Persuade DD to change school

[MoreTeaVicar]

How can I subtly persuade my DD that changing schools for yr 8 would be a good move? We have visited a sch which I think could be better for her in terms of more opportunities, increase in choice of subjects etc it also seems to be more disciplined in terms of how they present themselves, dress etc in other words she will (i hope) turn our to be a little lady, BTW I know this sounds snobby but when you are paying for private ed you do want/expect the very best for your child. She is happy where she is and is doing ok although I do feel the sch do not push her enough and she is capable of doing better. Have spoken to the sch on various occasions over recent years but still I don't really see any changes. She does have a dear friend at the other sch but at the moment that is not swaying her to make a move. I would also be trying to move her from a mixed sch to an all girls, again I don't know if this is a good idea. I will not force her or put any pressure on DD but I can't help feeling the other sch may give her a better grounding. Any opinions or ideas would be so appreciated. Thanks for reading such a LONG thread.

[nothercules]

I think everyone wants and expects the best for their child...

I would tell her why you want her to change. Your reasons are very good and if she is sensible and you give her time she may well go with your choice.

[nothercules]

Has she visited the school? How about asking for a trial day there?

[snorkle]

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[MoreTeaVicar]

Yes, we have visited the school, once on open day and again a private tour, met head mistress etc. DD is sitting the entrance exam imminently as a matter of course as you never know if she will do well or not this year at current sch and if not then that would be every reason to change. Yes, I am also going to request a free trial day as her friend who is already there did this also. I might add her friend did not want to go to this other sch but seems fairly settled now. I think DD biggest problem is not wanting to leave friends behind but I do explain she will keep them and also make new ones if she does move. We have had a few discussions about moving and at the beginning of term she was agreeable, however as she has got used to year 7 at current sch she is now more reluctant to move. She says she doesn't know if she wants to move as she doesn't know what it would be like at the other school, totally understandable. I also wonder if she is mature enough to be able to make such an important decision, even with my input. I really do want her to be happy but I don't want her education compromised. FWIW I was allowed to choose my own senior sch and having since grown up am appalled that my parents could let me made such an enormous decision. My working life would have panned out so differently had I gone to the sch of my mothers choice and only since I grew up did I realise it would have been far better.

[SSShakeTheChi]

Hmm you don't want to come over the dictatorial parent but I don't think you need to subtly persuade her. You're the parent and you have to convince yourself first that this is what you really want. If you do want this school for dd and you really believe it will be best for her, be calm and firm about it but don't, I think, get into endless discussions on it.

Once they become teenagers, the peer group influence becomes very important as you know, so you need to feel comfortable with the whole school environment. If you do move her, you can be resolved to put yourself out to further new relationships and keep the old friendships alive.

If you kept her at her current school purely on the basis of friendships, what would happen (as it often does with teenagers) if say one good friend no longer wants to have much to do with your dd and another good friend moves away?

They won't all be going to the same university anyway, will they? Or for that matter be working in the same town or even country later.

Good luck with it.

[MoreTeaVicar]

Totally agree SSShakeTheChi, also her current sch is very small and cosy. She feels safe and comfortable whereas I think she needs a bigger world right now as she is still shy and lacking in confidence so what and I would like to think that encouraging her to move would help her break out a little. Also explained the friend thing too. She would without doubt also have a larger circle of friends at new sch.

[MoreTeaVicar]

Thanks Batters, I am hoping to change her to an all girls sch but only because I see it as having more opportunities for her. She is fine with the boys at current school and I think it is also a more 'normal' environment too but she is shy and she has confessed to being a bit shy in class because of the boys, even though she likes them and talks to them IYSWIM. Wish I had a crystal ball and could see the result of changing or not.

[justaphase]

My parents imposed their choise of school on me twice - once when I was 7 and the second time when I was 13. I took it very badly both times with tears and tantrums. The second time I locked myself in aroom and cried until I was sick.

I have to say they were right both times. It took me about two weeks to settle in both cases. Surprisingly, it was actually easier when I was older because I could go and visit my old school whenever I wanted and I could see that most of my friends had moved on too and the school was going downhill a bit.

It also taught me a lesson. The very reason they put me in that school was because I failed the entrance exams for our first choise of school despite private tuition etc. So the next time I had to sit entrance exams I made damn sure I worked really hard so that I can have things my way.

Another lesson I learned is that things change all the time. This has been very useful years later when making a decision to quit a job where I was feeling very comfortable.

Looking back now if I was in may parents' shoes I would have put more effort into selling the idea rather than just say "that's that - end of story". However, maybe they did try and I just erased it from my memory - I was a rebelious little monster.

Good luck.

[Judy1234]

Which school gets the better A level results and which gets most girls into Oxbridge year on year? Let's forget about the little lady things for a start.

[kslatts]

I think that it is really important for your dd to be happy at school, I would sit down and discuss it with her looking at all the pros and cons of changing school, I would leave the final decision to her.

I would prefer my dd's to go to mixed schools, but thats just my personal opinion.

[frances5]

Changing to an all girls school at the begining of year 8 is hard. I changed schools at the start of year 8 and I was desperately lonely. All the girls were in nasty little cliques and didnt want to know me. Teenage girls can be unbelivably nasty in girl schools compared to mixed schools. The level of bitchness in girls schools is just unbelivable.

If you child is doing reasonally well and there are no major problems why change?

[sunnysideup]

I agree with Xenia, I think you need to be clearer with yourself about what you want for her. I don't think she could feel clear or happy about a move unless YOU do.

What exactly will being a 'little lady' do for her in life? If you feel it will give her something significant then fine but I really wouldn't personally feel this is something we want to subscribe to for women in the future.

I also think you could consider whether it might be better for her to continue to feel settled and safe and whether she might gain more from her education because of that. And I don't even mean in A levels or Oxbridge, I mean in terms of her personal development and reaching her individual potential as a PERSON not just an oxbridge entrant or whatever.

I'm not trying to sway one way or the other I just think you need to think these things through, then you will feel clear and decided; because I do think this decision is down to you, not her. She's the child, you're in charge of important decisions like this. If she is unhappy with your decision then your role is to help and support her through that - I do think it's ducking the parenting issue if you leave it to her.

[MoreTeaVicar]

To clarify: The 'other' schools results are 'slightly' better. All girls means (hopefully) more choice of friendships. Different options available which I believe more suited to DD i.e. the sch leans more towards the arts and drama (DDs destiny).They do not tolerate sloppy appearances, hitched up skirts, makeup etc, this is a big issue to me personally and her current sch although do not accept such behaviour do not seem to do much in the way of deterring it either and as such some of the pupils are a mess. Nothing to do with education I agree but I would like the best possible environment for DD which does include adhered to discipline. Every year for the past 3 her teachers have all said she could do more and I know she is able but they just haven't seemed to have gotten anymore out of her. I may not be explaining this particularly well but when you are paying for ed you really do expect the best. I do agree I have the final say whether she moves or not be I also want to be fair to DD's happiness and not pressure he into something that makes her try less hard than she currently does. The head mistress at the other school has quite rightly said she would only like DD to attend her sch if she is willing and happy to come. You cant say fairer than that. However I do believe she wants to remain where she is purely because it is all she knows. She started pre sch at 2+, she is now 11+. We also failed at looking at alternative schools pre yr 7 for various other family commitments and I do believe we failed her then. Had we have done the rounds of looking elsewhere, she would most probably not be where she is today.

[beckybrastraps]

Does your dd see it as her destiny?

How do you sell it to her? The other school will make you a lady and help you to fulfil your artisitic destiny? What are her reasons for wanting to stay where she is?

[MoreTeaVicar]

The only reasons she is giving are: she will miss her friends (2 of them) and she knows the school! I think I am going to have to push and shove a little more.

[Judy1234]

At 11+ try her for a few schools and see which one she gets into and then pick the most academically strong but if there's not much difference in the one she is at from the other one and she doesn't want to go I can't see much point in moving her although I think it should be your decision, not hers. What does her father think?

[MoreTeaVicar]

DH is impartial to either school. The other school has slightly better results but as I said before, it is more geared to drama and the arts which is what DD is particularly interested in. Subjects and additional activities also out number what is available at her current sch. DD said last night that if other sch accepts her after entrance exam then she will go, she would enter for yr 8 (and be the only new girl ). Why do you snort at little lady remark Batters?

[hathead99]

I moved my DS(9) from his school at the beginning of this term because we were very disappointed with his previous school. He did go for a trial day which I think helped enormously. He is terribly shy but has already made new friends and is really enjoying the new school . I asked him if he missed anything about the old school and he said no! He still sees his old friends. At the end of the day you have to do what you think is best for your child.

[MoreTeaVicar]

Update, DD took the entrance exam and was REJECTED , I am devastated as I firmly believed it would be a great move for her. The school wrote and said it was because of her poor exam result! My DH thinks they are just using this as an excuse as during an interview with the head when she asked DD why she wanted to go to her school, DD replied, "I don't". We then had private talk with head and she said DD would have to want to go there etc as she would not like to take on a girl who felt she my not want to be there IYSWIM. Does anyone else think this exam thing is just a smoke screen? DD has since the exam had more time to think about it and is now really upset, saying she wants to go . Feeling so very low, as I said before academically there is not too much between her current sch and the one she has just been rejected from, I did however feel it would have nurtered her far better on a personal level. I can see the wood for the trees at the moment and only other sch I think would be good is so heavily subscribed, I don't think she would stand a chance of getting into (yr9) 2008 and I just cant stand the thought of her staying where she is.

[snorkle]

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[MoreTeaVicar]

Spoke to the sch who rejected her and they said her maths was so very poor, right at the very bttom! We told them maths was her weak subject and they said they would help, now they are rejecting her and saying it is too bad. I want to speak to her current sch and ask whats going on, etc why can my DD not pass exam to another private sch that is no more academic then the one she is at. She passed her sats, whats going on? DH does not want to quiz our head and says its not her fault.

[snorkle]

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[dinny]

is she happy at her current school, Moreteavicar? there are no guarantees she'd do any better academically at the other school - maybe you're going to have to adjust your expectations a bit...?