DS (aged 5) in trouble at school - what would you do next?

[Mo2]

DS1 (age 5) just started Reception last year. It's all been seemingly going well, he settled well, school reports are good, he's getting stickers for especially good work, so we had no concerns.

And then this morning DH has just phoned me to tell me that when he dropped DS1 off at school this morning his teacher took him to one side and said that DS1 had been in trouble yesterday. Seems that at lunchtime he had been in the toilets and he (and some others?) had been messing around with the new soap dispensers and had made a right mess. (Don't know any more detail). The teacher also said 'this wasn't the first time this sort of thing had gone on' but clearly they hadn't felt it merited a discussion
with us before this.

I know it hardly sounds a 'serious' offence, but I am genuinely shocked, as I don't want him be be labelled a troublemaker at school, AND of course I am angry about whatever it is that he did.

Sorry if this sounds stupid, but what should we do next? DH & I have agreed that we will sit him down for a talk tonight, but what should we say? Give him a chance to tell us what happened in his own words first?
And what about punishment?
I really want to get the message across that he's in school to learn, not to mess around, and that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

Anyone any experience or suggestions?

[secur]

Message withdrawn

[raisin]

Agree with secur. If he does something wrong at school, school should deal with it. You should support school, but not punish again. He is only 5.

[soapbox]

Well its not the crime of the century - but the teachers are right to try and nip it in the bud.

I think a chat with you and DH and no TV for a couple of nights (or whatever loss of privilege will bother him most) to show you are taking it seriously would be appropriate

[sozie]

What did the teacher say regarding punishment. How has she dealt with it? At dd's school the teacher normally says it's been dealt with in x y z way. Perhaps you an tell him the teacher has spoken to daddy and you are disappointed and that you expect a little better behaviour in future. Perhaps withold a treat or something just to reinforce the message.

[soapbox]

My DS will be 5 at the end of March and a 'punishment' after the fact would certainly work for him. He would really understand the linkage.

However if you want to hedge your bets then maybe a warning that any further trouble at school will be punished - so you're kind of giving him 'fair warning'!

[Mo2]

OK - great - you all seem to be saying the same sort of thing DH & I briefly discussed.

The school HAVE dealt with it - he got a good telling off, and was made to clean it up I imagine, and I support that fully.

Like Secur, I feel it's difficult to link punishment to crime several days after the event.

I think we'll have a chat to him about it, make sure he tells us why it was wrong, and yes, something like no TV or video games for a couple of days.

I want to get the balance right between taking it seriously, but not overreacting IYSWIM? Surely all kids get into trouble of some sort during their school life?

[amynnixmum]

I would assume that the school has already dealt with it so its probably a bit unfair to punish him again at home. I would definately talk to him about it, even if its just to let him know that if he misbahves at school you will find out about it. Don't think the behaviour sounds unusual or particularly serious but I would have a word with the teacher and get the full facts of what happened and also of the previous 'misdemeaners'.
The fact they haven't talked to you before suggests that they weren't unduly concerned about the other stuff.

[flashingnose]

Chances are there will have been some kind of "punishment" at school, so what about offering him an incentive instead? My ds (aged 6) has recently been on the "sad" chart quite a few times (school's "punishment"), so I've said if he stays off it this week, I'll reward him.

[secur]

Message withdrawn

[vess]

Sympathy, Mo2. Can happen to everyone. Those new soap dispencers probably seemeed like a new exciting toy to them!
I don't think you should punish him, firstly because it happened yesterday, so it's probably too late to be effective, and secondly because he should be punished at school for what he's done at school.
I'd probably say something about him being a big boy, going to a big school, etc, the need to behave properly and the fact that you trust him to (the trust thing is very important at that age - at least it seems so with my ds, who's nearly 5). You can also ask him to explain why what they did was wrong. And promise he won't do it again. Not terribly original, but there you are!

[GRMUM]

I think you should definitely have a chat with ds to find out how he sees the situation along the non-leading lines of "the teacher wasn't happy yesterday what happened?" And if possible find out what the other "behaviours" are.There may be something she is not aware of. We were called in by the school years ago for dd (7 at the time) because she had held a boy down whilst another child hit him. They were even talking about excluding her. It turned out that the "innocent" child have been verbally bullying her for the past year about being fat, and she had (I think ) got to the end of her tether. When we mentioned this at the meeting the teacher piped up "yes, he does do this all the time" Whilst we did have a firm talk to her that wwhat she did to this child was an unacceptable way to solve the problem, we didn't punish her.If in the end you agree with the school, I think you should let him know that you are 100% behind the teacher and leave it at that.ie not punish him again.

[WideWebWitch]

How did it go MO2? I think he's young, he's new, the teacher dealt with it, you should talk to him but not punish again.

[Mo2]

WWW - had a chat with him tonight before bed. He was very honest about it - knew he had been in the wrong,and was obviously upset about it afterwards at school. Sounds like he was just 'experimenting' and got carried away!
We didn't get angry - just told him it had made us sad, and that we didn't want to hear about similar things again.
Not punished as such, but we have told him no TV in the mornings before breakfast(which was something we had slipped into, which has been causing problems). All OK in the end.

[secur]

Message withdrawn