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please tell me get a grip and be happy with "average".

(52 Posts)
cupofteainpeace Wed 13-Jul-11 18:16:04

I need to tell myself to be happy with DD report (y1)!
She is doing just fine (at expected level) in everything and is "quiet and well behaved" in class. Although I am delighted with the behaviour thing (issues there in previous year) I am dissappointed that she is average. Now deep down I know this is wrong to be dissappointed and that I am a pushy mum. I definately should NOT compare with DS (top of class type pupil).
However, please tell me to stop being stupid and be happy with "expected level".
She is so young and a lovely bubbly strong little person. She is so special to me, that I have difficulty accepting the fact she is average.
I find it hard reading DS's report (A1, A1, A1, top of class score ect) then to read her's which is much more normal.
Now I'm rambling so I'll shut up. Thanks for listening!!!!

drivingmisscrazy Wed 13-Jul-11 18:20:46

education and success is a long game - lots of very bright 6 year olds will only achieve at average levels in life - success being a combination of lots of different things, some of them not within your (or her) control. For example, I excelled academically, but now realise that I haven't done as well as I might because my social skills aren't brilliant, and that I am easily discouraged when I find things hard. I have been out-performed by people who excel in areas that I am poor in. It's a total package, and I am sure that your DD will do perfectly well.

Jajas Wed 13-Jul-11 18:23:04

You are very lucky to have an average child. I have DT's who have both struggled enormously in school and I would give anything for them to be 'average' so yes be happy with her and her achievements and stop comparing her to others, especially her brother.

drivingmisscrazy Wed 13-Jul-11 18:24:09

and average is good! that's what most of us are

issynoko Wed 13-Jul-11 18:25:38

You have said 'she is so special to me' - so she's not average. She's special. And you just want everyone else to know that too but at the moment she's got to fit the school picture. Give her time. She'll be special to others in her own way. JK Rowling, for eg, worse than average writing, let's face it, and she now earns £1 million every 3 days. Churchill. Shit at school, voted The Greatest Briton of all Time. Etc.

changeforthebetter Wed 13-Jul-11 18:29:25

Had to respond as I love your name smile

I was average at school. When my parents moved house they gave me all my old school reports and I felt really depressed re-reading them - average, tries hard, quiet - was pretty much the sum of it. I did OK at GCSE-level but bombed at A Levels. Parents were disappointed as older siblings very bright, dad a teacher etc.................

Fastforward a couple of decades and I'm accepting my first class degree from the vice chancellor of a prestigious university. I had left school, got a job and lots of life experience and then gone back as a mature student. Families aren't supposed to be about competitions but I suppose you could say I ended up out-performing all my siblings.

Just in case I sound smug, I since split up with my H and am now working for a low wage in a low-status job to put food on the table/pay the mortgage, but I have plans and I will get something better grin Life's a journey and how your DD does at 6 doesn't mean she is predestined to go down only one path.

2BoysTooLoud Wed 13-Jul-11 19:52:51

I am guessing 'working within expected level' covers a bit of a range of ability.
My ds in year 1 got that across the board. Told he is 'easily distracted'- a sin many 6 year old boys have I am sure!
He is a bit of an over enthusiastic puppy at the moment which I guess he may grow out of!
Most people don't peak at 6 - I await with interest what happens in the years to come.

AMumInScotland Wed 13-Jul-11 20:05:31

The fact that she is scoring "average" on academic tests at the moment doesn't make her "an average person" - she is a unique individual with all kinds of traits which are stronger or less strong in her than other children. Would it worry you if the GP announced that her height and weight were average? That's just one single way of defining her, same as school levels are. It doesn't define her either. She is a unique and special person, wo appens to be about the midpoint academically at the moment.

cupofteainpeace Wed 13-Jul-11 20:12:50

Thank you all for the reassurance.

I suppose really I have a case of "my DC are perfect and amazing geniuses(?) and immensly beautiful - why can't you recognise it?"

Now before I get shouted down, I know we all feel that way about our own DC!

I need to get a grip and be grateful I have healthy DC doing well.

bbboo Wed 13-Jul-11 20:14:38

Reading what you have written is like listening to myself several years ago. DS1 very able across the board,always had glowing reports and was always a bit of a golden boy in primary (and still is at secondary really). I am sure DS2 is just as bright in his own way but this is not reflected in his results at school - and he is certainly not appreciated by teachers in the same way! I used to get upset that DS2 quirkiness, humour, kind spirit were not appreciated to the same extent as academia but have grown to realise that how he is seen at school is only a tiny part of his life. (does that make sense?!) As he has got older, I have become far more relaxed and now appreciate everything about him much more. I don't compare my sons as they are different people, and as the years have gone on, ds2 has become more successful at school. He will probably always be seen as average while he is in the school system, but he has a great personality, fantastic sense of humour and has lots of friends. DS1 may get better results in school ( and he too is a lovely person , just a bit quieter) but it would not surprise me if DS2 is more successful in adulthood. When they are in the big bad world as adults, they will not be judged on their school reports, but as the kind of people they are!

Riveninside Wed 13-Jul-11 20:17:15

Be happy if your child is happy. Dd is performing well below average but she loves school and is happy. Thats the vital thing. Dd1 was the overacheiver, is now at some posh university but is not a happy person.
Happy is important

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 13-Jul-11 20:22:14

Do you have lots of friends with facebook statuses saying how fantastic their child is by any chance? And it seems like the whole world has a genius child?

Kewcumber Wed 13-Jul-11 20:26:02

Riven is right. Happy is important, very very important.

drivingmisscrazy Wed 13-Jul-11 21:21:25

yes, never overestimate happy: the capacity to be happy is a gift, too

drivingmisscrazy Wed 13-Jul-11 21:21:58

underestimate, obviously blush

BerylOfLaughs Wed 13-Jul-11 21:26:14

I was well above average in primary school and everything came easily to me. i never learned to work hard, did okay in GCSEs, scraped through A levels and got a shit degree.
My dd is also above average but to me what is far more important is that she learns to work hard.
I have 2 friends who are naturally 'just average' and they have both done better than me career-wise because they learned to work hard at an early age.

JemimaMuddledUp Wed 13-Jul-11 21:35:57

I have 3 DC. DS1 is in Year 3 and is top of the class in most subjects. He is also popular and good at music and sports. DD is in Reception and is also top of the class at most subjects. She is very popular and is good at art and performing. Poor DS2 is in Year 2 and stuck in between them. He isn't bottom of the class by any stretch of the imagination, but he is around about middle at maths and literacy. He is very good at reading, but tends to spend his life with his head in a book or daydreaming rather than mixing with other children. He isn't great at sport as his coordination isn't very good.

I'm sure if I only had DS2 I would be quite happy with his reports. But it is really hard not to compare him with DS1 and DD. I try to remember to praise them for trying hard rather than the actual level that they achieve.

wordfactory Thu 14-Jul-11 08:09:49

I think we all secretly want our DC to excel. That's natural.
But it's always worth reminding ourselves that success in life is what we're aiming for, which is not connected to coming first at anything in primary school.

Riveninside Thu 14-Jul-11 08:13:59

Dunno about success in life. Dd2 is happy. She wont live till 18 and when i look back on her life one day i will ask myself was it a good one. And comoaring her to genius dd1, she is depressed, anxious and always worried about her performance agaisnt the rich people at her university. Thats a shit life and not a success. Success isnt measured in grades and money imo.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Thu 14-Jul-11 08:17:57

hear hear. DD (4.9) can't speak, is going to go to special school but is happy.

So, I will happily tell you to get a grip grin

Maryz Thu 14-Jul-11 08:35:10

I had to stop comparing dd and ds2 at this age - dd was quiet, well-behaved, but very "average" academically hmm. She struggled a bit with maths and was the youngest in her class, so found some things difficult. ds2 who is 18 months younger was a high-flyer, and well ahead of her in maths, has a great memory and is very quick all round. I worried a lot about her.

Now, however, they are 14 and 13. dd has had to learn to study, she has knuckled down and concentrated, she is very organised, and guess what - she is flying academically. She has found the subjects she is interested in, she is great at English, especially essay writing, which means that she finds languages and history, for example, pretty easy. She still struggles a bit at maths and will drop to a pass level in that for her leaving cert (we are in Ireland).

ds on the other hand has never had to try, he has always got 95% or above in everything. Now in secondary school the shit has hit the fan a bit shock and he has realised that it isn't all easy. He now has to settle down and learn what dd learned at the age of 6 - work hard if you want to do well.

I expect in their end of school exams, dd will actually do better in most subjects than ds2. So yes, get a grip grin.

exoticfruits Thu 14-Jul-11 09:15:42

They do things in their own time. Most DCs will be average-even most DCs of MNetters! (it is the meaning of the word)

fortyplus Thu 14-Jul-11 09:17:07

I have a friend who has taught in Primary schools for many years and says most middle class parents are crestfallen if you even hint that their child is 'average'.

Al0uiseG Thu 14-Jul-11 09:25:42

Average at school is fantastic, the limelight is off them and they will get far more chances to develop the richer sides of their personality and talents. Academia is such a narrow construct which had its place in the Victorian era. Art, literature..... It isn't how the world works these days. The most successful people i can think of at the moment were not superstars at school. My super bright relative aced the 11 plus, glided through grammar school and dropped out of university after a year. I honestly think he peaked to early.

Motivation and passion will get you to more places in life than calculus.

TheSecondComing Thu 14-Jul-11 09:29:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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