Relapse 10 years after ~recovery~

[CyclingSquirrel]

I really don't know where to begin. I'd say I'm disappointed in myself but I don't really feel anything at all.

I used to have an eating disorder - mega restriction which moved on to bulimia, I won't go into the details as they are the same old story.

I started getting better when I went to uni, moved away from an unpleasant home situation and with time replaced puking with going to the gym and eating a vegan diet to help with the control aspect of things.

Fast forward 10 years and I am a sensible, responsible, boring adult who goes to work and exercises once a week, takes a biscuit when they're going round the office and drinks moderately.

Then I started TTC. At my age I thought it would be an easy journey - it is not. We are over a year into this and I've had nothing. We've started talking to the GP etc but it is VERY stressful which probably isn't helping

I started eating fish and dairy again to try to get as much nutrients as I could. Unfortunately, I can put away an awful lot of food in a very short space of time. It's something I did when B&Ping and not really been able to shake off. Not really a problem when you're just eating vegetables, but cheese etc is obviously very dense in calories. Needless to say, I have ballooned and am now officially overweight.

I do wonder whether I ever really recovered at all? Is there such a thing as recovery or does it all just lay dormant under the surface?

I feel very down about it all - the baby, the weight, my body, the regressive state I find myself in... I don't really know why I'm posting. I think I just need to talk. I don't want to mention this to DP, he will worry, he doesn't get it. I am numb.

[lljkk]

Did you have counselling before, would you consider it now?

[CyclingSquirrel]

lljkk

I have, but about something different. I found it upsetting and humiliating and I cried and never went went.

I feel so emotionally immature sometimes.

[Hearhere]

you poor thing 💐
perhaps you could do a little bit of reading up on different therapies there might be something else that could help you?

[lljkk]

Is the shame in your head or something the therapist said you should feel?

[RLABC]

@lljkk where did the OP say she feels shame?

[Omgnamechange]

Cycling Squirrel, I am sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. It does sound like you need to talk to someone who knows about Eating Disorders and counselling. Have you heard of B-EAT. I hope you can get some support soon.

[mumlikeaboss]

OP with much sympathy and no disrespect, it sounds like your vegan diet was perhaps a way of 'controlling' your eating just like the purging was??

I sympathise massively because I have a huge tendency to try and control my diet by cutting out processed foods or avoiding carbs, or whatever... But in the back of my brain I know that none of those options give me true freedom from a binge eating disorder.

I haven't the answers, I'm afraid, just something to think about. Xx