Feeling bad about starting school

[Azzie]

I feel really silly about this, and I know I'm probably making a fuss about nothing, and will laugh when I look back, but I need to get it off my chest. Dh just doesn't seem to understand it at all, so I can't really talk to him about how I feel.

Ds is nearly 5 and starts school in September. I feel really really awful about this. It's not as if I have him at home all the time or anything - I work and he goes to nursery 4 days a week - and I never thought him starting school would bother me at all. But it does. Every time I think about it, it makes me want to cry.

He's at a lovely nursery, with wonderful staff and some very good friends. Because of the nursery fees most of his friends are leaving within the next couple of weeks, to spend time at home before school starts, and I know he'll miss them a lot (although he will be going to school with a couple of them in September).

He has met his Reception teacher once, briefly, at the school. One of the other Reception teachers came to visit his nursery (to see two children who will be in her class), but although the Head said she would, my son's Reception teacher hasn't visited him at nursery, nor has she talked to his group teacher there. She has, however, visited children at the State nursery school just down the road. So why not my son?

Our contact with his Infants School has been minimal. We have received two letters from them - one (2 weeks before the date) telling us about the introductory parent's evening (which was when we were on holiday), and one then rearranging our visit date which only turned up because I got fed up waiting to find out when he was supposed to start school - it seems it was mislaid under a pile of paper in the school office. Even contacting the school is a faff - none of their correspondance has a phone number on it.

When he starts he has to go half time for 5 weeks (a nightmare to sort out work around - but I can't afford to give up work for the sake of 5 weeks). The Head will not budge on this - she says the Reception teachers need the afternoons to do preparation (5 weeks of preparation? - all I can say is that what she's delivering had better be bl**dy stunning). Luckily his nursery have agreed to have him for afternoon sessions only, which is better than him going to a strange childminder for 5 weeks, but none of his friends will be there, only younger children.

The school is supposed to be a good one, and the children I know who are there now seem happy, but I'm so unhappy about it. They seem really unwelcoming somehow, yet in their school prospectus they make a big thing about wanting parents to be involved (all very PC)and always being welcome in school. I feel that I've been given no opportunity to ask any of the questions I have - the one visit we were invited to was very short and very much aimed at the children - and I have no idea how often I will be able to talk to the teacher about ds's progress, or even how to go about this (for security reasons parents are not allowed inside school at picking-up time), and as the Reception classes are at the far end of the school I hardly imagine I'll be bumping into her much. I haven't even been given any general background about the school, such as what the kids will be doing, or how often they have parent's evenings etc. Maybe all this will come when he starts school?

My ds will in all probability take all this in his stride. I'm trying very hard not to let my anxiety infect him, but I am upset. I can't help it. I probably should have taken the bull by the horns and made an appointment to see the Head, but I've been trying to stop feeling like this because I think I'm probably being daft - and it doesn't do to cry in front of your son's new head teacher, does it? And now it's the end of term and too late.

Sorry to go on about it - I just needed to tell someone.

[WideWebWitch]

Azzie, you're not being silly. It's understandable that you feel this way. IMHO it's not very good that your ds hasn't had at least a few visits to the school so that he knows the place and the teachers at least a little. It's a big step!! But not much you can do about that now, so I don't suppose that's a very helpful comment! Maybe the half day thing is meant to fulfil that function?

But, being positive, it sounds like a great outcome that he is going to nursery 5 afternoons: even if the same children aren't there it is somewhere he knows and that is continuity for him. On the school front could you try leaving it until he starts and then making an appointment to see the class teacher? You could ask her then what the deal is with parents evenings, feedback etc etc. You could mention that you were away for the visit etc and therefore you need to talk to her. It sounds as if they're disorganised rather than deliberately crap...

[Marina]

Azzie, you're not being daft at all - I can just imagine how you are feeling. We have been trying to find out a bit about the three local primaries (one private, two state) where we would like ds to go (he is 3 at present). I am already sick and tired of the bad manners of the secretarial staff at the two state primaries - not returning calls, not acknowledging applications, claiming they only give out prospectuses to families whose children have a place at the School (eh?) etc. I still have not the faintest idea what goes on inside either building. It is alienating and demoralising and no matter how good the reputation of the school it does send a chill down your spine. No doubt they will argue they get hundreds of letters/calls, but I still think it is rude. The private school is much better, no doubt because their success depends on attracting parents and treating them courteously, although I think sending ds a birthday card was a step too far...
I was interested to see that you were told that the 5 weeks half-time attendance was to give the teachers extra lesson preparation time. I always thought it was to help small children acclimatise to full-time school education!
IMO this time of year is an emotive one for us all. I remember hating the turmoil of reports, exams later on, moving up a class - often to a form teacher whose reputation has preceded them, losing some friends every year, and when you think it starts at five and ends at 21 plus for some of us, it is not surprising it gives us an emotional hangover. I was in tears on a sunny beach last week when I heard that two of ds' special friends were leaving nursery soon - he just carried on eating sand. I am dreading it when his time comes - his nursery really is like a family to us all.

[tigermoth]

I remember feeling bad when my son started school. I dreaded the move from a learning through play to a SATS dominated culture. Also, nursery attendence feels more voluntary, once children hit five and over, school attendence becomes more of a commitment. I felt I was losing control of my son, and the last vestage of babyhood ended when nursury did.

I agree, schools can seem unfriendly. Visits are not always frequent. I have encounterd many chilly and dismissive school secretaries. They do not breed confidence. At least when you start school and talk to other parents, you will find out you are not alone. Chances are the secretary has a reputation.

IME it's after school begins that the invites come. Is this because schools see so many parents dropping out and choosing another school at the last minuite (multiple applications are so common) so schools don't know who will turn up until a few weeks before the new term? I don't know.

Also, Azzie, this business about not being able to enter the school to have the odd chat with the teacher at picking up time: take this with a pinch of salt. IME schools are more flexible than the rule book suggests. If you explain to another teacher in the playground that you want to have a quick word with the reception teacher inside, I'm sure they wouldn't stop you. At my son's school, parents are not meant to enther the building either, but that really means you don't do it daily and without permission.

As for regular parent/school events - IME, there's always plenty of them. School trips, cake fairs, book fairs and in the autumn term - halloween and christmas will provide lots of getting together opportunities.

On the academic side, you get printed sheets listing the topics covered each term, and possibly invites to parent's literacy and numeracy evenings.

I'm dashing this off at speed - hope it answers some of your questions. A common joke with parents at my son's school is how often they are invited to be there - there are opportunites for parent involvement at least once or twice a week - almost like having a part time job if you take up all the offers.

HTH

[Azzie]

Thanks for all your comments - they really helped me to feel a little more calm about all this.

However, I'm still not exactly happy with the school. I wrote a (nice) letter to the head, asking why (despite the Head saying she would) ds's teacher never came to nursery to meet him. I got a reasonable reply, saying that his teacher had been ill and therefore short of time - this is fair enough, I understand that this was beyond their control (I'm not really an unreasonable woman, honest...). I could have accepted this. However, the Head then said that the teacher who had come to nursery was there to gather information about all the children who would be starting Reception. This is not true. I asked the nursery staff (who have no reason to tell me lies) and they tell me that the teacher was interested only in her two pupils and never asked about my son or his friend at all. So either the Head doesn't know what's going on with her own staff, or she's telling me what I want to hear - which is not acceptable, I'd rather have the truth (however unpleasant) than be fobbed off with a lie, however white.

I know I'm getting this out of proportion (probably a symptom of my subconscious anxiety about ds starting school ), but I hate being lied to.