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"You do not say no to an adult" is it just me?

(16 Posts)
iknowimcoming Tue 08-Mar-16 09:46:20

I've recently started working as a TA in a reception/foundation class and last week heard another TA telling a child who can be a handful, "you do not say no to an adult", I don't know what she had said or done but the ta was very cross. It's not the first time I've heard it said in our class either. That phrase just doesn't sit right with me, is it just me? Don't get me wrong my kids know about respect etc and are well behaved but I also like to think if there was something they really didn't believe in they could stand up and say no if necessary (politely hopefully). It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Am I overreacting?

OutsSelf Tue 08-Mar-16 09:54:38

Yanbu, that is a spectacularly unhelpful thing to teach a child for safeguarding reasons. Raise it with the TAs line manager, saying you think there is a safeguarding issue with such a line/ policy then get on with your day. You just need to factual and professional and let the manager deal with it.

MrsJayy Tue 08-Mar-16 09:55:51

Doesnt sound right does it ? I get that they are trying to deal with challanging behaviour but surely saying that to such young children isnt the way to deal with it

BettyBi0 Tue 08-Mar-16 10:17:51

Yanbu. That's not the right message for kids to be hearing. Learning to be respectful at school is very different from blindly following someone just because they are an adult.

Quietwhenreading Tue 08-Mar-16 10:24:11

I was taught 'never to say no to an adult' and I can think of at least 3 serious situations where I absolutely should have said no.

In fact my parents later asked my why I didn't say no in regards to one of them. The problem was even at 13 yo the "don't say no" was still really, really ingrained.

I teach my children that it is absolutely OK to say 'no' as long as they are polite and are prepared to defend their position (to me, no one else) later on.

I suspect the TA in your case was responding to a cheeky "no I won't tidy up/come for reading/stop hitting Ptolemy though.

It is worth a word with the class teacher though.

LaurieLemons Tue 08-Mar-16 10:29:07

No not just you I would bring it up, I was brought up with all this crap. I'm sure they will agree in hindsight probably just a way of trying to get them to behave.

DolorestheNewt Tue 08-Mar-16 10:37:37

Sounds like the TA hasn't thought it through properly. I'd definitely follow it up, because as everyone has said it's desperately important that children know they can and should say no at the right times. But obvs in a kind way, not a punishing way. God, I'd be terrible at your job. I'd constantly be saying the wrong thing. You sound brilliant.

iknowimcoming Tue 08-Mar-16 10:37:37

Sorry if it wasn't quite clear, the situation itself wasn't sinister in anyway, the child had been extracted from a work group for what I assume was being rude to the teacher who I assume had asked the TA to remove child and speak to him about his behaviour, it's the actual phrase that bothers me for all the reasons you guys have said, thanks. I feel if my child came home from school and told me what they were told I would speak to the school about it. I will speak to my manager at an opportune moment. Thanks all!

iknowimcoming Tue 08-Mar-16 10:39:43

Dolores - lol, it can be a bit of a minefield, I've had no training other than parenthood and did catch myself the other day using the 'n' word (naughty) which is somewhat taboo!

iknowimcoming Tue 08-Mar-16 10:42:30

Have had safeguarding training - obvs! blush

MrsJayy Tue 08-Mar-16 10:47:46

If its an untrained job( thats not a dig btw) then id imagine its hard to deal with somethings. What the Ta could have said was Mrs x has asked you to do... now we have to leave the table or something ... the must do as adults say is very 1970s upbringing <bitter>

iknowimcoming Tue 08-Mar-16 10:56:55

The TA in question is highly qualified and has worked at the school for years, but I agree somethings are said parrot fashion out of habit and usually come from our own upbringing (I was horrified at some of the things that snuck out of my mouth when my kids were little, it was like I was possessed by my mother!)

MrsJayy Tue 08-Mar-16 11:00:52

I think speaking to your supervisor is the way to go

OutsSelf Tue 08-Mar-16 12:15:02

Oh, I think it's clear that the TA wasn't breaching any kind of safeguarding boundary, OP. But the problem with the blanket rule that children may not say no to adults is that in safeguarding situations, a child who feels they are unable to say no to adults is made vulnerable. Which is very serious for that child. The TA is potentially making the child more vulnerable to unsafe adults, is what I'm saying, not that the TA is an unsafe adult.

MrsJayy Tue 08-Mar-16 12:22:14

Yeah Im sure she is fine at her job but there is different ways to get the message over

roguedad Thu 10-Mar-16 21:16:11

OP - you are not over-reacting. A school should rather teach a child the different situations when obedience is expected and when it is absolutely the right thing to say no to an adult. I probably erred on the side of giving my own kids a bit too much leeway saying no! They are a bit (ok a lot) mouthy but no-one will ever talk them into doing something inappropriate. I find it a bit worrying that the TA concerned is said to be highly qualified and experienced - with a less experienced person you could imagine they are still learning ways of dealing with kids being difficult. Here's a suggestion - you could talk about recently deceased former 1st lady Nancy Reagan and her "Just say No" campaign on kids being persuaded to take drugs. It's a possible way of making the point. Just a thought.

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