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You can take the Donkey to private school but what if he isn't BOVVERED ?

(58 Posts)
Buzi Tue 08-Jan-13 23:31:12

Having killed myself at my Comp, got myself into top notch Uni, a great career and great life..married happily two kids to wealthy self-made man from Smart yet lost their cash do I manage when my 11 yr old DS is still at school refusing to drink from the font of knowledge, no homework comes home, shocking handwriting, eyelash curling spelling, one word answers...I've tried it all ...tutors,rewards, threats,patience, encouragement...even counselling ( for me that is !!!)...Frankly I am at the point of sending the cheques to charity...I have one other friend...same thing bright enough kid...just not going to even try..! All my other mates kids drifting into London Day, name it...! Do i just give and hope he will get it together eventually ? My daughter 8 is fine ...she does however tend to mimic his behaviour if she wants an out !!
Anyone else had a DS like mine ?

exoticfruits Thu 10-Jan-13 06:06:26

I would think that he knows your expectations and he doesn't think he can live up to them and therefore his 'get out' is that he won't try- if he doesn't try he can't fail. You have gone overboard in trying to mould him into the child you want - maybe it is time to stand back and find out what sort if child he actually is and support that one. Start with an interest and develop from there. I would also give him far less in the way of material things and give him more responsibility - e.g helping around the house, cooking the meal, mowing the lawn etc. Also benign neglect- let him get bored and develop his imagination and have time to think about what he wants to do.

exoticfruits Thu 10-Jan-13 06:07:45

Girls are sometimes much more 'people pleaders' - are you sure that she really wants to fit the mould you have chosen for her?

Amerryscot Thu 10-Jan-13 18:15:50

My DS2 wasn't a good student. He was very pleasant in school, would engage in lessons, but did not produce the written work or ever revise thoroughly for exams.

It used to really stress me out, but on of his teachers said that he wasn't wired to be a great student and that was an epiphany moment for me. Nagging was making both of us unhappy and did not achieve any of my goals.

When occasionally thinking about withdrawing him from his school, I soon realised that he would be much worse off in the local comp or sixth form college. He might achieve his goal of being invisible in lessons and completely below the radar screen so would actually be much worse off, coupled with the misery of being exposed to constant bad behaviour and disruption.

We stuck with the independent school because the were gently on top of him, and had a knack of encouragement to help him achieve. He did appreciate being there, so from that angle, it wasn't a waste.

racingheart Fri 11-Jan-13 13:15:14

I'm with chin up and wildirish on not encouraging any sense of entitlement. My DC sell stuff on eBay too to raise money for things they want.

They'll be at private school from Yr7 and they are also coming into a family inheritance at 18 which will make them far wealthier than we will ever be. We decided not to tell them about it. That way they aren't growing up thinking it'll all happen for them. They are making plans and getting on with them, not expecting the world to kneel at their important little toes bearing gifts.

wordfactory Fri 11-Jan-13 15:07:56

It is one of my greatest fears that my DC will become entitled brats...

DH and I are self made, yet DC have absurd privilege. I would be incandescent if they squandered such good luck.

At 13, I'm still satisfied that they're on the right tracks, but we're quite tough on them. High expectations.

They're certainly not showered with stuff and have a good deal less than many less affluent friends/family. They do notget their own way either - this is a family and we negotiate. They have to treat anyone who works for us with huge respect (when we had a full time housekeeper, they had to keep their rooms tidy so she could clean). They have to do anyhting they reasonablly can for themselves. School work must be done to a high standard. Bad report = the sky falling in. They are not aware of monies/properties that are in trust for them.

I would not dream of sending them termly boarding by the way.

Bonsoir Fri 11-Jan-13 18:04:10

wordfactory - I wouldn't worry. It doesn't sound to me (from your posts) as if your DC are in danger. I see plenty of wealthy families around me and some have entitled brats for DC and others have hardworking grafters. It is hugely much down to how you treat them and what you explain about comfort (physical and moral) and the hardships you must necessarily cross in order to deserve it.

wordfactory Fri 11-Jan-13 19:03:07

I hope so Bonsoir.

I recall the line in The Tiger Mother when she talks about clogs to clogs in three generations and declares 'well not on my watch' grin.

I will be interested to see whether my DD's current situation (out of school for much of this year to perform) begins to turn her into some precious little princess ^shudders^.

Bonsoir Sat 12-Jan-13 09:51:22

You can always send her to school in France for a year afterwards to get the precociousness knocked out of her. There are some horrible Jesuit establishments if you are interested wink

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