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Inverted snobbery

(97 Posts)
DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 19:35:51

So sick of my family etc. Judging me for moving my child to an independent.

Why would I not send my child to the best I can afford?

Is it jealousy or inverted snobbery??

Literally nobody but DP thinks this is a good decision and I can’t make sense of it.

Has anyone else experienced this??

SlowSlothSlow Tue 24-Oct-17 20:11:31

I don’t understand why anyone would judge. If I could afford to send dd to a private school I don’t think I’d think twice about it. I live in a fairly affluent area and there are loads of private schools in my town, I just dream of being able to send dd to one but thankfully there aren’t really any ‘bad’ state schools around here. Ignore the family comments. If you have the means to educate privately and choose to do so then it’s got nothing to do with anyone other than yourself, dh and dc.

Ijustlovefood Tue 24-Oct-17 20:20:37

I don't like to judge anybody but I wouldn't send my child to a private school and we probably could afford it too.

DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 20:22:58

It’s just frustrating when my family seem to hate that I’m doing well.

I am incredibly lucky that I will soon be mortgage free and therefor due to not paying housing costs can afford school fees.

My life has been really difficult and I’ve struggled for years, now thankfully things are going well and I just want my kids to never have the same struggles I have.

I know private school is not a guarantee to a successful life, but I feel like I should stretch myself to give my kids the best.

I don’t mind making sacrifices, and if we have to skip family holidays so the DC can afford school trips etc. Then that’s 100% worth it.

I know not everyone can afford it, and I would never judge anyone for choosing state school even if they could afford otherwise.

I guess it’s just another layer of the onion- where my family always criticise me whatever I do.

DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 20:24:21

The day I told my Mother I was considering getting a cleaner she looked physically wounded. 😔

Brokenbiscuit Tue 24-Oct-17 20:28:52

Is it that they're judging you, or is it simply that they don't think it's a good idea?

DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 21:49:12

I don’t know what the problem is tbh. It just feels (often) like my family expect me to fail in life.

I have had to stop spending time with some of them at all partly because they try and put me down constantly.

They all think my DP is just “flashing his money” but literally the only things he’s paid for is house and school, which are for DCs not us at all.

I pay for the nice pram, clothes, household stuff etc. So a lot of the time what they think is him “flashing the cash” is actually me treating everyone.

We don’t go on flashy holidays or anything like that. Obviously our priorities are just very different. Most of my family use state schools but go on flashy holidays and drive more expensive cars.

greathat Tue 24-Oct-17 21:53:47

Er, you can't assume that private =best

DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 22:22:31

Obviously not. I didn’t say that and I know there are some bad private schools so have chosen carefully x

Brokenbiscuit Tue 24-Oct-17 22:52:35

I feel like I should stretch myself to give my kids the best.

I don’t mind making sacrifices, and if we have to skip family holidays so the DC can afford school trips etc. Then that’s 100% worth it.

Most of my family use state schools but go on flashy holidays and drive more expensive cars.

To be fair, it sounds a bit like you are judging them, so perhaps they're reacting against that?

DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 23:00:52

I have never said any of that to anyone. I have literally just told them about my DCs going to a new school conversationally and for judged as though it’s a ridiculous expense by people who ski every season. (I’ve never been skiing at all).

I am just confused by it. I don’t seem to br able to do anything right in my families eyes.

harlandgoddard Tue 24-Oct-17 23:13:11

It’s just a different opinion OP. It is a lot of money and I have to say I could never justify it not that I could afford it anyway.

But it’s none of their business so tell them that. Or just don’t bring it up.

DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 23:34:51

I’m not intentionally bringing it up but obviously DD talks about her school etc. & then it turns things sour again.

I guess it’s just the way it is when your life changes a lot that some people aren’t able to catch up.

I was a bad teenager and f**ked up my early twenties so I think sometimes they think I don’t deserve to do well when they never strayed from the trodden path.

I have worked really hard to get where I am today though, and occasionally I just wish it wouldn’t become an ideological debate every time I make a life choice that differs.

I guess I just have to accept I’ll never make them happy. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. DP and DCs are the only people I should be concerned about really.

Soursprout Tue 24-Oct-17 23:52:58

I agree .. just don’t make a big deal about it or bring it up
They don’t have to approve or agree with your choice ... it’s your decision. . It’s just a difference of opinion
I wouldn’t send my child to private school even if I could afford it but each to their own and all that

DaisyRaine90 Tue 24-Oct-17 23:58:25

Why not SourSprout out of curiosity? Xx

Brokenbiscuit Wed 25-Oct-17 00:08:25

You didn't ask me, but I wouldn't send dd to a private school either, and we could comfortably afford it.

The reason? I just don't think it's worth the money tbh, and I'd rather save that money for DD's future. And yes, I want to enrich her life with other things like travel to interesting places.

I wouldn't criticise others for choosing private schools if that's what they want. I guess I'm just confident that I can support my dd well enough that she will fulfil her potential in the state sector, so spending thousands on a private education seems a bit pointless.

I do think it depends on the child though. I think some private schools can be very good for children who are lacking in confidence. I also think that the pushier environments might be good for those kids who are not that self-motivated. For my own dd, I think there would be very little, if any, benefit.

DaisyRaine90 Wed 25-Oct-17 00:12:38

Broken biscuit

We have factored in DCs education up to the end of University, as well as savings for them to help toward a house and car etc.

Music lessons and extra curricular activities are also factored in.

But I will have to wait --and may or may not ever--** get a nice car etc. Or to see the Northern Lights like I want to.

I understand your point though entirely x

Brokenbiscuit Wed 25-Oct-17 00:29:34

But I will have to wait --and may or may not ever--* get a nice car etc. Or to see the Northern Lights like I want to.*

Well, I could afford to buy a nice car tomorrow, but choose to drive an old banger instead. grin As long as it gets from A to B, I really don't care!

However, I will be prioritising a trip to the Northern Lights at some point in the near future! Ultimately, I guess it comes down to values and priorities, doesn't it?

For me, education is hugely important, but I went to Cambridge from my local comp and never once felt that any of my privately educated friends had benefitted from a better education than I had had.

However, I did feel that I hadn't benefitted from the same opportunities to travel as much as some of my peers, and it was therefore important to me to give dd those opportunities that I had never had.

We have been incredibly fortunate in the things that we have been able to do with dd on our various travels, and for me, those memories and experiences are priceless. However, that's probably because a great deal of my own learning and personal development has come about as a result of experiencing new things, crossing cultures and being pushed out of my comfort zone etc.

I don't think there is any one right way. At the end of the day, we all do the best that we can for our kids in the way that we think is best. Your family may never understand your decision to send your kids to an independent school, but ultimately, if you feel that it's a good investment, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

DaisyRaine90 Wed 25-Oct-17 00:34:13

I didn’t get fancy trips or a fee paying school growing up. I guess we are all just doing our best and doing things for our own reasons due to what we feel was good or bad from our own childhoods.

The one thing I do hope is my DCs have better self esteem than me and don’t feel the need for external validation.

Brokenbiscuit Wed 25-Oct-17 00:45:00

The one thing I do hope is my DCs have better self esteem than me and don’t feel the need for external validation.

Absolutely, it sounds like you have been trying to please your family for far too long! However, just remember that the confidence and self esteem will come largely from what happens at home in the family environment - please don't expect that the school will sort that for you (I'm sure you're not!). I think privately educated people can often come across as being very self-assured, but judging by the people I know, they're no more likely than the rest of us to have real inner confidence and self esteem. I think that depends on a very complex recipe, but I'm pretty sure it starts with the parents!

DaisyRaine90 Wed 25-Oct-17 00:51:22

I hope I can help them to not be anxious like me and be more self sufficient I know that will come mostly from home though of course I am studying child development as part of my university course so do understand that of course x

Brokenbiscuit Wed 25-Oct-17 00:54:12

I grew up with a very anxious mother, OP, and it hasn't transferred to me, so it is

BenLui Wed 25-Oct-17 01:05:11

The topic of private education can be divisive.

If you’ve repeated the statement “why wouldn’t I send my child to the best I can afford” to your family then I can see why they might be peeved.

It implies (intentionally or not) that private education is better and that if people don’t choose it, it must be because they can’t afford it.

We could afford it easily, without giving up our lifestyle but we don’t believe in private education.

If you are happy with your choice that’s great but be careful about the word “best”.

Your family sound difficult, it’s not their business what you spend your money on. Just don’t discuss finances or the cost of things with them.

SpotAGuillemot Wed 25-Oct-17 01:08:36

My dm considers herself very left wing and alternative. She was outraged when I told her I was considering independent school rather than state for dc's. I pointed out she spent a fortune sending me to a Steiner primary, then shipped me off to boarding school to do my gcse's.

Apparently it was very different back then though hmm.

TrumpsWigmaker Wed 25-Oct-17 01:13:16


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