Struggling with restricted eating

[Dontknowwhatwillmakeitbetter]

I am really beginning to struggle. I am a 39 year old mum of 3, and began running 2 years ago. It seems to have triggered an old issue with eating and controlling my weight. I run because I love it. It gives me head space, it gives me my own identity again. I am a competitive perfectionist type character and I love following training plans and achieving my running goals. It’s become an obsession. I developed a stress fracture injury at the beginning of the year. As I am a slim person by nature, my weight was questioned and hormones checked. All ok. But it triggered something in me and since then I’ve struggled with a desire to lose more weight. I had already lost some through taking up running, but I began deliberately restricting my food and weighing myself many times a day. My bmi is now just over 17. I have now developed another injury - suspected bone injury in the same place - and professional are questioning my weight. I’ve lost a good half a stone since March.

My thoughts are dominated by my weight. By how I can avoid situations with food. How I can stay strong enough to not give in to bad foods. But when I look up eating disorders I don’t think I fit the criteria. I don’t weigh my food, I don’t have rituals, I just restrict so my portions are very small. And I run 40+ miles a week which I know burns lots of calories.

I don’t know what to do. Reading this I know it sounds like I have issues, but somehow I feel a fraud. I don’t feel ill enough or thin enough, or engrained in routines enough to warrant help.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I just need an outlet because I’m finding day to day life so hard. I feel so withdrawn and depressed and all I can think of is my weight and how to avoid gaining it.

[WomensRightsAreContraversial]

It definitely sounds le you've got an eating disorder. I'm sorry you're going through this, and hope you find the help you need xxx

[peanutbutterkid]

Are professionals saying they think you probably have an ED?
You tick all the boxes.
Meanwhile Your mental illness is telling you lots of lies.
That isn't your fault. You're ill. The illness takes away your ability to be rational.
I hope you agree to be referred for assessment and treatment.

[Dontknowwhatwillmakeitbetter]

Thank you for replying womensrights. I feel desperate but just cannot ask for help. I have an appt next week with a specialist for my running injury who is questioning my weight. I feel like I need to lose as much as I can this week so she will then help me. I know that sounds illogical and ridiculous. I’m an intelligent, functioning adult. Why can’t I just see sense and act on it?! This is awful

[Dontknowwhatwillmakeitbetter]

Peanutbutter the professional I’ve seen is one linked with sport. She has questioned my weight and I’ve given her some truths but really clammed up and couldn’t open up. I don’t know what she thinks exactly. She knows I’m restricting food.

[peanutbutterkid]

Why can’t I just see sense and act on it?!

Your illness is in charge. Not you. This isn't your fault. You are ill.

It will get easier to get help once you tell someone in real life the truth about your situation. If you don't have a partner or close relative to talk to, BEAT will answer the phone or do webchat.

[Dontknowwhatwillmakeitbetter]

Thank you. I think I’m nearly there in terms of asking for help. I just (illogically) have to lose a bit more weight otherwise I weirdly don’t feel justified in getting help. I might try the web chat in the meantime. Thank you so much

[YeOldeTrout]

This describes you, OP.
10% of our local adult ED service caseload is "atypical" anorexia nervosa patients. Not so unusual.

ED patients often need several tries (referrals & chats to health care professionals) before they can successfully engage with therapy, too. This is ok.