What would you do?

[mumofthreebeauties]

At the start of yr1 in Sept DT had a hard time settling in.Teacher saw us several times about things he was saying, silly behaviour etc.

I spoke to her on Friday and we agreed that from Monday he would gain a sticker each section of the day (a total of 7 in the day). Yesterday he an;t brilliant but got not one single sticker and was upset by this. Today he aparently was dreadful. He came home with a "behaviour book" with One smily face and the rest sad faces. So i asked himif he got a sticker for his smily face and he said no.

I feel like she's just no giving him any slack or chances to do right. He's not perfect (but very very good at home) but what should I do next.

last night he toldme he is silly to get back in XXXX's class (his twin).

I'm at a loss for what to try. They already have the ed psych booked to come in.

[starlover]

if he wants to go in a class with his twin then why don't you try that?

[starlover]

if he is good at home, and if he KNOWS why he behaves the way he does then i don't think it's a psychological problem tbh

[kid]

Might be worth speaking to the teacher to let her know you thought DT would do well with the sticker rewards. I can imagine its quite difficult for the teacher to remember to give him a sticker when she has the rest of the class to look after but seeing as she has time to do the sad faces, I'm sure she could give stickers.

[mumofthreebeauties]

Starlover - they were separated at our request and I don't know if the school could put them in the same class now half way through the year.

I have had several concerns so far:

He is sad he's not with his twin
He was put back on reception books rather than starting where he was at the end of reception.
He is in a mixed yr1/reception class whereas his twin is in with just yr1.
We agreed stickers for thetimes he's good and it hasn;t been followed through.

DH thinks that the teacher has experience of these things and sees him in a different environment to us.

Today he has hit, spat, pushed. I don;t understand what has happened to my caring loving little boy.

[starlover]

i think what's happening is that he is lashing out because he is frustrated.
because he wants to be with his twin, because he is in with the reception children... because he doesn't know how else to express himself!

i would definitely ask about having him moved into the class with his twin... but tell him that if his behaviour doesn;t improve he will be moved back again.

i do realise your frustrations about the sticker chart not being followed through though...

[mumofthreebeauties]

I feel like the whole saga is dragging me down.

I'm on a rollercoaster. I'm sure they are having him assessed for ASperger traits as they say he can;t read emotions. But tonight while reading I asked himabout the pictures and he told me exactly who was sad, angry, frightened etc.

I just wish it ws all sorted, but I know its going to bea long haul and I need to chill out a bit.

[starlover]

my immediate thought is that the whole school thing is stressing him out and that's why he is behaving like that.
i am sure if he had aspergers you'd ahve noticed something by now!!!
instead of jumpuing to conclusions they should be trying all the most common-sense things first... a diagnosis of aspergers or any psychological problem should surely be a last resort when other measures have failed?

has he said that anything else is making him be naughty, aside from being away from his twin?

[mumofthreebeauties]

If I ask himwhy he does these things he just says "I don't know", "i wanted to" or "my brain told me to"

What doI make of that response.Maybe he just doesn't understand what emotions he's experiencing and the school are right.

I don;t know which way to turn.

[Ellbell]

My MIL is an identical twin. She was separated from her twin at secondary school (she went to grammar school and her twin didn't). They both still talk about it now as a huge disaster to have been separated like that (and they are now in their 70s). MIL also says that when she sees twin babies in separate cots, rather than lying next to one another, it makes her want to cry. Not saying that she is right (I certainly don't agree with my MIL over all - or even most - parenting issues ) and I'm sure you had good reasons for wanting your DTs separated, but it does sound as if your DS is finding it very difficult being separated from his twin. If you can solve the problem - even if only in part - by putting them back in the same class, I'd give it a try.

[mumofthreebeauties]

Thanks Ellbell. It's really difficult this twins lark.

They are both adorable and gorgeous and this is causing somuch stress, I may make an appointment with the head and see what we can do.

I'm also worried that having made the decision (NOT A QUICK AND EASY ONE) I don't want him to learn that by behaving in this way he can get what he wants.

[PrincessSmartyPants]

I sympathise with you mumofthree. I wonder how willing the Head will be to change the classes. Were they to agree to that it would probably put ds under enormous pressure.

The behaviour system sounds inconsistent. Sad faces should be a last resort. A blank space is better than a sad face.
Could you negotiate a golden time type system whereby good behaviour over a few days earns him the afternoon in the parallel class with his twin? The school need to discuss it with him and you and to stick to it for an agreed period of time before they change the system.
Ask them about the steps they use to boost self esteem- do they have PaLs groups, Nurture groups or use SEAL material. ( These are all things designed to help children emotionally so that they can then better access the curriculum- in simple terms)
I wonder if he is comparing himself with his twin and feeling low in comparison. Are they academically equal or are they different? Is he frustrated by his academic work?

[mumofthreebeauties]

It doesn;t seem that they do any social working at all. I did mention to his teacher this morning that he hadcomplained he got a dmily face but no sticker at all. He has had a sticker cahrt on the wall at school for 4/5 weeks now and only 4 stickers on it.

She said she would put a sticker in rather than a smily face. I also said that meeting once a week for him to tell me what he's done wrong is negative and attention for him. I don;t want him to be there. Am I right. She says it;s important he knows there's communication between her and me, but he knows that anyway.

[baka]

The teacher is going at it the wrong way iy ask me. She seems to be drawing attention to negative beahviour rather than rewarding positive behaviour.

An experiment was carried out in a class of students with extreme challenging behaviour. The teacher had to say something positive about one of the students ever 3 minutes (so a quiet bell would sound and she had to look and find somehting positive to say). The behaviour in the class improved rapidly. The teacher should be doing this with your son, not sending him home with unhappy faces.

[PrincessSmartyPants]

I have to say that the teacher doens't sound as helpful as she could be.
My suggestion would be a simple good book. The teacher has to catch ds being good. When I have used these books I have just written a simple sentence at the end of each session
you were good at sitting on the carpet
Your reading was super.
If the child is nuaghty I would just say how sad it was I couldn't write something nice in the book for that session.
Then I move on to putting a target in the happy book.
I will keep my hands to myself until lunchtime.

A dialogue like this helps child, teacher and parent focus on the positives. Might she be encouraged to do so?
Let me knoew how you get on.

[mumofthreebeauties]

Today he came home with 1 sticker in his book and 2 sad faces. His teacher said he was basically ok until after lunch but because he pushed someone in the playground after lunch he got a sad face for the session from morning playtime to lunch and then another from lunch to hometime.

He really isn't getting enough praise. I also spoke to a TA who took them this afternoon for cooking and she said he was the best behaved in the group.

I did have a breif chat with the head. I'm going to see what happens with him tomorrow and Friday.

I looked in his behaviour book and told him how proud I was that he got a sticker and that his behaviour had improved. I didn;t mention the sad faces.

[mumofthreebeauties]

Thanks Celia2.I will try now and work out the CAT. Haven't used it before.

We drifted back and forward for ages and then decided to split them up. I think with hindsite it wasn;t the best, certainly fo the one that's messing about,but then he messed about a bit in reception when they were together.

[mumofthreebeauties]

Celia2

i've CATed you! if thats the right terminology.

How old are your triplets?

[aloha]

Why did you split them up to start with?

[mumofthreebeauties]

They are very unidentical! We wanted them to be separate from reception but the school couldn;t do it, so as we'd asked at the start they did it for this year.

Having made the decision I feel we haveto abide by it for this year. If we don;t he will think that all he has to do is misbehave to get what he wants.

[mumofthreebeauties]

His week continued with one session deserving a sticker and the other 2 not.

DH had a meeting with the teacher (I couldn;t face another one) and she said she didn;t want to give the impression he was bad all thetime. Its maybe only a couple of incidents a day like poking while on the carpet, pushing at playtime, etc. Not violent stuff although upsetting for the child it happens to.

[MaryP0p1]

Can I ask does he play with his twin when in the playground, which is the more dominate twin?

[MaryP0p1]

dominent

[mumofthreebeauties]

No, when they can play together they don;t. Only at home. I wouldn't say either was dominant, although this twin seems to feel second best(my hypothesis).

He 's in a mixed reception/yr1 and his brother is in yr1. He deosn;t like being in with reception, he got put back on reception books rather than where he finished up last year etc etc.

He says he doesn;t play with anyone a playtimes (although DD says he is often playing with his friends).

I can;t find any answers for him and am now waiting for the behavioural expert to come in.