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Ds being bullied again - can these situations ever resolve themselves?

(56 Posts)
ks Wed 19-Jan-05 08:48:28

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galaxy Wed 19-Jan-05 08:56:32

Your poor little boy ks . In answer to your final question I think children have more of an ability to change and learn than adults. As a victim of work-place bullying I think an adult with a bullying attitude would find it hard to back down.

ds was being bullied in the last year of his primary school and we kept on and eventually the boy was removed from the class for a period of 4 weeks. They then brought him and the kids he was bullying together to have a discussion and it seems to have had an effect. They are now at senior school (albeit in different classes) and the boy in question is no longer unpleasant to ds when he sees him.

I hope you can get this resolved.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 09:01:17

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galaxy Wed 19-Jan-05 09:06:06

That's really sad and it must be heartbreaking for you. The school should be making more of an effort to ensure that no pupil feels singled out though and thus becomes the victim of ridicule. ds was in special needs groups for a couple of his subjects in primary school but so were a lot of kids so there wasn't any bullying about that. He was getting called gay and a poof primarily because he was a kind and thoughtful kid.

Willow2 Wed 19-Jan-05 09:06:27

Don't they have some sort of "school council" to arbitrate in these situations? From what I've read, being judged by a council of peers - who mediate between the two children - and made to come to an 'understanding' can be really helpful - more so than just being told off by an adult. Might be worth suggesting.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 09:11:50

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amynnixmum Wed 19-Jan-05 09:33:11

Hi KS, So sorry that you and ds are going through this. Good news is that if you move ds to another school it won't necessarily happen again. I was bullied at the first school i went to and my mum moved me after a year. I was fine at the 2nd school. Also I have recently done a lot of research into the causes and consequences of bullying as well as techniques to combat these behaviours. One of the things that researchers have found is that a child that is bullied by one peer group will not necessarily be bullied by another. Do the school do no form of peer mediation at all. There is loads of evidence to suggest that this sort of intervention is very successful. Also how old is ds? Research I did was mainly on primary schools. There are several websites that offer advice on bullying and most of these also have a section for parents. I'll see if I can find my notes and do you a couple of links but if not I found these sites by googling 'bullying'.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 09:37:04

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amynnixmum Wed 19-Jan-05 09:42:01

poor boy. Have you asked him what he would like to do? I am currently considering moving my children from their school (for very different reasons) and have talked to dd about it (she is 6) but not ds as he is only 4. I thought dd would be upset as she is happy and settled there but she said it was fine and she could make new friends.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 09:46:20

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weightwatchingwaterwitch Wed 19-Jan-05 09:48:04

Ks, sorry to hear this. Have you considered Steiner or other alternative types of school?

amynnixmum Wed 19-Jan-05 09:48:19

Have you been to see any other schools yet? I am going to read the ofsted report for the one I am thinking of today. If its alright i'm going to try to get in to see them next week.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 09:50:40

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ks Wed 19-Jan-05 09:51:21

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amynnixmum Wed 19-Jan-05 09:57:27

IIRC incidence of bullying is similar across all types of schools. What researchers found was that in mixed schools that used peer mediation techniques girls outnumbered boys by something like 4 to 1 in volunteering to help as a mediator. However, in all boys schools they had statistically as many volunteers as in a mixed school. Boy 'culture' seems to be different in a mixed school than in a single sex school. Sorry, not much help I know.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 10:09:30

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PuffTheMagicDragon Wed 19-Jan-05 10:18:54

ks, have you spoken to the Head about this?

If the teacher is rather weak in this area, she may need help to manage the situation more effectively.

To me, this isn't just a class issue, its a school issue. Were the parents called in to see the Head last time? That is very different to seeing a class teacher.

I think school councils and mediation are great, but your little boy is very young as are the other children and I think the Head needs to step in if she/he has not already done so.

BTW, I don't think you are overreacting, we all know how hugely damaging bullying can be to a child.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 10:22:36

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ks Wed 19-Jan-05 10:23:18

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PuffTheMagicDragon Wed 19-Jan-05 10:25:03

ks, good luck with moving him - I'd be thinking the same in your shoes.

My tooth? Your thoughts would be very gratefully received .

nasa Wed 19-Jan-05 10:27:12

ah, your poor ds, ks, I jsut can't imagine how awful it must be when your child is being bullied (my ds is only 3). I really hope you can find a school that he likes and can be happy in.

Jimjams Wed 19-Jan-05 10:50:18

ks- does your dh think your son should move?

moving can work (something that worked very well for my cousin when she was having school problems- despite a lot of the family thinking she should stay put- a change of schools changed her completely and she blossomed).

The only reason I ask what your dh would think is that- although don't know you- I've followed lots of your posts and I kind of worry that no school would ever be 100% right for you. Don't take that the wrong way- Ive just followed your house buying threads with interest Whenever you move schools you take a risk- it could be better, or it could be worse- and moving in itself brings some stress to all concerned. Does you ds do any outside school activities? I was never part of a big group at school and I had several different "best friends" one at school (which used to change!), one at ballet, one at home, one at brownies etc etc I'm still a bit like that now- a friend here and a friend there, but no gang.

BTW we have just moved ds1- he started his new school this term- and it has been fantastic for him. Much better and we have a very happy little boy (not that he was unhappy at his old school- but he was well and truly the odd one out before- now he fits this school perfectly).

Unless your son is utterly miserable I woudln't rush to make a decision. I guess you'll have to give a terms notice etc. Would you change him at the start of a new school year? (perhaps easier for him???)

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 11:08:49

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Jimjams Wed 19-Jan-05 11:21:08

Ah so you are still thinking of moving area and stuff still as well? In that case then the school not being quite right is just another factor in favour of that I guess.

I was a bit unsure about ds1 moving, even though I thought it was necessary- partly because he started his new school 2 days after ds3 was born (and he did not like ds2 turning up, added to which I wasn't around - was in hospital- and he had to start going in a taxi rather than being taken by us). I wasn't sure the time was right, although the school was. It has been such a good move for him though and it is lovely to have him in a place where he's understood. He came home yesterday having had an aromatherapy session and a hydrotherapy session and just lay around being all relaxed and lovely. Skips out to the taxi in the morning as well- and waited by the window for 20 minutes (!!! ds1 can't usually wait for 20 seconds) looking out for the taxi this morning.

ks Wed 19-Jan-05 11:23:45

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