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(soapbox moment) I totally disagree with the sentence "what happens at school stays at school"

(17 Posts)
emkana Mon 13-Oct-08 20:35:38

I think it's vital that parents support the disciplinary measures taken by the school to deal with bad behaviour, and that they show their disapproval and displeasure at bad behaviour displayed by the child. Additionally I would personally use a reward style system to motivate the child to behave better.

And I say this as a former teacher myself.
And I was motivated to start this thread today because there is a boy in dd2's Year 1 class who is very silly in class and the mother leaves it entirely to the school to deal with it.

spudmasher Mon 13-Oct-08 20:38:59

Parental support is vital but I do not believe in punishing a child twice.
If the school has dished out a punishment then the parent should just say 'good ' and leave it there. If the school and the parent have agreed on some sort of home/school punishment system as an added incentive then fine but I would much rather go for a more positive home/school reward system when good behaviour is displayed.

herbietea Mon 13-Oct-08 20:40:01

Message withdrawn

mehgalegs Mon 13-Oct-08 20:42:00

I agree with you too although recently my problem has been that one of my boys has been hurt at school by several other children (more than once) and I have only heard about it from another parent not even involved.

RustyBear Mon 13-Oct-08 20:44:36

herbietea - my DD got this once - the teacher told her she should have brought it to her as soon as she came back, not waited till the next lesson. She only let DD off (grudgingly)when she pointed out that the next lesson was the first time since DD came back that the (part-time) teacher had been in school!

AbbeyA Mon 13-Oct-08 20:45:54

I think it is vital to support the school. I wouldn't allow my DSs to be silly in yr1-it will only get worse as they get older.

Pitchounette Mon 13-Oct-08 21:41:01

Message withdrawn

berolina Mon 13-Oct-08 21:43:20

I agree subject to context.

Some things can stay at school. Some things, generally the more serious or repeated/ongoing ones, need involvement from home.

Trafficcone Mon 13-Oct-08 21:49:05

Sorry, but I think it's vital to back my kids school up, so if he gets punished in school he gets punished again at home. You bring home a detention slip and you expect at least a week without privileges quite frankly.
No wonder so many of his peers are little shites if parents aren't backing up the punishment with their own in the home.
I'm lucky though, my sons tutor is on the phone whenever there is an issue and I only have to put a note in his homework diary and she'll call me back.
For primary school as we don't get told if they misbehave I don't obviously punish them. But then discipline is very different in primary and as there are no detentions or punishments for work that's not handed in etc there is less chance for the parent to work with the school.

cory Tue 14-Oct-08 09:21:44

I think there is a halfway house.
I am supportive of school punishment like Pitchounette says.

When my ds (7) got a lunchtime detention for not doing his homework I backed up the school and told him why I thought they were perfectly right - but he had already had his punishment, he was upset and sorry and isn't likely to do it again. I didn't think he needed another punishment- I have faith in the school's ability to discipline him.

Mine have never been in trouble for anything more serious than the above homework and for talking in class. If they had been hauled up for something more serious like bullying or vandalism, then I imagine having to tell me about it would be quite punishment enough!!!

Even I draw a line as to how supportive I am of the school, though. When dd's headteacher tried to make her believe that it was very naughty of her to be ill a lot and very inconsiderate to give other people trouble by being disabled, I thought it was more important that dd knew what my real opinion was. If I'd sided with the head at that time, that would have influenced her views of disabled people (and of herself) later in life. I couldn't go that far.

Sometimes important principles are at stake that amount to more than mere protectiveness of your pfb. Imagine if your dc had a racist teacher- would you feel obliged to tell them that the teacher has got to be right? For us it was disablism that meant I could not always be wholly supportive of the school. We are talking about things like making a child crawl on her hands and knees into the toilet to save having to open the disabled toilet- I couldn't possibly have told her that was right, could I?

But I have never made that an excuse not to back the school up on ordinary matters of discipline. And that is what I basically want my dc's to take away and remember: we obey laws even if they seem harsh or a bit silly unless there is a serious clash of conscience.

I was horrified when I found some of the things my disabled dd had allowed the school to do to her because she though it was morally wrong to question a teacher. Also, horrified when I found out that she had not tried to stop the council transport driver from sending an autistic child out of the taxi unsupervised- again, because she's learnt at school that it is naughty to question somebody in authority. I told her that if she'd rather see X dead than be though of as naughty, then she would have to live with that decision.
(having blown off steam, I then went and did something about it myself blush).

But don't try to come to me for sympathy when you get hauled up for giggling in class or doing sloppy work- that is not a matter of conscience and all my sympathy will be with the teacher! Even if it happened to be the very same teacher who had recently broken discrimination laws with regard to the same child. You still have to behave! I won't have my children grow up uncivilised and inconsiderate, regardless of who is around them.

FioFio Tue 14-Oct-08 09:26:18

Message withdrawn

cory Tue 14-Oct-08 09:28:43

I hate to say it, but my son is a lot better behaved than I was at school. Think my brothers were better behaved too....sad

OneLieIn Tue 14-Oct-08 09:32:41

Emkana, I am with you 100%. DCs need to behave properly and if they have done sthg wrong at school, parents should be informed. Parents should not take a 'well it's been dealt with' attitude, but should take positive steps to make sure it doesn't happen again and make sure the DC understands what is acceptable or not.

If parents are not involved, then the school may not achieve full capability with the DC. It is down to us as parents to sort this out.

I really detest parents who lay blame at the school. Discipline begins and ends at home with school in the middle.

You know what, if our children have done well at school, we definitely want to know about it and reward them doubly, so why not punish doubly?

Pitchounette Tue 14-Oct-08 11:17:17

Message withdrawn

edam Tue 14-Oct-08 11:23:54

I believe in supporting the school but not in double punishment. I'd make it clear I approved of the detention or whatever rather than issue a fresh punishment.

Cory's right though, on matters of conscience I do want ds to stand up for what he believes in if there is ever a clash. But protesting about something that is morally wrong might mean you have to take a detention or whatever - it's all part of the bargain.

Although Cory, that school does sound appalling, I do hope you fought and won!

hellywobs Tue 14-Oct-08 14:59:04

I think it's for the school to enforce discipline at school. If there is a pattern of bad behaviour then yes, tell the parents and get them to support the school's approach. I don't think the child should be punished again unless it is something very serious. And I agree that some behaviour happens because of school and what happens at school and as I am not there, I cannot take steps to stop it except to repeat the mantra ad nauseam that he has to toe the line at school. If it's a one-off incident I expect a teacher to deal with it and move on. I love the opinion expressed here that parents have to take steps to make sure it does not happen again. I'm sure we'd all love to say after a misdemeanour "don't do that again" and the child never does it again. Life ain't that easy! And expecting the teacher to deal with it is not laying blame at the school - it is expecting the teacher to do their job.

Would schools expect it to happen the other way? For example, son started messing about at the dinner table. Clearly such behaviour has been learnt at school - my dh and I don't mess about at dinner! So, I told him it's not acceptable. I wouldn't go to school and ask if they are supervising the kids properly at lunchtime (though if it had continued, maybe I would have done - but that's back to the pattern of behaviour).

And I am pretty sure my son is better at school than I was too. I toed the line at home and tended to rebel a bit at school. Girls can be just as badly behaved as boys.

And reward is far more important than punishment. Aren't we supposed to reward success and good behaviour in order to try to get more of it?

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 14-Oct-08 16:33:13

Message withdrawn

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