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Autistic Behaviours- WARNING LETTER - But i'm not told....again!

(22 Posts)
mrsforgetful Tue 24-Feb-04 23:27:06

Today ds2 (to me anyway) clearly (again) demonstrated he has an ASD.
And agin he told me he'd had a 'step' warning letter and yet though i hung around waiting to recieve it- no approach from any teacher!

It all started at carpet time in literacy- he had been warned to 'control himself' and hadn't managed - so had to leave the group and have 'time out' at a table alone. Then for some reason he started doing the 'CAN CAN'- no i am not joking.

Now to me i should have been told about this- he was given the 'final warning' due to his 'lack of remorse'

When i met him from school he blurted all this out without my prompting right in front ds3's teacher- i said to her i did not know what to say anymore- i felt like giving up etc. that teacher then said "It's probably out of his control"....she's head of primary years...so is that finally and admission that they are 'seeing' him differently?

At home i asked him about why he'd not said sorry- he said that they didn't give him chance- i said he should still say sorry even if a warning letter is done- he said that no-one reminded him to like i do at home. So.....MY understanding is that he is waiting to be told to apologise- now THEY would see that as 'bad'- however with autism you find that just because a child can 'say the right thing' in a given situation that they are then unable to apply it to every other situation when for example 'sorry' would 'make things better'- eg if he smacks his brother and i demand he apologise he will do it- then he will do it again in 5 minutes time-with no sorry- when i ask him if he remembers me telling him to say sorry earlier- he will say something like 'but i 'only' smacked his arm THIS time, or that was because.....etc....now can seem like a child trying to wiggle out with excuses- but believe me it is not- and this at school 'proves' it- almost as if i have 'trained' him so well to say sorry at home (with prompting) that he cannot do it without prompting . Sooooo i feel a bit that i've made things worse- however-if the school are reseptive i can suggest they try my strategy to tackle this 'lack of remorse ' as they call it

Ie...if he's 'naughty' they need to say 'nows your chance to make things better and apologise'- he may then say it was not his fault (because..."it's out of his control" then they need to 'check he understands ' what he has done 'wrong' as o belive he genuinely has no idea immediately that he is 'being naughty'- then if he still will not apologise- then he needs a 3rd 'option to make the right choice' and apologise- and then he needs to be specifically told that "YOU did this....,which made me feel....,it would have been a good choice to say 'sorry' however now we will have to send home a Red Letter.....anyone familiar to the use of SOCIAL STORIES will recognise this- i handle most dissruptions at home like this

So tomorrow i will not mention it to school- i want to see if they do approach me- i have asked our paed to contact me urgently - and left a short summary of todays events- and if the school do not approach me (i wrote a 'letter of concern'the week before halfterm and they therefore know i am questioning their 'school/home communication'- then i will send a copy of the 'letter of concern' to the govenors with an update to include today's event- and a 'deadline' after which i will 'go official!'

coppertop Wed 25-Feb-04 10:37:33

Only just spotted this, MrsF. As you know, I don't have any school-age children but surely the school should be informing parents if they have given their child warnings? The fact that you have already told them (in writing) about your concerns about ds2 should, IMO, make this even more important!

I think I would expect to me told about this kind of thing even if it had happened to my NT child, never mind one who was already having problems. Their home-school communication sounds pretty non-existent. Do they really expect a 7yr old to tell you everything???

Davros Wed 25-Feb-04 10:39:20

They sound completely out of touch with the effects of autism and, if he's in their care, its up to them to learn about it or, more important, at least learn about HIM. Do you write notes to them about how to deal with certain situations? e.g. if he is expected to apologise he needs to be prompted and this is how......... without mentioning the specific situation, although they'd be able to guess what prompted you to write it. I'm sure you do this and, if they still don't pay attention there's not much more you can do. I think you should "go official", have you set yourself a deadline?

mrsforgetful Wed 25-Feb-04 12:07:51

Yes- if nothing is 'fed back' to me by tomorrow hometime- then friday i am posting my 'letter of concern' to the govenors- i AM lucky there as the SN govenor is a mum who has took her kids out of that school.....and has a 'special' interest in helping parents 'sort out the school '!!!Off i go now to bring ds2 hom mor his lunch!

Jimjams Wed 25-Feb-04 19:49:33

Good luck mrsf

suzywong Wed 25-Feb-04 19:52:07

What is ASD?

coppertop Wed 25-Feb-04 20:17:09

ASD = Autistic Spectrum Disorder, which is the 'official' name for autism. HTH

suzywong Wed 25-Feb-04 20:28:28

Would Asperger's Syndrome be on this spectrum or does that have one of its own?

coppertop Wed 25-Feb-04 20:35:13

That's one of the big debates in the world of autism. It's usually seen as being part of the autistic spectrum but a lot of people with Aspergers (AS) think of it as being a completely different condition. Some doctors will diagnose younger children as autistic but when they get older will re-diagnose it as AS. It's all very confusing and I find it hard to understand too. I think even the specialists are unable to agree!

Davros Wed 25-Feb-04 21:11:09

I would put Aspergers as part of the autistic spectrum. I have a friend whose 7 year old son has just been rediagnosed as AS having been ASD since he was 2 or so. In my mind, therefore, they are part of the same thing. My AS sister also has so many autistic "traits" but is definitely AS. Officially I think its all ASD but the Aspies movement can be quite militant on certain topics

suzywong Wed 25-Feb-04 21:12:58

Thanks

mrsforgetful Thu 11-Mar-04 09:49:57

we had 'parent's evening' last night and i was very angry that despite having written to the Head/Senco about my 'concerns' that none of the teachers had been 'consulted' by the head......the 'see-the-good-in-everyone' part of me says that maybe the head has not been given the letter and it's been sat in an 'in-tray' for the past 4 weeks......however....seeing as the Paed has ccontacted me folling her copy of the letter.....and has spoken to the school.....then really i know deep down she must have read the letter.
So i outlined the concerns to the relevant teachers and asked that they refer to the head about the letter.

I also spoke to ds3's teacher who is also Head of Infants....and have now got 'the O.K' to talk to her 1st and she will 'lias' with the Head as i find her so unapproachable. ds3's teacher also is very understanding of SEN as she was the SENCO/Head of a specialist unit attatched to mainstream in her last post- so though she is 'only' (!!!!) a Head of Infants...she is happy to assist in my difficulties with 10 yr old ds1 too- even thoug he's in the junior part of the school- she said that even if she has to tell me i HAVE to speak to the head direct- she will ALWAYS go to her first to 'prepare the way' if that will make it easier for me....so i feel a bit better now!

Davros Thu 11-Mar-04 10:38:34

Bloody hell! After working up to writing the letter, putting it all down on paper, sneaking it into the school......... she's just ignored it! I think that is the WORST thing anyone can do in any situation, just ignore someone or something, its so rude for a start. Hope you get some progress now you've been able to speak direct to the teachers and have the (only) Head of Infants on side.

mrsforgetful Fri 12-Mar-04 10:22:29

Assuming that the Head has been 'spoken' to by one of the teachers....and even if she hasn't......as let's not forget that the teacher i asked to 'prompt' the head is DS2's teacher....and we know how great her communication skills are......then what i think i HAVE to do next is simply send a copy of THE letter direct to the LEA!!!!

The head has seen me twice around the office area- and not once did she speak....now she normally says 'Hello Mrs X'....so i tend to think she HAS read my letter and HATES me for having copied it to the other agents involved with me and the boys.....however i have the middle name of PARANOID ....so is possible this is all in my head!!!

Seriously....if ds2's teacher has 'forgot' to prompt the head....that is not MY fault...so if it's the LEA that 'prompt' her then noone can say i have been hasty.

DS2 has been reffered for a SALT assesment (ref possible 'official' assement for ASD!!!) and this followed the Paed reading the same letter that the school had- so I would be amazed if the Paed had not spoken to the Head/senco......so again....trying to justify my next step....!!!!!

However- even the Outreach Team have not contacted me either......it will be 3 weeks on moday since they should have recieved the letter..... so i feel even an acknowledgement would have been great.

Still.... Onwards and Upwards!

coppertop Fri 12-Mar-04 10:40:39

MrsF - I don't think it would be overreacting for you to contact the LEA. You've given the Head every possible chance to discuss things with you and you are still being ignored. Maybe the LEA's involvement will give her a nudge (or a good hard kick!) in the right direction. Ignoring parents concerns like this is just not acceptable IMO.

Davros Fri 12-Mar-04 10:51:57

Agree with Coppertop. Don't worry about upsetting her (you may have already anyway ). Its your son that's more important and if she hasn't got the good manners to let you deal with it through her then she doesn't deserve any consideration.

mrsforgetful Fri 12-Mar-04 21:54:00

i keep wondering if the letter has not been 'found' as i handed it to the secratary....and that if i go to the LEA then i will have to eat masses of humble pie and apologise profusly if she hasn't been given it.....however DH says that is NOT my problem and the fact that i physically handed it to her secratary is good enough....it's not like i posted it under the doorway!!!!

coppertop Fri 12-Mar-04 22:00:55

Your dh is right. It's not your fault if the secretary didn't pass it on to the Head. If that's really what happened (and it's unlikely really) then it will let the Head see that her secretary isn't doing her job properly. I know that secretaries do, to a certain extent, 'filter' the incoming correspondence and deal with the little things by themselves, but your letter definitely didn't fit into that category. Besides, the reason you wrote the letter and handed it to the secreyary in the first place was BECAUSE the Head was so unapproachable.

Davros Sat 13-Mar-04 11:30:27

How about taking another copy to the secretary and asking her if she gave it to the Head? Have the extra copy ready in case she didn't give it to her or it got mislaid. However, strongly suspect the Head has ignored it.....

mrsforgetful Sun 14-Mar-04 15:23:55

Well....a letter arrived in the post yesterday....and basically she referrs to ds2's SPLD assessment being very useful and invites me to discuss ds2's problems with a named teacher ...and the best i got from that is that she said 'ds2's problems' -rather than 'your concerns'...therefore hopefully implying that she agrees he does have problems....rather than previously when it was hinted that I was 'triggering' it all by focussing on his problems!!!

And ANNOYINGLY (but playing straight into my hands!) she refers to ds1's provision as that she is reviewing it but says that he is 'beneffiting from being in a smaller clas every morning as all the yr 6's in his clas (he is yr5) go to a 'booster' session....meaning the class remaining is greatly reduced in size......therefore the teacher can support him more....WELL!! NOT good enough! As all the other 20 yr5 kids benefit too----that to me is NOT supporting a child with Aspergers....and it still ignores the fact that on his IEP he is allocated 20 mins daily 'supported' ....hope this makes sense- i'm angry typing it!!!!!!

coppertop Sun 14-Mar-04 22:24:59

What planet is this woman on??? (The Head, not you, MrsF! ) Yes it's nice that your ds is no longer having to spend all his class time with Yr5 AND Yr6 children, but it's not the same as giving him proper support!

I would keep the letter safe (laminating it is optional! ) as evidence of what the school believes is 'support'.

mrsforgetful Wed 17-Mar-04 01:36:53

SHE...actually spoke to me today....strange that....proves SHE was avoiding me the past 4 weeks!! (as i still have not got my laminater....had to put in in a clear document wallet!!! )

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