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My ds does not want to go to nursery!!!!!!

(17 Posts)
Demon Tue 10-Feb-04 13:21:30

Any suggestions? My ds who will be 4 in September was given a place at nursery a couple of weeks ago as there was a spare place. Until then he had gone to the local playgroup 3 mornings a week without any problems at all. This week should be his third week there and he doesn't want to go. What should I do? Do I force him to go? Do I tell the nursery we don't want the place and put him back in to playgroup?

He has been a little bit under the weather recently with a cold and at first I thought that was the reason he didn't want to go, but now I'm not so sure. The nursery is at the local school where his brother goes and his brother did go to that nursery. I have to pay to send him to the playgroup the last 6 week term cost me £63 and I am a SAHM.

I would value any comments.

Demon Tue 10-Feb-04 16:23:13

Fizog Tue 10-Feb-04 16:24:55

Can you stay with him for a few sessions?

LIZS Tue 10-Feb-04 16:32:16

Has he actually been yet ? Can he articulate why he doesn't want to go ? Probably the thought of change is worse than the reality. Could you arrange to drop in for a visit together so he can visualise the routines, meet the staff and locate things like the toilets. If he is still refusing to go again afterwards then perhaps leave it and wait until he is more ready, may be at the start of the School Year when many of his playgroup friends might move on anyway.


nutcracker Tue 10-Feb-04 16:38:31

The only problem is that if you don't make him go then he'll never want to go. My dd suddenly went through a phase of not wanting to go to nursery and would cling to my legs kicking and screaming. The teacher said that i was quite welome to take her home but then she'd probably never come back. I persisted, even though it left me in tears some days. A friend who worked there said that she would stop crying after a couple of minutes anyway and was then fine for the rest of the day. Within a few weeks she was really looking forward to nursery.
Must be tough on your ds though if he's the only new one.

Demon Tue 10-Feb-04 16:59:43

Thanks. As you can see from the replies, they are conflicting and that is exactly my dilema! He has been before for nearly two weeks and then decided he didn't want to go. He also does know some of the children as he went to playgroup and Mums and Tots with some. The nursery is attached to the school where his big brother goes, whom we have collected since ds in question was born. So the place is not exactly unfamiliar. It's only afternoon sessions as well, so he's not there all day. Can anyone else give me their experiences? Thanks to those who replied!!

suedonim Tue 10-Feb-04 18:38:04

Have you checked out that nothing untoward has happened to put him off and that he knows how to use the loo and so on? Dd went off playgroup after she got bitten by another child!

Is he really, really upset at going or is it a 'token protest' and he settles down fine once you've left? My experience of taking a distressed child out of playgroup or nursery has been the opposite of Nutcracker's. With two of mine I found that a term's break has made all the difference to them going back happily. HTH

hana Tue 10-Feb-04 18:46:06

My dd goes to a nursery ( only when I work) and every morning when we're getting ready she says 'I don't want to go to nursery today'. Every day I work the same thing. I say 'Well, lets just say hello and then see how you're feeling' or 'Well we'll go and say hi to Julie (keyworker)' All the way there getting in and out of the carseat and even walking up to the door. Once inside she gets a bit distracted and I have to say the staff there have helped out by helping her to get distracted - taking her away , showing her something she did the day before or something she hasn't seen. I'm quite lucky as this has worked so far. Have you tried asking the staff there to help you out? Maybe to meet his specially at the gates?
Good luck hope you get lots of good advice here

roisin Tue 10-Feb-04 19:02:28

Here's two experiences, don't know if they will help your tricky decision-making:

At age 2.5 ds1 went to playgroup. He didn't cry when I left him, but he was always crying when I picked him up. And over 4 wks (8 sessions) it got worse, not better. We dropped it, gave him a break, and he went straight in - no problems - 9 months later.

Recently at age 4-and-a-bit ds2 was a bit under the weather, and took to saying "I don't want to go to school today" every day before going. He didn't make a big fuss about it, went it quite happily, and was fine there all day, and came out happy. His protests lasted about 3 weeks, and disappeared with the cough/cold. (We completely ignored the protests).

It may be your ds is just not ready for nursery and their approach, and would be better waiting til September. It may be that he's just 'trying it on'. Do they have lots of 3 yr-olds, or are they mainly geared to older children?

Coddy Tue 10-Feb-04 19:22:10

I think he is either tired by the afternoon - are you doing tooo much in the morning, or he forgets he is going to go until he arrives there and so gigs his heels in or you are maybe listening to him too much!

I agree with hana s approach and would go in say goodbye and run

If you give in now he will be awful at school

Give it time - it will sort itself out

Coddy Tue 10-Feb-04 19:24:45

Now why am I under the impression thatit is in the afternnon? Doh! sorry

tamum Tue 10-Feb-04 19:28:47

Erm, because Demon said so at 4:59:43, maybe, Coddy?

tamum Tue 10-Feb-04 19:29:14

(agree with what you said BTW)

Coddy Tue 10-Feb-04 20:24:29

thought I had read it somewhere, then re read it ( the first post ) and thought I had flipped!

bunny2 Wed 11-Feb-04 08:48:05

Demon, ds goes to pre-school 2 mornings a week (he's 4 in May and will start school in Sept). He took a while to settle in and we had the hysterics on the way there, clinging and crying when I tried to go. Then he settled for a while but now he is back to not wanting to go. He always tells me he doesnt feel well and protests loudly with lots of tears. It used to upset me but he is fine once I have gone and always has a lovely time there (he tells me this when I pick him up). I am glad I have persevered otherwise this problem may well carry through to "proper" school.

Are there any children there that are making him unhappy? Ds never wants to go to one particular mums and tots group as there is a thuggish kid going round hitting others including ds.

Demon Wed 11-Feb-04 13:37:46

Thanks for all your posts of experiences. The nursery that he goes to includes some of last years playgroup children that he met for a few months last year, so they are not all total strangers.

He goes to Playgroup on a Wednesday morning and this morning did not want to go to that either!! I think that I am going to have to try and take him to nursery tomorrow and see how it works out. It's their last day for nine days so hopefully after that he will be better and back to normal. If however he doesn't settle after that then I will see if they will take him back at playgroup and then tackle nursery in September again.

Has anyone had their child start nursery as early as this and have they found any problems with doing so? Please let me know.

Many many thanks

aloha Wed 11-Feb-04 14:09:30

My ds started crying at nursery after seeminly settling. He just wasn't himself at all and the crying lasted two weeks (6mornings) and one of the staff basically told me it was my fault for being overprotective. Then he came out in chickenpox. Ilness can make them unwilling to go IMO.

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