Sorry this is so long, thank-you for reading... I’m 37, and I have on and off vomited at least once a day since I was 21. It started when I was a chubby university student trying to lose weight, and I had low confidence because my parents argued and I had never had a boyfriend. In the second year I turned a corner and started running and eating 900 calories a day, and vomiting whenever I overate which was all the time as I was ravenous. I went from a size 16 to a size 8 and stayed there, I was 13 stone at my heaviest and 9.5 at my lightest.
It has never been a negative in my life, more a get out of jail free card. I know which foods come up easily and which ones don’t. If I have any taste of bile I stop immediately as I know thats when damage might be done.
But it’s utterly, utterly horrendous. I can see the power it has over me because logically I know it’s a bad thing, but to me it’s not that bad.
But it’s bad for my son who is 2. He sees me eat six bags of crisps in one go and then in a slumped up state with no energy.
It wastes hours of my life. It wastes money. After I throw up I do feel quite relaxed, but I’m in capable of doing very much. It is stressful, and it is just altogether gross.
I am a carer for my mum with a degenerative illness, she lives with me. She is literally skin and bone now and I can’t sleep most nights with sadness. I am trying to do a lot of home baking; she loves my cakes (they were all her recipes before she lost her memory), and the smell of baking is so extremely comforting but of course being in the kitchen cooking things I then want to eat is really bad. But I can’t really not do this for my mum when it’s the most appreciated pleasure I can give her.
I just need to be scared into stopping. Please tell me why it’s so bad. Every single time I do it I tell myself it’s the last time, but it never is. The other problem is my husband often comes home from work late and I try and eat with him just so I can spend some time with him, but by then I’ve usually eaten far too much whilst cooking dinner for my mum and son. I can’t cook without nibbling the equivalent of a meal whilst I’m cooking.
Is recovery, and staying slim in doing so, even possible when you’ve had it this long?
I am really really tired of it now. And literally no one around me knows!
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4 replies
Tired2020 · 15/10/2019 22:09
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Newmeboys ·
18/10/2019 21:11
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