If you have an academically able child.....

[Earlybird]

........how do they respond when they are presented with something that does not come easily, and/or something they struggle with? And if their reaction is negative, how do you/the teachers support and encourage them?

DD (so far) has grasped things quickly at school, but a few days ago I got a glimpse of her reaction when something was not easy for her. She was negative, anxious, tearful, and very hard on herself. I can only assume that as she progresses through school, she will increasingly be challenged. She may struggle and maybe/probably she will fail at something too. After all, very few people are good at everything.

How can I help her now, and what can I do to prepare her for later?

Going out now...will check in later...

[PandaG]

DS can react badly, or not even try, if there is something that he is going to find difficult. We try to give him non academic challenges so he can practise not being able to cope - eg going to Beavers - lots of practical things to do, new people to know. Swimming lessons - was a big hurdle as he was afraid of the water, but he will get in without me now, and his sister is better than him at swimming, although 2 years younger, is good for him to find things difficult.

Does thaht help at all?

[MarsLady]

Difficult! DS1 was like that for ages. I only recently discovered he quite likes Art. He used to hate it because there was no right or wrong answer. I found that he would not be interested in things that he couldn't do instantly.

I used football as the boy's footie mad. His godfather got him into Arsenal... so I got him into Barnet. That way he would have to see loss (maybe should've let him follow Spurs like me lol).

I suppose different things work for different children. Basically, you have to find things that she will have to work at and sometimes fail at. I think it's important that children fail at things, not because of the failing but because of the coping mechanisms. That's why I love competition. Of course winning is important, but just as important is how you lose and respond to losing.

[Blu]

DS is exactly like this. He hates doing things he thinks he will fail at.
I have wavered between trying to cajole, pressurise, bribe etc him to tackle things, in order to ralise that failing is simply the first step in succeeding, iyswim, and therefore lose his fear of failure, and also experience the sense of achievement in doing something that he found hard or did't want to do. Offering incentives has been hopeless. He just sees that as something else he will 'fail' to get - so he just says 'I don't want a .....whatever has been o0ffered', or immediately resigns himself to not having it.

I have found some succes in almost tricking him into doing things that he couldn't do - but mostly I have sat back and not stresed about things he weasn't attempting. Learning to read was a nightmare. He hated reading practice until the class had worked through all the JP blended sounds, and he could read everything. All or nothing. I don't quite know how he progesses at school, but he does - he is in a small group doing Yr 2 work, apparantly, although he is in Yr1 and not yet 6.

I don't know what this is about. He refused to have curious george read to him because he got so upset by CG doing things wrong and getting into trouble, and now we have had to abandon a Roald Dahl book half way through because the chracter is causing the house to collapse (something about Marvellous Medecine...). He is generally a happy, relaxed, confident child, I am a laid-back un-pushy mother. So, I'm doing nothing much about it now, (mostly because I don't know what I can do!) just waiting to see how it pans out.

[frogs]

It is a problem, particularly if the school are not aware of it or refuse to recognise it.

Dd1 found so many things easy at school, that she assumed it was her birthright to be able to do any task immediately, perfectly, and better than anyone else. She was completely unable to cope with situations where the answer was not immediately obvious to her, or where her performance was not as good as others', and simply did not know how to persevere, or keep working away at a problem in order to reach the answer.

For her it was exacerbated by the fact that the school didn't see that there was an issue. She was consistently given work that was far too easy for her, and given cheery little 'excellent' stickers when she had clearly just scribbled down the first thing that came into her head.

It does get better, but slowly. For dd1 the key was doing activities that didn't come naturally to her -- it took her ages to learn to swim, for example, while the children who had started with her were promoted to two or three groups higher. I spent a lot, really a lot of time talking her through this, with conversations like:
Dd1: "Everybody's better than me at swimming."
Frogs: "No, some people find it easier than others, but you'll all get there in the end if you keep trying."
Dd1: "Well you're better than me."
Frogs: "Yes, well, I'm 27 years older than you."
Dd1: "Well God is better than me."
Frogs:

This was a real conversation, btw.

I'm not naturally one for making children do activities that they're not keen on, but in this context it's worth finding one or two things that they can keep plugging away at. Gradually she realised that it was okay not to be best at everything, and it was okay to be reasonably good at something but not perfect. She did Grade 1 flute and got a merit (how pleased was I that she didn't get distinction!), and was happy with that. She's now in Y7 in a selective but not massively hothousey school, where they are all expected to work hard and the staff are completely wise to people coasting. She has put in a lot of effort, and seems to be doing well in her end-of-year exams, but is chilled about the fact that some of her friends have beaten her in some subjects. Both my older dc have just joined a running club -- I know dd1 still has to swallow hard to cope with the fact that her younger brother is clearly better than she is, but she's taking it on the chin and is happy to keep going on the basis that it's good for her to get fitter and enjoy the activity even if she's not naturally gifted at it.

Keep plugging away. It is a slow process, but as long as you're aware of the issue in terms of making decisions about schooling and extra activities, it does slowly improve.

[frogs]

The worst stage was between about age 6-7, btw.

[LIZS]

I suspect dd will be the same . Have had to break it to her she wasn't thought ready physically for a dance exam (she's tiny for her age, especially in comparison to some girls in her year and is the youngest) and she was gutted.

[lexcat]

dd is just like this wants to be able to do all her school work just like that. Becomes moody and negative if she has to try a bit. Maths is the only thing she really loves as she finds it "really easy" (as she put it). She's enjoying reading now too since she has become a freereader, but really strugged everytime she moved up a reading book level (moody anxious tearful) Yet she was quite able to read them just not 100%.
She does lots of things outside of school hours and that has been helpful. Ballet,jazz dance gymlastics loves them all but to start with found them hard. she is far from top of the class in all of these but it's been really good for her to be challenged.

[lexcat]

thanks frogs dd has just turn 6 and I was thinks she is getting a little better.

[singersgirl]

Actually it seems to have turned DS2 off maths. He is nearly 6 and in Y1, and started Reception quite advanced in numeracy. He has a phenomenal memory for some things (almost everything that has ever happened to him, spelling, detail when reading etc, conversations), but does not instantly recall all maths facts. So instead of trying to work out sums that he doesn't immediately 'know' he now gets fearful and anxious and says, "I don't know. I hate numeracy. I don't want to talk about it". Of course he can work them out perfectly well, but he expects to just 'know' the answers.

I am working on telling him that it is OK to have a go and get it wrong, but he 'knows' so many things that when he doesn't he feels quite panicky, I think.