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urgent help! My mother is moving house and area - and I'm still in the middle of my a levels

(24 Posts)
kzjm9669 Mon 27-May-13 16:52:30

I need advice from smart adults - not silly people with no knowledge from Yahoo Answers smile

First - my mum is moving to a completely different area (around 110 miles away from London (where we live) our house is sold, haven't found a house yet, and I'm still in college

I'm in year 12 going to year 13, my little sister is in year 6 going to year 7, so she's hardly affected by this move

I, however am. I've looked into the area where my mum wants to move, a few colleges do a levels, and the ones that do - I don't meet their entry requirements. My mum wants me to go to the local sixth form school, and I don't meet their entry requirements either, the other college she wants me to go to only do vocational course, and I don't want to do btec courses, and I like my current a level subjects

However, I can always stay with my dad or uncle & aunt here, they said I can - but my mum will put her foot down and not allow it.

Do I have a right to stay here if I don't want to move? I know the age to move out without parents permission is 18, but I'm almost (let's just say I am) 17. Also, is my mum allowed to move me away without my dad's permission? (My mum doesn't have custody over me or anything, but she has said he isn't allowed to visit when we move)

Sorry if it's all out of context, but I'm really stuck and I really need help! Thank you in advance

McKayz Mon 27-May-13 16:54:20

I am pretty sure you can move out at 16 legally. I know people who moved away to go to college straight from their GCSEs.

CointreauVersial Mon 27-May-13 16:58:04

You mum is being a little selfish, it would seem.....

At your age, I'm pretty sure you can stay with your dad or a relative without her permission, and stay in London, but it would be better for you both if you can resolve this amicably.

piprabbit Mon 27-May-13 16:58:20

According to Childline, here, you can leave home without parental consent once you are 16yo. Your mum can't put her foot down, although it would be a shame not to try and negotiate a compromise solution and keep communication open between you all.
Good luck.

tribpot Mon 27-May-13 17:03:12

I don't think you need your mum's permission to leave home now that you are 16 (at least according to this) but you would not qualify for benefits to support you in living separately. Is your dad offering to fund you?

I can certainly see why you don't want to move - does your mum know what you've found out about the lack of options for you to continue your current course?

Phineyj Mon 27-May-13 17:10:20

Are your uncle and aunt on your mum's or dad's side? Could they reason with her on your behalf? If not is there a family friend or teacher who cold speak to her? I am a sixth form teacher & I would not encourage a student who is doing well to change schools at 17 (if they needed a fresh start, maybe). Is there some urgent factor that means your mum must move now (new job etc)? For what it's worth it would probably be possible to negotiate with the new schools/colleges if your AS grades turn out well and your attendance is good, but the disruption seems silly if presumably you will then be studying or training somewhere at 18.

peanutbuttercookie Mon 27-May-13 17:13:01

Have you got in touch directly with the colleges in the area your mum is moving to, or the sixth form? Their entry requirements might be strict but they could be flexible if you explain your situation. Or you could look a bit further afield at colleges just outside of the area - you'd face a long commute but it might allow you to stick to the subjects you're currently taking.

You could also consider A Levels by distance learning, although that could be quite isolating if you're in a new area. You could sit the exams as an external student at one of the local colleges. But I think you might have to pay for distance learning courses. There are online schools such as Interhigh which might be an option.

Legally you can choose to live with your other relatives once you're 16, and if you're still studying they'd be able to claim child benefit/tax credits for you. But you couldn't get benefits in your own name. And I suspect it would damage your relationship with your mother if you made that choice, although it sounds like she's not really taking your needs into account.

kzjm9669 Mon 27-May-13 17:20:59

Well, I plan to get a part-time job if I'm living with my dad, he's constantly working, so he's hardly home anyway - he gives me money every week, he said if I live with him, that money can be used towards gorceries. I told my mum about the vocational college, she didn't seem to be happy - I haven't told her about the sixth form school (mainly cause I don't want her to moan about my poor GCSE grades haha)

LoopyLooplaHoop Mon 27-May-13 17:25:46

You are likely to come across a further obstacle if you move, in that the exam boards might be different from the ones you are currently studying for. If this is the case, you might have to consider going back into y12.

Phineyj Mon 27-May-13 17:29:30

Your AS grades trump GCSE grades, assuming they are better.

senua Mon 27-May-13 17:35:36

I totally understand that you are concentrating on short-term problems at the moment, but can I ask what your medium-term plans are? i.e. after Y13.

Cerisier Mon 27-May-13 17:35:57

OP I am sorry to hear you are having to cope with all this worry during your AS exams.

Given that your relatives have offered you a place to stay and there isn't anywhere suitable in the new town it is very selfish of your mother to demand you move.

Never mind worrying about damaging your relationship with her, she is doing that by not being remotely helpful about your education.

I think you need to talk to your dad and look at all the helpful links above with regard to funding.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 27-May-13 17:36:30

Go and stay with your dad until your exams are over.

You can have a BABY at 16! You do not need your mother's permission to leave home! You have the right to choose to move in with your dad and I suggest that's what you do.

She is also being unfair to try to cut you off from your father - Saying that he isn't allowed to visit you when you move? (assuming there is no other story here that you are not aware of).

Your mum is choosing to move, that's up to her. But she can't insist that you go with her if you feel that by doing so, it's going to screw up your a levels.

Perhaps say that you will stay where you are in order to complete your A levels, with a view to moving down to join her once they are complete?

But you need to talk to her about this idea about your father not being allowed to visit. It's important to see him. (again, with the above disclaimer)

ivykaty44 Mon 27-May-13 17:43:16

legally at around 11 years old roughly you can go and live with your other parent if you wish to - a court would not allow you to be forced to live with the other parent

therefore your mum can stamp her feet all she likes but she will not win this one - she will though cause great anguish to you and your sister.

Could a relation on your maternal side help you speak to your mum and act as a type of mediator?

ivykaty44 Mon 27-May-13 17:48:55

what is the pastoral care like at the school you go to know? Could you talk to someone at the school - a head of year or deputy head and get their advise and guidance?

at the end of the day you can leave home and go and live with your mum and there is nothing she can do, the police the school ss wouldn't be interested and in fact they would tell her she is lucky, very lucky that you are not a runaway or living in a squat with drug addicts etc.

But you probably need to take on the adult role and do damage limitation and let her know you will not be coming with her when she moves - if that is not what you want to do.

Shodan Mon 27-May-13 17:51:43

This is exactly what happened to me (albeit 20-something years ago). I moved out at age 17, initially staying with a friend and then in a shared house. My mother tried to insist that I couldn't move out, but in fact it was perfectly legal- and still is.

If you can move in with your Dad, I would do that. You will be fine.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 27-May-13 17:59:16

I second going to your school for some advice. On the basis of what you say, you need to stay with your aunt and uncle.

In the first instance, try to talk calmly with your mum about why you feel staying is best for you and how this doesn't in any way reflect how much you love her. Would it help to write it down in a letter?

Good luck x

kzjm9669 Mon 27-May-13 18:30:52

Ironically, my mum is moving to get a better education for my little sister - also so she doesn't have to pay a mortage. No one in my family agrees with it (I'm disconnected from my mum's side of the family, I'm only close to my dad's side) My dad doesn't agree with it cause of my education. My aunt doesn't agree with it all together - my uncle agrees, but is concerned about the education side. It's more difficult for me to get into these colleges, because (depending on my grades) I'm dropping 2 of my as subjects, continuing with the other 2 and doing 2 new as levels - if I do really well for the two a2 subjects, I can go to uni, otherwise, I will repeat year 13 to get 4 a levels. My plan would be to live with my dad, go and visit my mum and my sister during holiday and term time - then if I get into the university where she's moving to - I can go and live with her there (obviously, I wouldn't completely move to be disconnected with my sister and mum). I can try and ask my dad to speak to my mum, but my mum doesn't really care about anyone's opinions - especially my dad's - but it's always worth a shot I guess - thank for all your help, really given me confidence to move out and there are no barriers to stop me

ChasedByBees Mon 27-May-13 18:49:00

It's definitely in the best interests of your long term future to stay where you are and that's what you need to consider and what your mother would consider if she wasn't being selfish.

Don't move with her now. You also don't have to consider moving to where she lives for university - go to where is best. University is an amazing experience and if you go and you can afford to, choose where is best for YOU.

senua Mon 27-May-13 18:58:38

I hope that we have been of help with the practicalities but you need to think about the emotional aspects. You mentioned in your OP that your mum "has said [dad] isn't allowed to visit when we move" - you don't want her to end up saying in a fit of pique that you can't visit your sister! You have the upper hand - she can't force you to move - so you can afford to be the better person and deal gently with the situation. Don't start saying "I know my rights", just be assertive and try to find an amicable solution. Offer her solutions, not problems.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory Mon 27-May-13 19:20:26

I left home at 17 because of my mother. It wasn't even an education issue, I moved in with friends in the same city and got a full time job to pay the rent.

She wasn't happy. But you know what? We actually got on better in the long run due to not living under the same roof.

Do what you need to do but do make sure your dad and family will support you, financially and emotionally, or you could end up worse off.

tribpot Mon 27-May-13 20:00:30

I was going to say the same as ChasedByBees - one step at a time but don't feel you have to go to uni where she is.

NomDeClavier Mon 27-May-13 20:01:54

I think you need to get your school involved and on your side. Your mother may be more willing to listen to them than to you.

It seems like you have a sensible plan to continue with your studies and you're showing a great deal of maturity dealing with this so far. Good luck to you.

FadedSapphire Mon 27-May-13 20:07:26

You are being very sensible and mature. Your Mum less so [but best not point that out!] but maybe panicking a bit about 'losing' you to Dad. Not mature but when emotions run high people often aren't.
I agree with others, try to keep things calm while clearly stating what you need to finish your A levels. I wonder too whether the school can help here getting through to your Mum.

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