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How to with being jealous of friends' clever kids...

(96 Posts)
Addictedtocheddar Sat 13-Dec-14 20:21:16

Wasn't sure where to put this grumble really...parenting/education/aibu

DS is 3.5 and very spirited. Chatty, full of energy and i think he is cute ( mummy love). He doesn't seem to have any concentration span ( except for books being read or sometimes duplo) and actively rejects suggestions of reading, mark making, counting or anything vaguely 'active learning' related. He goes to a good nursery 4 days a week and is in the preschool room now. He knows numbers up to about 20 and letters and colours etc. I wasn't too concerned about him at all until all his little buddies who are my friends kids started preschool and suddenly seem to be loving phonics, writing unaided (admittedly a process), doing simple maths etc etc . We went to a lovely xmas party this morning which i really enjoyed until all the others sat down and wrote out xmas cards for one another. DS refused to even try, despite my attempts. One mummy told me her DD (same age) is in te gifted group at her preschool.

Why am i suddenly filled with extreme jealousy?mwhy do i suddenly feel my child is incredibly stupid and i feel frustrated he won't even try and do these things? Why would this matter anyway but somehow suddenly feels importat?

I feel like a bad mummy to have these feelings. Lots of frustration though he wont try and i dont want him to be labelled as bellw average v
Before even starting school. I had no worries he wasnt normal /average until very recently.

Anyone felt like this? Anyone else got over it? Tips? Any help gratefully recieved.

Addictedtocheddar Sat 13-Dec-14 20:22:02

Oops 'deal' should be in thread title - sorry

listed Sat 13-Dec-14 20:25:52

Gifted? At 3.5?

Smirk and move on. He's a baby. Who cares who's mark making and who isn't?

TheFirstOfHerName Sat 13-Dec-14 20:26:58

Firstly, children develop at different rates. The ones who are advanced at 4 will not necessarily be the ones who are advanced at 14.

Secondly, there are many areas people can be gifted in. The ones like being able to write early seem more valued when you are Nursery or Reception age. The ones that will be more valued in adult life are completely different: being a good listener, perseverance, working well as part of a team, creative originality etc.

cece Sat 13-Dec-14 20:28:54

Smile and nod at these people. It says more about them than you that they need to 'boast' about this sort of stuff about a 3 year old.

Then enjoy your perfectly fun and normal pre schooler...

coppertop Sat 13-Dec-14 20:29:15

There's a preschool with a gifted group? confused

I've never heard of that before.

LeopardInABobbleHat Sat 13-Dec-14 20:30:04

'Gifted Group' hmm

That's a preschool that's up itself and is to be avoided. As are Christmas parties where 3 yr olds sit down and write their own cards.

TeenAndTween Sat 13-Dec-14 20:35:06

Try to relax. Don't take it personally.

There will almost always be children 'cleverer' than yours.
And almost always children 'less clever'.

Those who are top sometimes don't learn how to learn, and can come unstuck later when stuff gets hard.

My DD2 struggles at school. But she is far nicer (though I say it myself) than a number of the brighter children.

Some children are slow starters but then catch up.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Sat 13-Dec-14 20:39:57

Sorry can't help, my dd is the same age as yours and is fantastically gifted - she's just completed her degree at Oxford. We are very proud.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Sat 13-Dec-14 20:43:35

Sorry couldn't resist.

Dd us the same age as your ds and is doing exactly the same as your ds.

I think it's human nature to compare your child with similar kids or ones doing "better" than yours. Just try and remember there are kids cleverer than him and less clever too.

Oh I'm another one who is a bit hmm at gifted set in preschool

iseenodust Sat 13-Dec-14 20:43:55

Your DS sounds fab. Sounds like some of your friends have a 'flash cards' mentality which is a choice... A party of 3 & 4 year olds where the DC's preference is to sit and write cards ? Suggests a lack of fun games & giggles. Do not be envious, be confident in your parenting style.

Want2bSupermum Sat 13-Dec-14 20:44:18

Take no notice. DD is the same age and was taking her clothes off at the Christmas party this week. Sitting down to do cards!!!! I would be thrilled if DD sat at a table.

leelteloo Sat 13-Dec-14 20:44:54

Your post made me cross and sad for everything that is going wrong in the childhood of children these days. Hot housing preschoolers; really, seriously? Does your Ds make a good mid pie or jump in puddles with precision? Let the bloody kids be kids!!!!

pootlebug Sat 13-Dec-14 20:47:57

He is perfectly normal/average from your description. Your friends hot-housed children….not so much. Doesn't mean that they will achieve well later, or that they will be particularly happy.

ILoveSimonCowell Sat 13-Dec-14 20:48:34

Do try and ignore them. All children are different and you will always love your own unconditionally - whatever their levels of intelligence! My DC wasn't ready for school at age 4.3! There were girls there who were 5 in the first week who could write (quite) nicely, knew all the letters, and even count! They say by Year 3/4 boys/girls and birthdays have all caught up and they are all roughly on a level. In my experience, that has been completely true. Please don't worry. My DC was TERRIBLE in reception. Now, 5 years on, is not top of the class, but in the top half and is doing very well and is very happy.

roisin897 Sat 13-Dec-14 20:50:05

Oh dear, what tosh. I do feel sorry for those children. lots of children - including my ds1 - are not interested in "mark making" or even holding a pencil at that age, they're just not ready for it.

Itsfab Sat 13-Dec-14 21:01:37

You are lovely.
Your son is adorable.
These mothers are show offs/insecure/cows.
Their children are lovely.

Tvseemstobemyhobby Sat 13-Dec-14 21:02:36

My DD1 went to a playgroup/preschool for 2 years before starting Reception in September. Her pre school "played" they of course had to follow early years guidelines but really didn't concentrate on letters or numbers. Great. My thoughts are that our children are in school learning for far too many years and I wanted her to play for as long as possible.

A friends DD,same age, was at a private nursery doing phonics since the age of 2. Teacher just said at Parents Evening she's behind where she should be on phonics!!!

A year ago had I known they were doing phonics stuff I might have worried. I didn't so I didn't.

Cv's will never show what age someone could write their names!!! But they may give an indication that their parents were complete idiots grin

OfficerKaren Sat 13-Dec-14 21:09:59

Your child sounds normal. Please don't think this means much.

We are a long time living. Think about the subject of reading - what's your long term goal? A confident reader I would guess. If you enjoy reading books to him , telling stories, reminding him of what happened today and yesterday and last week and making it sound exciting, then you are laying the foundations for the future reader right there!

One of my family was a whizz at Grammar School but has never read beyond Mills and Boon since I've known her - has actually said she thinks buying books a waste of money! Another was a struggler at primary, (a special school was suggested as this was decades ago!) but now is the best read and coincidentally the most successful in terms of career of us all. He has a curiosity and energy that's inspiring.

Enjoy the lovely ways of your DS. He sounds brilliant! Encourage that zest for life it might take him far!

itsnothingoriginal Sat 13-Dec-14 21:11:58

At the same age I was pretty jealous of parents whose kids could walk properly and be understood when they spoke (my dd not being able to at the time). My experience has taught me a lot about what to be truly grateful for. From the friends I have with very gifted children, I'm not sure it's always an easy thing to deal with!

FriedFishAndBread Sat 13-Dec-14 21:18:35

I understand how to feel completely!

My ds couldn't read, write his name (he could manage a t) and was full of energy.

He's now in year 3 and top group at everything, his maths reading, writing, spelling ect ect is all amazing. Somehow he has got an attention span and the want to do the best he can.

I know this is a very unmumsnetty thing to say but boys are different from girls, they develop slower with attention span tasks and have more energy. (Shoot me down now but it's true and I work in a school I see it everyday)

beanandspud Sat 13-Dec-14 21:20:06

Please don't worry. DS was very similar. At nursery he loved numbers, counting, construction, cars, trains, talking, getting dirty, racing around on a trike, digging, climbing and listening to stories.

He had no interest in phonics, drawing, colouring, mark-making, singing, dressing up, role playing. A lot of friends had children that went to a nursery attached to a school or a preschool and reported their children reading and writing.

I had to keep telling myself that all children are different, prefer different things and develop in different ways.

DS is now at school, he is exceptionally good at maths and spelling, pretty good at reading and handwriting but can't be bothered writing stories (particularly if there is something else going on).

Other children in his class are better at writing, drama, music... It would be a terribly sad world if everyone was gifted at everything.

JustRichmal Sat 13-Dec-14 21:46:25

I think the trick to having children achieving to the best of their ability is to be happy with their success and not to compare them with others; you will always find examples of where your child is behind. Einstein never had a symphony published and Mozart never had a law of physics named after him.

I am one of the mums who do believe in educating from as soon as they can understand, but then I enjoyed thinking of how to make learning fun. Basically it takes more listening to a child and less telling them facts than those who assume any teaching is hot housing would think.

wigglybeezer Sat 13-Dec-14 21:55:06

I thought this was going to be a thread about exam results! Get a grip OP or it will get a lot worse.

JustRichmal Sat 13-Dec-14 22:10:55

wigglybeezer, don't go on the gifted and talented section, your system could not stand it.

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