Friends choosing different kinds of ed for their kids...

[Acinonyx]

DD will register for school this Dec. We plan for her to go to the local state schools thoughout. A few of our playdate friends are opting for private ed and I wonder what the effect will be on our friendship over the years (both adults and children). Do you and your children remain friends or does it become very difficult - after all - our dc will have completely different friends at school - and different kinds of lives.

[Blandmum]

My kids are bestest mates with my bestest mates kids, and they go to a different school

[forevercleaning]

if they are good friends, they will remain friends.

If its just the kids that are friends and you parents are friends only because they are, you will probably go your separate ways.

My dcs are a state school and one is home ed. I have friends in both areas and also friends in private school, the children do not have any issues with eachother, as it was the parents who were friends in the first place if you see what i mean!

[Acinonyx]

That's reassuring. I guess I'm wondering if there will be some sort of 'us & them' divide.

[islandofsodor]

I don;t think it makes any difference. The friends that dd and I had were met through te local toddler group and the NCT. The NCT friends were from a wide area so all the children were going to different schools.

At toddler group there was only 1 other child going to my local primary school, the others were all in the catchment for another local primary. As my dd goes to an independant school we did lose touch but we were never really huge friends anyway.

My next door neighbour's dd is starting a school which is out of catchment so even though she is the same age as ds it doesn't follow that we would have had them at the same schools.

[Smithagain]

DD's best friend from pre-school days is at an independent school of a moderately snooty character, and DD is at the local state infant. We did have to make a consicous effort to help them keep in touch in the early days - arranging playdates even though they were pretty tired after school, for eg. They're now in Year 1 and have not drifted apart at all.

In fact, it's nice having an "out of school" friend who is having different experiences and is not caught up in any playground politics. It's also interesting to exchange notes about the different approaches taken by the schools. In general, the independent school has great extra-curricular activities, which I am slightly jealous of. But it's also much more pushy in terms of formal learning, tests, regular homework etc. Both families are still perfectly happy with their educational choice, despite seeing how the other half are living!

The children are totally oblivious of any social divide. Maybe that will change as they get older. Hope not!

[Romy7]

dd1's best friend (the only one who comes for sleepovers) is home ed. we also know lots of families whose dc go to private schools (dd1 has just made friends with a girl from over the road) and i think it's really nice that my dcs get to know there are lots of different options in this big ole world. (when dd1 was 4 she asked me when she was going to go to school she slept at - which gave us a good opportunity to point out there are lots of options!)
for now it works fine - and dd1 doesn't see any difference in social status etc - no idea whether it will change in the future...

[willali]

I have found that it is difficult to keep up with friends at different schools and especially if they are at state schools (we are private) because of different term dates / half terms etc. I found that when we get into the term time swing of after school activities / matches etc then various weekend things then school hols is really the only time to get together, and whilst they get on fine with "old" friends they will never be best buddies just becasue they don't see each other that often. Mostly they see these friends because I want to see MY old friend IYSWIM

[Hulababy]

My DD (and DH and me) has lots of good friends within her school and from outside her school. At present she (us) is the only one of her outside friends that is in priavte ed. It does not make a jot of difference to their friendship at all. DD isn't aware that her school is private and friend's state - it just doesn't come into their playing at all.

[AbbeyA]

Children will make different friends even if they go to the same school anyway, they may well grow away from their early play date friends. If, as adults, you are real friends then you should be able to continue the friendship.

[Acinonyx]

I think I'm probably more concerned for my own sake as I'm sure dd will make new friends at school. Perhaps I will too. I just wonder if my friend-going-private will become part of a different set. Nice to see that it hasn't been inevitable. As you say - it really depends on the strength of the underlying friendship under the strain of different timetables and committments.

[Smithagain]

FWIW my "friend going private" hasn't drifted off at all. Possibly because she's found that the mums at her DD's school are decidedly cliquey and snooty and she'd rather hang out with the old gang!!

[cory]

I think it could be fine as long as both of you make a conscious decision to be supportive of each other's choices and show a positive interest in what the other's dc is doing at school. Obviously, any one-up-man-ship from either of you (equally easy to do this from a state school perspective) is likely to have a bad effect on your friendship.