, but your dd felt that she had spent the whole time in the loo then that is important too - it shows she does need some more support from her teacher. I would have thought the teacher wold be fine about not talking about it with your dd if she thought it would make her feel bad, but it might need to be said to the whole class that if a child finds themselves in that situation, then they should go to the office, or whatever.

Try not to fret about it too much - you both want the same thing. Lastly, is your dd's hearing ok? - I just ask because my dd has just had grommets after years of poor hearing. The classroom can be a difficult environment if she is having ear problems and it can be very alienating if she is not getting the information and feedback everyone else is getting.

Best of luck with it

[hotcrosswerebunny]

Is there any chance you could volunteer to go in and help? Then you'd be able to see what the problem is/if there is an actual problem.

Otherwise, I'd try some of the suggestions below...

[TheMoistWorldOfSquelchedBrains]

Thanks everyone. I really appeciate your advice.

What doesn't help is the lack of time that I have to support her schooling, & work with her on confidence etc. I am a single parent, and have no choice but to work full time. That means I can only pick her up from school one day a week - and we tend to have an awful lot to cram in on that one day, plus having friends for tea and so on. The other days she is collected by grand parents or after school club & I don't get to sit down with her at home until about 6pm - then it's dinner, bath, and hopefully some fun too.

I feel very guilty about this and I know it's contributing to, or even causing, some of the problems she has at school and socially . But can't see a way of changing it at the moment.

[Eniddo]

please dont worry

I was a sahm when dd1 was at her worst and it was no help whatsoever tbh