Is boarding school only for the wealthy?

[bigyellowballoon]

I am looking at secondary schools and would really like my only dc to board. She's confident outgoing intelligent all the things I wasn't and also being an only she does get lonely and I think it would suit her spending extra time with friends.
The thing is they seem to be absolutely out of bounds financially. Do 'normal' families go? We are at a prep at the moment but not at application stage for secondary yet.

[MollyButton]

Talk to the Head of your Prep school. Could she be suitable for a scholarship? Or is State boarding an option?

[TheMoreItSnows]

www.christs-hospital.org.uk/

[BrexitBingoGenerator]

Unless you find a state boarding school (I’m not sure about those?!) you would be among people who are, for the most part, extraordinarily wealthy. Is that something you think your daughter could cope with, if you are not wealthy?

I realise that sounds massively crass and glib, but seriously- how would she cope if her friends all go on the fancy ski trip and she can’t? I only ask because I wasn’t wealthy and went to boarding school, albeit about 150 years ago- it was pretty brutal and not at all like the Mallory towers experience I had expected!

[Trewser]

It's about 30k a year at dds school. There are some state boarding schools.

[SunnySomer]

My nephew goes to a boys state grammar that takes boarders and is desperate to start boarding. Their boarders do better academically and DN wants to go to see more of his friends.
In terms of independent boarding schools: my DH and siblings went to a v academic public school on scholarships and some subsidies due to parents being stationed overseas. They - and particularly SIL - were very aware of being have-nots. So they had the school place, music lessons, opportunities etc, but zero cash for the extras that their peers had.

[Velveteenfruitbowl]

Absolutely not. Most people I know who went weren’t from fabulously wealthy backgrounds. Many had parents with very working class jobs.

[BrexitBingoGenerator]

@Sunnysomer your DH may well be my bro- that all sounds exactly the same as my time at boarding school.

[LucileDuplessis]

My DC go to a state boarding school (they don't board though).

[Joerev]

I went to boarding school through a bursary.

As above. It wasn’t a great experience. As @BrexitBingoGenerator says I wasn’t able to go on the ski trip or the safari trip etc. I didn’t have the posh clothes. Bags. Or shoes

It’s also nothing like you think it is....

Unless you can fit in. And pay for it. I wouldn’t ever send my child there. You don’t fit in.

[BrexitBingoGenerator]

@Velveteenfruitbowl really?! Wow. This only goes to show how different they all are I suppose!

[Shannith]

In my experience, yes.

Old money too. The ones that know anyway (DH family).

[Trewser]

Velveteenfruitbowl where on earth was that?

[Wagsandclaws]

I would say so yes, my DH went to a boarding school on a bursary and was bullied to such an extent that it affects him even now in his 40's.

He didn't fit in, the children were from very wealthy backgrounds and he wasn't.

Our own Dc go to an independent school albeit on the cheaper end of the scale of private schools. Because of this most of their peers have parents similar to us, not wealthy but i would say a middle class demographic.

Boarding fees are crazy money, for two children you'd have to be earning an awful lot, we wouldn't consider putting our DC in boarding, even if they could get a bursary due to the disparity in what we earn and their peers parents do.

Children like to fit in, it's difficult to fit in if your parents aren't super wealthy too.

[bigyellowballoon]

@MollyButton our prep tries to keep everyone on until 13 but some of the secondaries I've seen have said 11+ is the main entry so I'm trying to work out when is best time to leave prep and if it's 11+ I need to think about everything fairly soon.
State boarding looks difficult to get into under their criteria of priorities such as in the forces or in care etc. Maybe I will ring them and take a look. Another thing that put me off was the criteria. Dd would be at the bottom of a list she's not really part of. Ie not forced not in care, no real necessity for boarding.

[PaquitaVariation]

Both of our dc board but they go to vocational school on substantial scholarships. Most of the children at their schools are what they call ‘accidental boarders’ - children whose families wouldn’t have usually even considered boarding. Your daughter’s personality sounds like she might enjoy boarding but it’s impossible to tell. It’s a massive commitment to make though so I’d want to be absolutely sure that it was something she really wanted and would be a benefit to her, before I’d pay full fees.

[Lipperfromchipper]

I had cousins who went to boarding school...not wealthy...lived in a very modest 3 bed bungalow, their mum didn’t work and their dad worked as an engineer in a factory. I went to private school (not boarding) my mum was a nurse, dad also worked in a factory as an engineer. We weren’t wealthy by any means. But then again we are in Ireland where things are possibly different??

[bigyellowballoon]

To give some context dh warns £100k pa and that will most likely will go up depending on if he follows his qualifications and career path he's currently on. (We are fairly young and yes dd was the surprise one and only baby!) I don't work. We manage the prep fees carefully and save each month to cover any unexpected bills, we also live modestly to help but I don't mind that. Currently prep approx £18k pa so boarding maybe double that, If I went back to work I could pay the fees from my salary but by the time I've paid holiday care wont have much left over and living on £100k salary doesn't sound enough to manage boarding expectations.

I do worry we'll be the 'poor people' but at the same time dd current schools has many wealthy people who seem to have endless funds and of course some people act like we're on a different planet to them we are but many others are very friendly and we have good friends here. Sorry if I sound daft. I just wondered if we are really punching above our weight or could we pull it off. I would never force dd but she really does seem so independent I think it would suit her.

[EstoPerpetua]

One of mine is at a well known boarding school right at the top of the fee scale, OP (scholarship and bursary). I earn well below the average UK salary. The admissions process is essentially 'needs blind'; a third of pupils there have some kind of fee assistance. The pupils don't know who falls into this category (unless they choose to tell other pupils). In truth, though, they don't care.

For every pupil who goes on the ski trip/safari trip/whatever, there are 10 pupils who don't. Nobody knows why or cares why some go and others don't (though, FWIW, at this particular school, trips are discounted by the same percentage as the fees, for pupils who qualify for fee assistance) - precisely because they don't want trips to be open only to the better-off pupils.

All the pupils seem pretty confident they are there because they have something great to offer (music, sport, academics, art - anything at all: the school encourages excellence in any sphere, however oddball it might seem); their backgrounds and their parents' earnings are irrelevant because they know one another mostly in the context of school, where everyone is treated equally. As a result, there is a better social mix at that school than at my other children's day schools. At these latter schools, it's always the 'rich ones' who go on trips, have expensive clothes etc. Though they are a minority, as most people have nothing left for extras once they have paid school fees.

[Velveteenfruitbowl]

@BrexitBingoGenerator I think it’s more that the less glamours people are less visible. For instance DH’s parents had a business which they ran themselves and did the very minimum wage type work for no pay. But he went to a top public school with sons of oligarchs and aristocracy etc etc. You’d never suspect that he wasn’t also the son of minor nobility (to be fair his origins aren’t lower class, his parents were just very down on their luck but that’s quite common in these schools, you have parents who for some reason or other have lost everything/their parents lost everything so they into debt and eat beans on toast every night to ensure their children escape the rut and it takes a couple generations to get back on top. My family is the same actually. A lot of people in that position sacrifice the things average people take for granted in order to avoid falling further).

[EstoPerpetua]

they into debt and eat beans on toast every night

PMSL, Velveteen, as I have just been eating beans on toast for supper (not for the first time this month) after googling "remortgage house to pay for school fees". This is not a joke.

[Trewser]

People on minimum wage can't afford boarding school fees.

Eating beans in toast also doesn't save 36k a year.

You mught get the odd member of the faded aristocracy who is living on grace and favour, but you absolutely do not get low paid parents unless they have ridiculously talented children on 100 percent scholarships.

[oreomum]

I went to boarding school and there were girls whose parents weren't wealthy but this was the days of the Assisted Places Scheme so a hefty discount was available.

[mineofuselessinformation]

Look into state boarding schools - you only pay a boarding fee, the LEA pays the education part of it.
IME, it tends to be the 'new money' people who are snobby - the rest don't care a hoot who you are, although if you have a smaller income you can fall foul of the label obsession that seems to be rife at certain ages.
Make sure your dc is realistic about boarding though. If it's far away, factor in the costs of coming home and going back regularly, even possibly every weekend. Lots of kids do, unless they are from overseas. Even if they are coming home, it's likely they will need to attend on a Saturday morning.
Hope that helps, OP.

[mineofuselessinformation]

P.S. also look into bursaries. Some schools offer a discount for a child who is talented at sport or music, for example.

[Trewser]

also look into bursaries. Some schools offer a discount for a child who is talented at sport or music, for example, no thats a scholarship. A bursary is given if there is financial need. At dds school the OP would be expected to get a job before theyd consider a bursary!