Is this disordered or healthy?

[TooColdInHere]

Background: I used to be obese, size 22-24. But 10 years ago I lost 5 stone and then was a size 10-12. I have loose skin on my stomach I have to tuck it into high waisted leggings/trousers but still look pregnant.

My weight changed by 3 or 4 lbs over the past decade up/down, until lockdown in March and half a stone crept on. I was disgusted with myself and lost the half stone quickly and then another half stone to feel 'safe' so now I'm 115 lbs. My BMI is 21.4, I run 15 miles a week and I'm pretty obsessive walking at least 10k steps a day.

I'm absolutely terrified of putting weight on. I still feel fat. I feel like I need to lose another 7-14 lbs but my DH says I don't.

Every photo of me, I look chunky and overweight, I hate what I see in the mirror. I look awful in everything I wear.

Part of me hates having so much pressure to lose more weight but then the other half thinks this is just normal and what it takes to not be overweight.

What is the difference between healthily watching your weight or having an issue?

[mistermagpie]

I'm similar to you, lost a bit of weight (not as much as you, I was a 16 at my biggest) and now have a bmi of about 20. Generally I am very disciplined about maintaining my weight abs have done for six years despite three pregnancies, but it can tip into obsession with exercise (running mainly) and getting my steps in.

I think a lot of formerly overweight people have the same fear of regaining the weight but not everyone becomes fixated on it.

The difference for me is that I like the way I look, I know I look slim and am happy with my appearance in pretty much everything I wear. What's concerning about your story is that you can't seem to see yourself for how you really are. You are clearly very slim so why can't you see it?

[ragged]

I suspect you'd be a lot happier if you could do something about the loose skin. We watch tv programmes about people with that problem (getting it fixed with plastic surgery).

The rest is anxious but not clearly a MH issue.

[TooColdInHere]

Ragged, surgery isn't an option for me, I have to live with it unfortunately.

Thanks magpie, I honestly think if you saw a pic of me or met me you'd think I was a lot heavier than I am, I just look so chunky and stocky, I'd love to feel like I was finally slim.

Perhaps it is just anxiety about being bigger, that would make sense!

[mistermagpie]

Are you quite small in height? 'Stocky' implies that, as does your weight.

I'm 5'8' and I think taller people do look slimmer at a glance generally and certainly in photographs (which is why models are usually required to be tall). If you are shorter in stature it's possible that you don't look as slim in photos and things as you actually are.

There is clearly an issue with perception at play here and I can understand how it feels to still feel big even when you're not. I would still buy clothes too big for ages after I lost weight. I imagine this is even more stark if you've gone from a 22 to whatever size you are now.

[TooColdInHere]

Yes I am very short, 156cm with all my 'height' in my torso, i have short legs. I have decent muscles from my running and weights, with noticable quads. I'm broad and big busted too. I just look so overweight in clothes!

I'm a size 8 trousers and 10 top but definitely don't look it. I can't do anything about my height or loose skin, the only thing I can do is lose more weight.

Will try getting another half stone off, I'll still be a healthy BMI and might feel better then.