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Relapse 10 years after ~recovery~(8 Posts)
I really don't know where to begin. I'd say I'm disappointed in myself but I don't really feel anything at all.
I used to have an eating disorder - mega restriction which moved on to bulimia, I won't go into the details as they are the same old story.
I started getting better when I went to uni, moved away from an unpleasant home situation and with time replaced puking with going to the gym and eating a vegan diet to help with the control aspect of things.
Fast forward 10 years and I am a sensible, responsible, boring adult who goes to work and exercises once a week, takes a biscuit when they're going round the office and drinks moderately.
Then I started TTC. At my age I thought it would be an easy journey - it is not. We are over a year into this and I've had nothing. We've started talking to the GP etc but it is VERY stressful
which probably isn't helping
I started eating fish and dairy again to try to get as much nutrients as I could. Unfortunately, I can put away an awful lot of food in a very short space of time. It's something I did when B&Ping and not really been able to shake off. Not really a problem when you're just eating vegetables, but cheese etc is obviously very dense in calories. Needless to say, I have ballooned and am now officially overweight.
I do wonder whether I ever really recovered at all? Is there such a thing as recovery or does it all just lay dormant under the surface?
I feel very down about it all - the baby, the weight, my body, the regressive state I find myself in... I don't really know why I'm posting. I think I just need to talk. I don't want to mention this to DP, he will worry, he doesn't get it. I am numb.
Did you have counselling before, would you consider it now?
I have, but about something different. I found it upsetting and humiliating and I cried and never went went.
I feel so emotionally immature sometimes.
you poor thing 💐
perhaps you could do a little bit of reading up on different therapies there might be something else that could help you?
Is the shame in your head or something the therapist said you should feel?
Cycling Squirrel, I am sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. It does sound like you need to talk to someone who knows about Eating Disorders and counselling. Have you heard of B-EAT. I hope you can get some support soon.
OP with much sympathy and no disrespect, it sounds like your vegan diet was perhaps a way of 'controlling' your eating just like the purging was??
I sympathise massively because I have a huge tendency to try and control my diet by cutting out processed foods or avoiding carbs, or whatever... But in the back of my brain I know that none of those options give me true freedom from a binge eating disorder.
I haven't the answers, I'm afraid, just something to think about. Xx
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