What are the dangers of bulimia?

[Tired2020]

Sorry this is so long, thank-you for reading... I’m 37, and I have on and off vomited at least once a day since I was 21. It started when I was a chubby university student trying to lose weight, and I had low confidence because my parents argued and I had never had a boyfriend. In the second year I turned a corner and started running and eating 900 calories a day, and vomiting whenever I overate which was all the time as I was ravenous. I went from a size 16 to a size 8 and stayed there, I was 13 stone at my heaviest and 9.5 at my lightest.
It has never been a negative in my life, more a get out of jail free card. I know which foods come up easily and which ones don’t. If I have any taste of bile I stop immediately as I know thats when damage might be done.
But it’s utterly, utterly horrendous. I can see the power it has over me because logically I know it’s a bad thing, but to me it’s not that bad.

But it’s bad for my son who is 2. He sees me eat six bags of crisps in one go and then in a slumped up state with no energy.

It wastes hours of my life. It wastes money. After I throw up I do feel quite relaxed, but I’m in capable of doing very much. It is stressful, and it is just altogether gross.
I am a carer for my mum with a degenerative illness, she lives with me. She is literally skin and bone now and I can’t sleep most nights with sadness. I am trying to do a lot of home baking; she loves my cakes (they were all her recipes before she lost her memory), and the smell of baking is so extremely comforting but of course being in the kitchen cooking things I then want to eat is really bad. But I can’t really not do this for my mum when it’s the most appreciated pleasure I can give her.

I just need to be scared into stopping. Please tell me why it’s so bad. Every single time I do it I tell myself it’s the last time, but it never is. The other problem is my husband often comes home from work late and I try and eat with him just so I can spend some time with him, but by then I’ve usually eaten far too much whilst cooking dinner for my mum and son. I can’t cook without nibbling the equivalent of a meal whilst I’m cooking.

Is recovery, and staying slim in doing so, even possible when you’ve had it this long?
I am really really tired of it now. And literally no one around me knows!

[lljkk]

So much schizo thinking.
"It has never been a negative in my life" and then you manage to list at least eleven real negatives specific to your own life!

Really sorry to read this.
Every day is a fresh start to do things differently. Heroin addicts manage to turn their lives around after 16 yrs of abuse. You could do it too.

How are your teeth?
The regular vomiting messes up some electrolytes too, iirc.

[Tired2020]

Thank-you so much for replying lljkk. Yes it’s totally schitzo! I also have a very grown up life with so many responsibilities but on this matter I am struggling to take control. Not too far off heroin in mindset but easier to hide I suppose.
My teeth are ok, apart from worn out enamel near my gums on my front teeth. I’ve had them filled in now, I’m not sure if that’s related, the dentist has never mentioned it. But therein lies how insidious this whole thing is... If I went ‘all the way’ each time and didn’t stop when I got to acid or bile at the end and done myself physical harm I might not have allowed it in my life for so long.

[Glittergirl30]

The dangers are life threatening. The one that can kill and probably will if you don’t stop is electrolytes, these drop dangerously with vomiting, and cause heart attacks.
You ask about stopping and staying slim, you will gain weight, maybe quite quickly but that is your body holding on to every bit of water possible, this then evens out. You need to get help and deal with the real problems, why is staying slim so important? Eating ‘normally’ without vomiting isn’t going to make you fat, but I think that’s what you are scared of.
Please get help. X