How do you know if your child is happy at school ?

[scatterbrain]

That's it really ? How do you know ?

My DD is in reception and keeps saying she doesn't like school and asking to go to another one which we pass on the way to school. She is also always saying that this child or that child has said something mean to her, or done something ! Yesterday apparently "x" wanted the charm of my dd's pencil case so "y" just ripped it off and gave it to "x". DD brought the now broken charm home in her pocket but was quite upset about it. I mentioned it to the teacher this morning and she said she will talk about it in "group time today".

It's not that she is terribly unhappy - I just feel she could and should be happier ! her behaviour at home is also pretty bad and I wonder whether this is a result of not being happy at school ?

Also - she seems to be a bit of a floater - ie. she doesn't have her own best friend at school - she seems to be part of a threesome and is often on the outside of it.

I have made an appointment to see the other school next week - it is also private - and I am seriously thinking of moving her next academic year - but am I over-reacting ? Will she just repeat the same pattern there ?

I don't know - I want her to be happy and enjoy school - but on the other hand I just don't know !!

Wise Mummies - tell me what you think ! She is 5 and a bit by the way and quite a quiet shy girl at school - but extrovert and hysterical outside of it !

[sandyballs]

Scatterbrain, I could have written this myself about my own 5 year old (in fact I have previously!). I will await replies with interest.
It's very worrying isn't it.

[scatterbrain]

Hi sandyballs - yes it is - you just want the best for them and yet how do you know what the best is ?

I kept my dd at the current school as she was in nursery there and I thought it would be good for her to be settled - but now I'm not so sure.

Breaks my heart whens she tells me what has happened at school - I keep thinking "it's bullying" then tell myself not to over-react, but there are definitely some nasty kids in her class ! let's hope we get some great Mumsnet advice !

[Sparklemagic]

Have you had an appointment with her class teacher and asked the teacher whether she thinks your DD is happy? What she thinks of her interaction with the other children in general and her enjoyment of the play/work they do?

[Sparklemagic]

sorry not to have advice by the way, just wanted to see how far you'd gone with the school?

[scatterbrain]

I raised my concerns at parents evening in November - teacher said that everything was fine - bit shy and tended to stick to her own group (ie. the threesome) but did play with others as well. I think I should have another chat !

She usually skips in and is pleased to see the two other girls in her group - but if they're not in she prefers to do something on her own rather than join the others.

[scatterbrain]

I raised my concerns at parents evening in November - teacher said that everything was fine - bit shy and tended to her own group (ie. the threesome) but did play with others as well. I think I should have another chat !

She usually skips in and is pleased to see the two other girls in her group - but if they're not in she prefers to do something on her own rather than join the others.

[Sparklemagic]

Scatterbrain, maybe it is time for another appointment? You are well within your rights to ask for one, any mother is worried if their child is telling them they are not happy.

I'd put this one where it belongs really, and ask the teacher what they can do to help - after all, as a mum you can't make her happy at school - you're not there!

Perhaps view the other school so that you get a little picture in your head of your options if things go that way but maybe go a bit further with the teacher first and see how things progress? Also, speak to the Head if the teacher is unhelpful.

[scatterbrain]

Have thought about doing this - and was doing it every week until I went back to work - which makes it more difficult - but to be honest she only ever wants to have her "out of school" friends round. She'd like to have them round every day !

[Feistybird]

Have a DD in reception and she too is on the periphery of a couple of other girls who are best friends.

I honestly think (and you may choose to ignore me SB given our prev exchange) that this is general teething probs. My DD comes home with all the kinds of comments yours does and swings between liking and not liking school.

Couldn't you give it till the summer? see if she settles better - seems quite soon to be moving her given that there aren't any major probs.

[Marina]

Ds is midway through year 2 now and the floating vs "proper" friends thing is only settling down for his class now, ie, after they have all spent nearly three years in each other's company. Ds also seemed to have no-one special after his constant companion in reception emigrated (not AFAIK to get away from ds ) and we talked about this with his Yr 1 teacher, who was brilliant. She explained that developmentally most children under seven do not not form friendships as we and older children understand them. Yes, they can be closely allied, but it isn't significant that your dd is "floating" through reception scatterbrain, that in itself doesn't mean she is being ostracised, or will still be friendless in a year or so's time.
The issue of breaking her pencil-case charm is upsetting and worthy of mention at group time, so hopefully the teacher will deliver the right message to the two little girls responsible.
I would not move her yet IMO. Not until you have exhausted all lines of enquiry at the current school, or found yourself concluding that your dd is experiencing lasting problems and you are not happy with how they are dealing with it.
Have you had a sensible, coherent answer from her about why she wants to go to the other school? Couldn't be anything to do with uniform, or lack thereof?

[scatterbrain]

Thanks everyone - will make appointment with teacher tomorrow - and take it from there.

Anyone else have any ideas ?

[scatterbrain]

bump !!!

[scatterbrain]

Anyone else ??

[dinny]

Scatterbrain, I think you do 'know' if they are happy and sounds like you know your dd isn't particularly. My dd only just started pre-school but had similar exp when she moved nursery and, although not HATING the new one, she just wasn't as happy there as the previous one and I was worried about her. Ended up even buying a book about shyness as thought she was becoming really painfully shy. Anyway, I took her out of it after 3 months and put her in a playgroup which she LOVED`and was totally herself again. And now she is at a pre-school she really likes, it's obvious as she talks about it all the time, says she likes it and wants to go there every day.
Sorry, this post not really what you're after but I'd say you wouldn't be overreacting by moving schools nxt year.

[scatterbrain]

Some days I think she is happy - and others I think she is very unhappy !

My real problem is that I really really don't like the owners/heads of her current school - they are very clearly anti-working parent and apalling at communications. It also really p'es me off that they want parents to raise funds for what I call essentials (PCs !!) when we pay a fortune in fees ! There are also a large number of really odious people there - very up themselves and stuck up - and unfortunately dd has several of their kids in her class - she doesn't like them as they all gang up - and are quite unkind children really.

The other school that I am considering is also private - one of those GEMs schools - and they really treat their parents as customers - brilliant communications, breakfast clubs and after-school clubs - and they do holiday clubs - so I could not have the childminder anymore (my other thread refers !)

I kind of think that all round it might be better to move if she will be at least as happy there !

So hard when it's your child's happiness you are thinking about !

[scatterbrain]

Well - I've been to the other school and it is really nice - probably not a lot different to the current school - BUT - different ethos, and much better for working parents - with after school clubs and a breakfast club too.

Am now in big dilemma - to move or not to move ?

At the moment she seems quite happy where she is - but has phases of saying she doesn't like it there - but suspect she may not like the fact that she has to do learning now - rather than just playing as in nursery ! So that wouldn't change at another school !

Has anyone moved their child after receeption ? Anyone got any advise ?

Thanks

[scatterbrain]

bump - PLEASE ???

[catrin]

If you are do decide to move her, the end of Reception is not a bad time because at that age they tend to be more adaptable and make friends fairly easily. That said, if she is not keen on learning at the mo, like you said it will probably not be much fun anywhere! Have you tried not asking her about school until later in the evening? Ie rather than getting her to launch into a monologue of things she didn't like about the day, maybe try being a bit vague about it when you pick her up so she has chance to sort of mull the day over a bit then ask her when she's a bit more relaxed. It may not be any different at all, but she may remember good bits as well as the parts she didn't like.
You could also ask her what she thinks you should do - eg "you have to go to school but i really want you to be happy so what can I do to help you?"
HTH

[scatterbrain]

Hi Catrin, Thanks for answering - I don't think anyone else is speaking to me !

I'll try that - and I'm going to have a frank discussion with her class teacher too.

She really doesn't seem that attached to the school or to anyone in it - so I suppose at the end of the day I might as well do what suits us better as a family and what makes life a bit easier - which would be move her and use their after school clubs instead of the childminder.

Thanks for answering,

[firestorm]

hi scatterbrain, i think that the new school sounds like good news for you all around. do you really want your child to go to a school where the staff & other parents have the attitude that being a working mum is wrong?
you also said that you pass the new school on your way to the current school, so its got to be easier for you all round. no worries about childminders etc, & continuious care for your dd. sounds much better than her current school.
both my girls have just started in a new school where they dont know anyone (reception & year 2) & both have settled far better than id ever dreamed possible. they take in in their stride at that age, not like us silly adults.
please keep us updated as to what you do.

[northernlass1]

I'd seriously consider a new school - the ethos of a school is very important and a happy child learns and flourishes wheras a deeply unhappy one deosn't. Making friends comes easy to some and not so easy to others. My state primary has a great ethos and puts the happiness of its children first but there will always be some chidlren who aren't good socially. In my view taking a good look at the parents in the playgroun is a good yardstick - if they look like good decent people on the whole then it's lielly that their children will be also...

[sandyballs]

How can you can tell by just looking at people whether they are "good decent people" northernlass?

The mums at my DDs school are a real mixed bunch to look at and at the beginning I did judge them by appearances, presumably because I had nothing else to go on, I didn't know them. But six months down the line I can say that I probably got it very wrong. The shell-suited lady covered in bling has turned out to have a heart of gold and be a very caring, genuine person, whereas the suited, elegant looking mum has no time for anyone and will barely acknowledge the others. It's a shame to sum people up on appearances